Liars' League

Flitter by Emma Hutton

Flitter MP3

Read by Annalie Wilson

Maggie didn’t think the snowman would punch back. The others hadn’t. Their heads had just rolled off and landed with a thud that made her hate the night a little less. But he landed a hook on the jaw that sent her body to the ground.  

‘Weren’t expecting that, were you?’

‘Jesus!’ 

‘Nope. Not Jesus.’

She stared up at two lumps of coal and clicked her jaw back into place.

Strange Heart by Jean Rover

Strange Heart MP3

Read by Max Berendt

For the most part, Dave kept his mother in his closet except on her birthday when he would set her on the fireplace mantel so she could get some sun.

Now Miriam, his sister, was going to spoil all that.

For Dave, a mild-mannered, bespectacled high school history teacher, life was going along at an even pace. Then, he met Sharon. Last month, he turned forty and planned to marry her in December.

That’s when Miriam had jumped in. “It’s time,” she announced in her matter-of-fact way via a telephone call from her condo in the Deep South. “No bride in her right mind wants her mother-in-law’s ashes hanging around, especially at Christmas.”

The Corollary Museum by Joel Blackledge

The Corollary Museum MP3

Read by Louisa Gummer (MVP Acting, 2017)

Welcome. Gather round. Gather round, please. Good. Ahem.

If one person were to spend one minute looking at each item in the British Museum’s permanent collection, it would require a visit of 15 uninterrupted years. To do the same in the labyrinthine halls of The Corollary Museum would take almost a century.

But don’t worry - today I will show you just some of the Museum’s catalogue. Please stay together and don’t touch the items. If you have a question then please speak loudly, I’m older than I look.

The Museum was founded by Porfirio Maldonado Jambrina, to house the private collection of objects he acquired on his extraordinary travels. How can one man have collected so much?

The Tale of Sylvie Weir by Victoria Finan

The Tale of Sylvie Weir MP3

Read by Claire Lacey

Did you ever hear the tale of the Weir twins? It was my mam who brought them into this world, back in 1900, when the old Queen were still alive. I were nowt but a lass myself, but Mam had already started taking me with her when the babbies came, to make up the hot water and to shout glad tidings to the dad, if he weren’t already half sozzled by the time baby’s head had crowned.

Of course, this time, what with it being Christmas Eve, it wasn’t just Mr Weir who were out at the pub, but Doctor Maury too. So when Mam shouted at me to run out and fetch the good doctor, I knew as I had a heck of a walk ahead of me, a mile and a half at least and that was before you even thought about the snow.

But I set off at quick speed, making out in the cold with nowt but a candle-lamp that quickly blew out at the first hint of a snowflake. By, but there weren’t roads then like there are now, I tell thee! Just cold, hard fields and me shoes with holes in the sole, but I made it to the Crown at last, though it felt fair like me hands were going to drop off.

Burning the Cat by Duncan Grimes

Burning the Cat MP3

Read by Alex Woodhall

Since Danny came out as gay six months ago his older sister Jane had shown more interest in spending him with him, like he was now a real person who could add some genuine value to her life. Danny felt their boundaries change almost overnight, as Jane shared more and more of her personal life with him. Her decision to dump Graham was just one of the things she shared.

“I feel I’ve tried everything,” she’d said.

“Tried everything after nine months?” Danny asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Jane paused, pretending that his comment made her consider something then concluded, “he’s been leaving more and more of his stuff around the flat, and today he said he wants to move in. I think living together is one thing I don’t need to try with that boy.” 

The Beijing by Ataya Kanji

The Beijing MP3

Read by Keleigh Wolf

We both loved to eat there, at The Beijing. It was close to the house where my dad grew up, and where my grandmother still lived, the six months of the year she was not in India. When my dad realised it was only the two of us home that night, he packed me up in the car. The décor of the restaurant hadn’t changed since I was a child, or I hadn’t noticed. The same Lazy-Susans spinning, the same black chairs padded with dull red suede. I was using chopsticks to catch at imaginary food when our dishes and my usual arrived, the chili chicken with peanuts. I steadily piled it onto my plate. I was nearly eighteen, and chatted away about starting university. How my brother would follow soon after, the two of us being so close in age. When I looked up, I saw the tears in my father’s eyes.

“Dad?”

When I was ten, I tripped on my grandmother’s fireplace grate, rusted and heavy. Her sari draped over her La-Z-Boy as she told me off, gold bangles swinging over her plump wrists and the mangalsutra on her chest. I wouldn’t stop crying. She complained to anyone who would listen that I was too soft. Told them I must have inherited this from my mother’s side of the family. To be fair, at this point neither of us knew my big toe was actually broken.

The Brotherhood of One by Mark Sadler

Brotherhood of One MP3

Read by Paul Clarke

It would have been helpful in the telling of this tale, if I still possessed a photograph that was taken during the summer of 1845. In addition to visually illustrating the personalities involved, I imagine that it was among the first photographs ever to have been taken anywhere in the world, and so held value as a historical curiosity. Alas, it was claimed, along with many other valuables and keepsakes, by the inferno that destroyed the east wing of Roxburgh Hall; the contents of a roaring fireplace having collapsed into one of the drawing rooms, while the entire household was at dinner. 

The photograph was taken on the beach at Saundersfoot, on the coast of Wales. I will describe the image for you, as it appears in my memory: A row of three boys, aged between nine and eleven years, and dressed in pirate costumes, are charging with brandished swords through knee-high tidal surf, in the manner of buccaneers who have recently disembarked from their ship and have taken to the shore in search of plunder.

Sisterhood of the Sea by Alan Graham

Sisterhood of the Sea MP3

Read by Sophie Morris-Sheppard

After two hungry months of waiting, I finally see it. A distant black dot on the horizon, moving slowly through the waves. I let out a sustained cry to alert my Sisters. Within seconds, they appear on all the rocks and crags around me. We are awake. And we are ready.

Having spied our quarry, I have the honour of leading our song. I modulate the single note of my alert cry into a simple melody. Around this my Sisters begin singing their own parts, weaving into the tune enticing harmonies.

Almost immediately, the song works. From my vantage point, I see the black dot change its course, and start moving towards us, increasing in size into its real shape is revealed. It is exactly what my Sisters and I were hoping for – a large sea-crossing vessel.  I increase the tempo of the song and my Sisters follow. And as if in response, our quarry accelerates towards us; the excitement we have poured into our song is clearly affecting its occupants.

 

Darling Amelia by Sam Carter

Darling Amelia MP3

Read by Suzanne Goldberg

My darling Amelia,

Affectionate greetings from Lower Brookmire – though I can hardly think you shall have time to read my letter, being so swept up in the dizzying world of balls, promenades, picnics, house-parties and all the other entertainments that London in the Season has to offer! However, Mama has desired me to acquaint you with the tidings, such as they are, from our little village; and thus I lift my pen.

It has been rather an eventful week, all told – Reverend Rammage has a fearful bad cold in the head: his sermon on Sunday was enlivened by an astonishing variety of coughs, throat-clearings, hoarseness and nasal detonations such that the text (Corinthians 10:13) was all but lost. Mama insists I reproduce it for you here, since London is a pit of vipers and she does not wholly trust Aunt Bertha’s guardianship of your moral welfare, especially if she’s seated near the punchbowl at a dance.

 

Christmas event: SACRED & PROFANE (and post-show Xmas party!) Tuesday 5th December at The Wheatsheaf, Rathbone Place

From swearing vicars to Yuletide arson, via a museum of sacred & profane marvels, awkward Christmas visits and belligerent snowmen, our Christmas event at The Wheatsheaf is a mouthwatering selection box of short story goodness! Click here for the Facebook event & let us know if we'll see you there.

WINNING STORIES for SACRED & PROFANE

Strange Heart by Jean Rover *NEW AUTHOR* 

Flitter by Emma Hutton *NEW AUTHOR*

Forgiveness by Anna Savory

The Corollary Museum by Joel Blackledge 

It Never Snows at Christmas by Peter Higgins

Plus!
- Mince pies!
- Crackers!
- A stockingful of festive fiction to win in our Christmas book quiz!

Because the Wheatsheaf is more intimate than our usual venue, tickets are STRICTLY LIMITED to 40 and cost £10 (which, please note,  includes a complimentary glass of prosecco). As usual, actors & authors who have been featured in 2017 get to drink for free, so it's well worth the price of admission if you are one of those ...

 

Tickets can be bought in cash on the door (if there are any left) or, preferably, in advance by donating £10 (or £20 for 2 tickets, etc.) via the Paypal Donate button on the right ------> and including under "add a note" your name and the number of tickets you require, eg NICHOLAS CLAUS, 2 TICKETS.

 

NB individual seating is first come first served - so best to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good seat. (Accessibility details: access to the upstairs bar is via stairs - there's no lift, alas.)

 

PLEASE NOTE CHANGE OF VENUE FOR DECEMBER ONLY!

 

The Christmas venue is upstairs at:

The Wheatsheaf
25 Rathbone Place
London W1T 1JB

Nearest tubes Tottenham Court Road (5 min - Central/Northern lines), then Goodge Street (7 min - Northern Line)

The R27s by Anna Savory

The R27s MP3

Read by Susan Moisan

I recently spent an agonising weekend completing my first ever tax return. It was the sort of long, grey slog that made me wish repeatedly for death. Once you’ve spent two hours trying to locate your 10-digit Unique Taxpayer Reference online you really do begin to question whether you’re living at all any more. Imagine then the pleasing sense of irony (and less pleasing sense of dread) I had when HMRC called me in my lunch break to tell me I’d been dead all along.

‘According to our system,’ said a girl who sounded only minutes from the grave herself, ‘according to our system, you were marked legally deceased on the 28th of August last year…’

I cast my mind back. 

‘No …’ I said ‘I don’t think so. Was that the bank holiday?’

Render Unto Caesar by Tom Heaton

Render Unto Caesar MP3

Read by Greg Page

The address was ‘Cobbes, Fetters Lane’, but no one on Fetters Lane had heard of ‘Cobbes’, until at last I stopped a grey-haired old dear who was being pulled along by two eager Norfolk terriers.

‘The Cobbes? The loggers?’ she said.

‘The what?’

‘They sell firewood,’ she said.

Do they now? I thought.

She sucked her lips as if thinking something over. ‘Two hundred yards that way, there’s a cattle grid. Park there, cross the field and find the track going up the hill at the end. The Cobbes’ place is on the left, but they don’t take to visitors.’

A Piece of Me by Matt Kimmich

A Piece of Me MP3

Read by Anton Thompson-McCormick

I am sitting in front of the television, on my favourite chair. It’s been an uneventful day. Now, while I am sitting there, the doorbell rings. This in itself is unusual, because I’m not expecting anyone. I get up, walk towards the door and look through the fisheye. There’s a man outside, dressed in a blue uniform, almost like a postman’s uniform. He also has that typical unconcentrated ‘postman’ look on his face, like he’s already thinking about what he’ll do once the job is done. As I said, I’m not expecting anyone, so this is a bit of a surprise.

I open the door, and he gives me a flat look.

“Mr-” He glances at the pad he’s holding and says my name.

“Yes?”

“I’m here for your thumb.”

Raising Taxes by Jennifer Rickard

Raising Taxes MP3

Read by Louisa Gummer

You're two days dead when they come and see me. They say they have to visit that early because if they're going to perform a Raising, they need to freeze the deceased as soon as possible. But it's not a coincidence that they're also visiting when the grief is still raw. It means they're more likely to get a signature, because at that point you’d agree to anything to bring the person back into your life.

They didn't have to apply that tactic to me, because I decided to sign as soon as you flat-lined. As soon as the hospital rang me and told me about your moment of inattention and that speeding car.

Number 35 by Joshua Osto

Number 35 MP3

Read by Lin Sagovsky

I’ve lived on Lonsdale Road my whole life. My brother lives across the street and three doors down, in the house that we both grew up in. When I married Harry I made sure we moved onto Lonsdale Road. It wouldn’t feel right to live anywhere else, and birds of a feather need to stick together, they say. But there’s been so much trouble these last years, to do with number thirty-seven. Then Harry let me down Christmas just gone, after the party at Devan’s, sucking on that young girl’s ear like some kind of pervert. He was drunk though, and thought it was all a laugh.

I’d thought it was all over.

A year before that they arrested Cresswell. They found all sorts in the basement, stuff that you wouldn’t want to think of. Not just bodies but bits of bodies. Some people said that they weren’t surprised; that Cresswell had one of those faces. Not like my Harry, who has the face of a naughty cherub.

“It’s because I’ve led a blameless life,” he says to me. He’s a cheeky one.

LifePlan by Liam Hogan

LifePlan MP3

Read by Carrie Cohen

It has long been a problem that has plagued actuaries, politicians and indeed, prudent individuals such as yourselves. Planning, for an uncertain future. How much should you pay into your pension not knowing how long, or indeed, if you'll ever claim it? How much should you set aside for periods of unemployment? For healthcare issues? For assisted living?

Until now, this thorniest of problems has been tackled - but far from solved - by the crudest of tools, by the bluntest of instruments: statistics. Your life expectancy and other, similar data are simply averaged. Which means that the man who dies the morning of his retirement party is subsidising the woman celebrating her 100^th birthday surrounded by friends and family and with a congratulatory message from the Queen.

November event: BROTHERS & SISTERS, Tuesday 14th November

Love them or loathe them, you have to live with them - so this month we've got six stories of siblings for you to squabble over, from hired brothers to tribes of mermaids, via stoned Georgians, ghostly twins, dark family secrets and a surprising sibling love-triangle ... click here for the Facebook event & let us know if we'll see you there!

WINNING STORIES for BROTHERS & SISTERS

The Beijing by Ataya Kanji NEW AUTHOR, read by Keleigh Wolf 
The Brotherhood of One by Mark Sadler NEW AUTHOR, read by Paul Clarke
The Tale of Sylvie Weir by Victoria Finan NEW AUTHOR, read by Claire Lacey
Burning the Cat by Duncan Grimes NEW AUTHOR, read by Alex Woodhall
Sisterhood of the Sea by Alan Graham, read by Sophie Morris-Sheppard
Darling Amelia by Sam Carter, read by Suzanne Goldberg

Plus!
- Luxury handcrafted doublesided programmes! 
- Brand new books to win in our infamous, incomprehensible, impossible, irresistible book quiz!
- Two for one on burgers all night!
- Attractive and talented actors (and authors ... and Liars)

Tickets cost £5 on the door (cash only, tables can be reserved for parties of 5 or more by calling 07808 939535) and individual seating is first come first served - so best to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good seat. (Accessibility note: access to the basement bar is via stairs - there's no lift, alas.)

The venue is downstairs at:
The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square 
London 
W1G 0PP

(The Phoenix is five minutes' walk from Oxford Circus tube station, which is on the Victoria, Bakerloo and Central lines). Map here.

 

October event: DEATH & TAXES Hallowe'en special, Tue 10th October

You've seen the pumpkin costumes at the checkouts, you've clocked the skull-shaped sweets in the shops ... Yes, Hallowe'en is coming - and to celebrate the terror and horror of the season, our October event theme is DEATH & TAXES (click for Facebook event).

 

Here's the podcast from the night, the videos are on YouTube and the story texts and author & actor bios lurk sinisterly here. 

 

We selected six spine-shuddering stories to chill the very marrow of your bones: whether you're a bereaved lover or an insurance hawker, a hapless (soon to be limbless) couch potato or officially dead - from rural pig-farm to suburban slaughterhouse, there was no escape from Death & Taxes! The show took place on Tuesday 10th October, starting at 7.30pm (doors open at 7pm), and as ever it was a spookily cheap £5 admission. What's to be scared of?

 

DEATH & TAXES WINNING STORIES 

The R27s by Anna Savory *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Susan Moisan
A Piece of Me by Matt Kimmich *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Anton Thompson-McCormick
LifePlan by Liam Hogan, read by Carrie Cohen
Render Unto Caesar by Tom Heaton, read by Greg Page
Raising Taxes by Jennifer Rickard, read by Louisa Gummer
Number 35 by Joshua Osto read by Lin Sagovsky

 

The night will also feature our infamous book quiz, with some seriously dark novels as prizes, inflatable bats, orange tinsel and (of course) buckets of ghoulish candy. Tickets cost £5 on the door (cash only, no advance booking) and seating is unreserved - so best to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good table. Accessibility note: access to the basement bar is via stairs - there's no lift, alas. 

The venue is downstairs at:
The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square 
London 
W1G 0PP

(The Phoenix is five minutes' walk from Oxford Circus tube station, which is on the Victoria, Bakerloo and Central lines). Map here.

Le Retreat by Fiona Salter

Le Retreat MP3

Read by Sarah Gain

"I was put on this planet ter bring happiness ter others, basically."

Nora is dragging her case through the dinky French airport, following a wolf. It's gazing out from Kiki’s fleecy back, above striding lime-green leopard print legs. Kiki is the bringer of happiness.

Nora feels she’s only been clinging onto adult life with her fingernails for a while now.  Having exhausted another boss, another man, another landlord in quick succession, she’s decided it’s time for a little soul searching. It turned out that what her friends termed eccentric or, more kindly, ’kooky’ didn’t cut it in your forties.  

‘Rebalance your chakras, find wellness in French countryside’ the ad had said. Chakras? Never mind. 'Available all year round.' That clinched it. A retreat sounded positive and focused, the kind of thing a proper adult would do, instead of holing up in bed like a wounded animal.

Walk a Mile in my Shoes by Olga Wojtas

Walk a Mile in My Shoes MP3

Read by Keleigh Wolf

Abby was feeling meh. There was no particular reason. Or rather, there were lots of little reasons which had all stuck together to create a sensation of overwhelming mehness.

She had stayed up too late playing Bejeweled Blitz and woken feeling slightly headachy. The milk in the fridge had turned sour. She was pretty sure Simon wasn't The One. It was raining. She’d waited to buy the blue jumpsuit in the sale and now they only had it in a size 10. She hadn't won the lottery. Again. And it really irritated her the way the superheroes cluttered up the coffee shop.

It had been such a lovely little independent. But now its character had changed completely, and everyone was too scared of the superheroes to complain. She would never have gone in if the milk hadn't been sour.