I hate this country, you know. When I think of all the places I could be. Sure, Palestine ain’t so nice at the moment, but Barcelona, perhaps? Genoa? Even fucking Moscow would do, frankly. Well, maybe not Moscow. I like a bit of warmth, after all. But you get my drift. England is not where I want to be right now.
So why am I stuck here in this godforsaken rainy, over-priced, underwhelming shit-hole of a country, populated by a bunch of ungrateful, uncultured, whingeing hypocrites? I’ll tell you why. It’s all because of the bloody footie. I’m here because your – my – pathetic excuse for a national team failed to qualify for Euro 2008. And what’s that got to do with me? Especially now that it’s all over and done with. You might well ask.