Hey y'all!
I guess it's that time again! Christmas greetings from the Palins, here in sunny Alaska!
Well now, 2009. It has been an eventful year for the Palin family. You know us, never a dull moment! But where to begin? With the man of the house, I reckon.
Todd has been working all the hours God sends with the fishing business, along with a li'l old offshore drilling project that I probably should not mention. Those out of state environmental types might not understand what Todd and the boys from BP are attempting to achieve here. Or maybe they would, but we still believe in progress, here in Alaska. Hell, we believe in 'Big Oil', and if that means old Sarah occasionally needs to turn a blind eye to certain irregularities that may not be strictly within the letter of the US law, as it currently stands, well so be it, I say. Certainly, Todd's were not the only irregularities I was to witness this year. But more of those later.
Meantime, I am now a grandmother. Grandma Sarah ... I can't believe it sometimes. Seems like only yesterday I was sitting under the bleachers with Todd, drinking a beer, riding around in his truck, being crazy … Perhaps as a result of related behaviour, then, (though she was always a tad too feisty for her own good) Bristol, my eldest daughter, has given birth to a bouncing baby gal. Out of wedlock, as y'all may have gathered from the tabloid newspapers, but Todd and I expect that situation to change very soon. That young man will be walked up the aisle and into the ministry of Jesus with a goddamn AK-47 if necessary, Todd says. That husband of mine, he has such a way about him!
As for the youngsters, Piper, Willow and Trig (sometimes I wonder how Todd and I ever thought of those names!) they are walking righteously in the eyes of the Lord. Or at least Trig is not, yet - he is only one. Though Todd already reckons he'll make a fine soldier, and killer of fish, moose and whatnot. He can see it in his eyes, he says, as he lies in his crib. Trig that is, not Todd!
Finally, Track, my eldest boy, arrived back home from Iraq in the autumn, as a decorated
veteran, I am proud to say. He used to remark, in his e-mails, that any damn fool (not exactly the words he used) could earn a Purple Heart, that 'all you have to do is show up and get shot, Ma'. But now he owns one himself, I am sure he feels differently. Not that he says very much on that subject. That, or any other. Too busy out all hours in his old haunts, I reckon. He likes to spend a lot of time in the woods, with his rifle, and his hunting knives. I reckon the critter population's taken a regular hiding since he returned! At least I think that's what he's been doing. But I do not agree with some of his recent 'fashion decisions', with the black trenchcoat in particular –
'Track', I say to him 'I know it must seem cold here after Iraq, but what's wrong with a fleece jacket? Just because we can see the Russians from here, it don't mean you have to dress like one, my friend!’ Still, he has served his country. And if sometimes, I hear him screaming in the night, hollering up at that old Alaskan moon, well boys will be boys, I guess. He always did like to get his poor mother's goat, did Track. As y'all may know, we have butted heads on a number of occasions. And I am quite sure this new phase, the mood-swings, the English rock band t-shirts (in Alaska, 'English' means something different from what I guess it does in England, otherwise how would you guys even have a birth-rate?) is just that, a phase.
Track will be applying to a series of good Christian colleges in the New Year, regardless. None of that 'Gulf War syndrome' bull-manure for him. I see him as … well, possibly not a doctor. A lawyer, perhaps.
Which brings us on to li'l old me. Well, since the sorry events of November 2008 – it's not
just myself I weep for, it's America – Sarah Palin has been far from idle. There have been my
duties as governor of this great state of course, but I have also embarked on a very personal project, which has helped me to come to terms with what happened last year. Because you know me, this Alaskan gal don't like to be beat! And in particular not by a ... nabob, a narcissist, like our friend Mr. Obama. It's a crying shame that a man like that can end up in the White House, in this country of ours. I think y'all know what I'm saying.
I will admit, then, that there were some black days after the election. I sometimes wondered if it had all been my fault. Senator McCain was a panty-waist, granted, and not a well man, but had old Sarah's earthy, down-home approach to world events in some way contributed to his fall? For a while, I felt like maybe it had done. Some of the things they were saying in the media, about old Sarah trying to ban all those books from Alaska's libraries, or to get that man locked up for divorcing her sister … well they hurt, they did. To be clear, the first library in Alaska I'd ban, if I could, is Track's, but I am unable to even do that, to keep filth like 'Ulysses' and 'The Origin of Species' out of my own home, owing to the Yale lock Track's put on his door. I swear, that boy could barely hold a hammer straight before he was in the service! However, I digress.
The point is that all the dirt the Democrats slung at me, in their sleazy campaign, very different from the G.O.P's … well some of it stuck. The suggestion that old Sarah really was as dumb as a moose's dingus … At times, my friends, I began to wonder. It was a testing period.
And it all came to a head one evening when I was reading an e-mail that Track had sent me, from Iraq. With hindsight, my stance on the war was not one he shared, but I did not realise this at the time. So when he told me that all the boys in his unit were checking out a website called 'Sarah Palin: Hardcore' I took that as a gesture of solidarity. Well who wouldn't? In fact my heart swelled with pride when, at Track's suggestion, and in a spare moment after the election (I'd been far too busy on the campaign trail before) I Googled it.
The first thing I saw was an image of a lady who looked very like me, who had the same, dare I say, iconic, ponytail, designer frames and business suit look. With a black man's … appendage, his 'schlong', I believe is the technical term, inserted, how can I put this, where the Lord did not intend. Well, so far so satirical, I figured. I had become used to people goofing on this kind of stuff during the election, so I wasn't shocked. I would have chosen the Statue of Liberty as a more appropriate image, I remember thinking, instead of old Sarah, but the message about the likely fate of this country under Obama was, while distastefully put, still appreciated.
Or so I thought. Upon further investigation, however, it proved to be … not that kind of website, at all.
Do you know what a 'spit-roast' is? Not a pot-roast – we've all had one of those, I'm sure! A spit-roast, however, is quite different. By the same token, it's one thing to learn what an M.I.L.F. is, and quite another again to discover that in the eyes of some very sick individuals, you are one.
What had happened, it transpired, was that a group of the kind of people that the Lord struck down in Gomorrah (and yes, they were that, literally – really, I felt for her … I mean it has to hurt, right? Perhaps some of you know?) had dressed some gal off the streets up like yours truly, and then put her through what seemed like an exhaustive, and frankly eye-watering list of … unchristian activities. On the world-wide web, yet. I had thought that tramp Tina Fey was bad enough, riding on my coat-tails to fame with her 'comedy' routine. But this woman, this 'porn star', I guess you'd call her, was heading into perdition on the back of something, actually a series of somethings, that were far worse.
Should I rehearse what my lookalike, my 'insatiable' avatar, did on that website? There's every reason why not, but then again, I am a Republican. Explaining … uncomfortable truths is all in a day's work.
So there were ... encounters between my doppelganger and an obviously very troubled blonde who was standing in for Hillary Clinton. (Well, points for casting there, I guess). She, 'I', and 'Condy Rice’ were required to get some legislation onto the statute books, by any, and I mean any, means necessary. This involved 'meetings' with Presidents Bush senior and junior, Mr. Obama, as discussed, 'Slick Willy' Clinton, Mrs. Nancy Reagan and bizarrely, even in this context, all the great Republican heroes of Mount Rushmore. (I am unsure of names, but they were all Republicans, right? Otherwise I'd feel doubly violated). Anyway, it was not an easy bill to get through congress. There was much play on the word 'congress' incidentally. They must have thought they were real bright, the people behind this. Probably, they went to Berkeley. The scene involving a pitbull in lipstick would tend to suggest that, certainly. However, I am simply not going there.
In any event, long story short, I was so exercised by all this depravity, that, paradoxically, it inspired me. Because I realised that if nobody else – certainly not that nitwit Mr. Obama - was going to drag this country out of the cesspit into which it had flung itself, then Sarah Palin would just have to step up to the plate.
I had lost my innocence about certain matters, it’s true, but I had found something much more valuable: a cause. A crusade, if you like. Sure, I felt bad for the protagonist of Nailin' Palin, but I felt worse for the kids who might accidentally stumble across this filth whilst Googling 'dogs do the funniest things'. It's about time this country learned that freedom of speech is a privilege, not a right. And as we all know – especially my husband Todd – privileges can be withdrawn.
So if this seems like an unfestive story, well hell no, Satan! Because this hockey mom is gonna clean house! You heard it here first, folks – Sarah Palin will run on a platform of purity in 2012! And in this season of goodwill and giving, I'm sure y'all will be glad to know that you can send your campaign donations to the usual address. Or simply log onto my new website! The tools of mine enemy shall be used against him, saith the Lord! (I'm sure he said that somewhere). Although obviously, be careful 'on-line'.
Anyhoo, if you're still unsure about opening your checkbook, just ask yourself this: what's the most important gift you can give your children this Christmas – an i-Pod, or innocence? – and I trust you'll find there's a book that matters more. The Good Book!
With best wishes for a happy, and prosperous, New Year for you and your family. Praise the Lord, and pass the ammunition!
Sincerely,
Your friend (and Jesus's)!
Sarah Palin.
© Quintin Forrest, 2008.
Sarah Palin’s Yuletide Epistle 2009 by Quintin Forrest was read by Daisy Whyte at the Liars’ League Lost & Found event on Tuesday 9 December 2008.
Quintin Forrest’s four principal activities are writing stories, rewriting his novel, playing PS2 and wishing for a PS3. His previous stories for Liars’ League include The Notting Hill Punisher, Lavender Bunny and the Big Brother House, Tries to Cook and Eat Gordon Ramsay, and Pete Doherty’s Christmas Carol.
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