Liars' League

The Flyer Man by Jonny Aldridge

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Read by Rhik Samadder

As I was a bit short on cash this spring I got a crappy job with the Department of Islamic Development. Every Valentine’s Day they advertise for ridiculous stooges to flood the streets of Kuala Lumpur preaching abstinence and handing out flyers; but it turned out that, for 100 Ringgit an hour, I was a stooge too.

 

Song of the Stapler by Simon Jones

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Read by Katy Darby

Here’s what happens. It’s late and Peterson and I are the only two left on our floor. I have a report, they want a hard copy of it upstairs, and I need a staple to hold it all together. I do not have a stapler. There is one by Peterson so I go over and am about to take hold of it when he scowls at me, like it was his. Like he’d bought it or something. I’m a thorough woman so I ask him “What?” He’s glaring now so I say “Look, I just need one staple: is that OK?” and he scowls again, but in a sort of acquiescing way.

 

That Daring Young Man by Barry McKinley

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Read by David McGrath

London Diary - 5^th November - 1979

At lunchtime, I left the drawing office with Don and we sat in his car on the Uxbridge Road. We smoked up a couple of blazing joints and talked the inevitable nonsense.  Don is a squatter; he lives in an abandoned hospital with a wife and three children.  “We have our own ward”, he said to me once, “named after Alexander Fleming.  Come around and check it out”. 

“What are the visiting hours?”  I asked, and then we both laughed.

 

Paternoster by Richard Smyth

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Read by Peter Noble

How many is that? I have lost count. Is that five or six? Eight? Damn, you blackguard, how the devil can it be eight, I have barely been away from home for – for, well, what hour is it, Mr Calverley? It can’t be later than – oh. Gone midnight, is it. I see. Eight bottles? It seems a devilish large amount of claret, though I seem to be standing upright yet. Ay, it takes more than eight bottles of claret to bring Sir John Paternoster low! Hurrah, hurrah! Another, sir – I would drink to my own fortitude.

 

Rotterdam Wives by Siddhartha Banerjee

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Read by Avin Shah

‘Columbia’, irrespective of what the name suggests – visible from the high street and displayed in flashing red neon – was not much more than a run-down strip joint. Not that we wanted it to be anything else. A run-down strip joint with loud Latino music and pulsating lights shining on the pole was all that we had come looking for. It was almost nine now and, with all of us being required to report back before the midnight shift, we didn’t have much time.

 

Winning candidates for Business & Pleasure, Tue 10 Sep!

 
ALL STAFF MEMO

It is with great pleasure that the Liars' League informs you that the successful candidates for our Business & Pleasure event on Tuesday 10th September have been selected. We do hope you'll join us in welcoming these stories to the team, especially those by new authors.

The event on Tuesday will be a "meet and greet" starting at 7pm at the Phoenix, with presentations beginning at 7.30pm BST promptly. As a special concession from Head Office, bottles of wine will be discounted by 20% and there will be a "fun" quiz at the "interval" at which members of staff can win free motivational business books, or maybe just some good novels.

The stories in question deal with many of the pressures of modern business life, such as office equipment theft, turning up to work drunk, taking morally compromised menial jobs, having to fire your best mate, designing nuclear plants and whether it's acceptable to use Dutch prostitutes as long as your wife doesn't find out. We trust these presentations will be informative and interesting, and we're sure everyone will "take away" something from the night, even if it's only a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People.

BUSINESS & PLEASURE - WINNING STORIES
Paternoster by Richard Smyth
That Daring Young Man by Barry McKinley
Song of the Stapler by Simon Jones
The Flyer Man by Jonny Aldridge *NEW AUTHOR*
Rotterdam Wives by Siddhartha Banerjee *NEW AUTHOR*

In conclusion, we do hope to see all members of staff (spouses are welcome too) at what will no doubt be a "bonding experience" on Tuesday 10th. Please diarise and sync your calendars. Please note that here will be a non-voluntary contribution of £5 on the door towards expenses. Promotion/bonuses etc. will not depend on your presence, but attendance will be taken and recorded.

Sincerely,

Head Office

Downstairs at The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square
London W1G 0PP
www.phoenixcavendishsquare.co.uk