Read by Cliff Chapman & Suzanne Goldberg
SHE
Tagline: West End Girl Seeks New Adventures
You: Tall, dark, decent-looking, nice smile. Maybe an arty job or something in the media, but definitely not a wanker.
(Am I allowed to say wanker? I’ll check in a minute. “Tosser” could work.)
Definitely not a tosser. 30 to 40, living in Zone 1 or 2. New to London or born and raised, I don’t mind – we can explore it together! You like going out and doing new things … I would love it if you surprised me on our first date.
(Surprised me by turning up, that is. God, don’t be so negative … it’s going to be fine.)
(Does that sound too sexual?)
I’m game for anything (except anal) – try me! Smiley face!
(Christ, that’s worse.)
I’m always up for new experiences – so get in touch!
(So far so bland … Oh fuck it. I’ll do Me.)
Me: I’m early 30s, slim and average height with long curly dark hair – some say a bit like Cher’s. (Except she’s about 70)
Some say like Katy Perry’s. I moved up to London 10 years ago and I work in Bloomsbury (not the publishing company – I wish!) I love to read, watch films and go to the pub. (I also breathe air, eat food and write uninformative dating site profiles)
I love to read … (Read what though? What do men like?)
I love to read, especially thrillers – how about that Dan Brown?! (Hello, I’m barely literate!)
I love to read, especially existentialist novellas (how about that Albert Camus?) (Hello, I’m really up myself!)
I love to read, from Dan Brown thrillers to stuff by Camus. (“Stuff” is good; more casual.)
And watch films from Woody Allen to Star Wars to the Farrelly Brothers … (A massive lie I hope I’m never caught out in, but guys like that sort of thing. Or they say they do, anyway. I know they like Star Wars.)
I’ve had a few long-term relationships in the past but now I’m single and ready to mingle … (And ready to use cringing clichés if it will get me a date)
And I just want to meet new, interesting people to have a laugh and maybe more … (Maybe some sex. Definitely some sex. If my vagina hasn’t sealed up by now. Smiley face. No, winky face. Is winky face too suggestive? Smiley face … winky face. Winky slut face. Oh screw it … winky face. It doesn’t constitute a binding contract.)
I’ll be your Carrie Bradshaw if you’ll be my Mr. Big. (DELETE DELETE DELETE. That’s the Merlot talking.)
… a laugh and maybe more … winky face.
POST.
(Oh fuck.)
(What have I done?)
HE
Tagline: Mile End Man going places – with you?
You:
Looks: Jessica Rabbit on a really hot day.
Eye colour: Violet
Hair: Long – any colour
Job: Underwear model, part time international spy
Financial status: Independently wealthy
Age: 26 … and a half
Height: 5’9” … and a half
Body type: Va-va-voom. I’m more of an arse man but as long as the whole package is there I’m not complaining. Prefer slim with big boobs and booty, but I’ll go up to a size 12.
(So Dan said write what you really want, like your ideal fantasy girl, then go through and write the opposite, and that’s what you’re realistically looking at. But I don’t think it’s working, because this is my opposite list.
The problem with putting things like “looks unimportant”, “height unimportant”, “body type unimportant” is that it sounds like you’re either so desperate you’d stick it in a lady Orc – or that you look like the Elephant Man yourself and you want a partner in the touring freakshow that is your life.
Dan said “think about your exes, what did they have in common?” And the answer is nothing, except they all dumped me. Blonde, dark, redheaded, tall, short, curvy, skinny … I can’t even narrow the age down much because Simone was 19 and Anthea was 45, and they were both smokin’.
Oh bloody hell. I’ll just do me.)
Me: Male, obviously. 33, the age Jesus was when he died. Smiley face. (DELETE DELETE).
Religion: Agnostic. (Does that sound too fancy? She might think it’s some extreme sect …)
Religion: None. Height 5’11” (Including trainers).
Hair brown, eyes brown. (If I were an envelope I’d be manila, if I were an ice-cream I’d be vanilla).
Interests: bad poetry, indie gigs, new bars, the early work of Woody Allen. I work in media sales but I promise I’m not a wanker. (Tosser? Dickhead? Cunt?)
Wanker. (Except in the literal sense).
I don’t really have a “type” – (Hello, I will literally fuck anything).
I’m open to all sorts of girls – (I will give you a disease).
I appreciate a beautiful girl, but I think that what’s inside is more important than what’s on the outside – so tell me how you like to have fun and I’ll see if I can oblige. (No ball torture or strap-ons, though).
I’m a nice guy, but I’m not used to finishing last – I need a girl who can keep up with me, so if you’re game for a laugh and like trying new things, I’d love to meet you! Smiley face. (Smiley face or winky face? Ah, you only live once. Both!)
POST.
(I’m going to fucking kill Dan).
SHE
Message subject: Annie Hall?
Dear Mile End Man,
Thanks for the wink! I see you’re a fan of Woody Allen too. Which of his films do you like best? I’m an Annie Hall girl myself. Or maybe Bullets over Broadway – that’s as late as I can go, after that he really starts to go downhill. I saw Match Point when it came out and it was shit. Jonathan Rhys Meyers is quite hot though. My favourite film of all time, though, is Casablanca. Or maybe Citizen Kane. Although Ghostbusters is great too. How about yours?
West End Girl
(Saff at work told me that this was the best way to work out what the guy is like. Everybody lies about their favourite book but movies are easier to scope. She even gave me a little decoder:
Action movie – dickhead
Animated/Cartoon – pervert or psychopath
Anime – pervert
Black & white – pretentious dickhead
Chick flick – in the closet
Fantasy except Lord of the Rings which everyone loves – Unfuckable
Foreign – pretentious. Or foreign.
Historical - depends
Indie movie – hipster dickhead
Sci-fi – Geek
Thriller – depends
Western – chauvinist
I’ve just realised that this doesn’t give me many options where he isn’t a dickhead or a pervert. I wonder sometimes if Saff wants me to stay single).
HE
Message subject: Re: Annie Hall?
Hey West End Girl,
Love your profile pic! (Winky face) Is that a feather boa you’re wearing? I think I’ve been to that bar – Kick in Shoreditch, isn’t it? Nice place, if you can avoid the wankers.
I guess my favourite Woody film would be Toy Story 3. I’m kidding, obviously, though that is a really good film – I love all the animated Pixar stuff, though my friend Dan says I shouldn’t tell women this in case they think I’m weird. But whatever. I like Annie Hall of course, and Radio Days, and Manhattan because Mariel Hemingway is absolutely smoking in it, though that’s not the only reason. My all-time favourite film is probably The Human Centipede. KIDDING. It’s Gladiator really. I love that speech Maximus makes at the end.
Anyway, I saw that there’s a special screening of The Purple Rose of Cairo at the Renoir in Russell Square on Friday night, it’s an anniversary or something. I’m going along anyway so maybe you want to come and check it out? You work in Bloomsbury, right? Anyway, let me know. I’ll wear a purple rose so you can spot me!
Smiley face, winky face
Mile End Man
SHE
(I looked up The Human Centipede. I shouldn’t have done that. I really hope he is joking.
Gladiator? Is that Action or Historical? I’m saying it’s historical. That means “depends”. On whether I like Gladiator I suppose. Luckily, I do. His profile picture looks a bit like Russell Crowe, too, if you squint and add a beard. And I’m free on Friday – well, I am if I bail on Saff. So I don’t have any good reason not to say yes. I’m meant to like new things and I’ve never seen the Purple Rose of Whatever before.
Shit, this is a bit real. Nobody told me you’d have to actually meet people).
Dear Mile End Man,
Ok, you’re on! What time does it start? Do you want to meet for a drink beforehand or shall we grab a bite after? I’ll look out for your purple rose. That sounds a bit dirty. (Smiley face). I’ll be wearing a purple dress. Now that we’re meeting in real life, do you want to tell me your name? I’m Vicky.
X Vicky
HE
(I’ve got a date! I’ve actually got a fucking date! Now where the hell am I going to find a purple rose?)
Hey Vicky,
It starts at 8 – I’ll get the tickets and we can meet in the foyer at about 7.45, go for a drink after or some food after? See you there, I’m looking forward to it.
Laters
John
SHE
(7.30. Or is my watch fast?)
HE
(7.45. Sodding florist couldn’t find me a purple rose so I had to go to a joke shop in the end. This one squirts water. I hope she doesn’t think I’m mental. Bloody hell, look at the queue. Maybe she’ll be late. Can’t see anyone in a purple dress.)
SHE
(Oh there he is! Hmmm. That rose looks fake.
You: Brown hair, brown eyes: tick. 5’11” … take those trainers off and we’ll see. Looks acceptably like picture: tick. 33? Looks younger, but I’m not complaining. Punctuality … well, he started queuing at 7.45, I suppose that counts. And as long as I don’t take my coat off I bet he won’t spot me. He’s looking round like a meerkat trying to spot a predator. It’s quite sweet.)
HE
Popcorn? Er … yeah, all right. Salty. And sweet. Large, I suppose. How much? Er, do you take cards?
(Where is she? It’s only five minutes before the film starts. I’m not eating all this popcorn on my own. I suppose I could resell her ticket if she doesn’t show up. Or give it to that girl in the big duffel coat standing over there, she’s quite fit. It’d be a good “how we met” story – I got stood up at the cinema, she was waiting for a return ticket and … hang on. Hang on, that’s Vicky! Isn’t it? She looks different with glasses. Hotter, actually. A bit like Mariel Hemingway. Or the young Cher. Or Katy Perry. If you squint.
Hey.
SHE
Argh!
HE
Sorry, did I surprise you? Salty or sweet?
SHE
Sorry, er, salty, thanks. Nice rose.
HE
Cheers. I thought you were going to wear a purple dress?
SHE
I was. I mean I am! I’m not naked under the coat or anything. It’s just a bit cold in here.
HE
No worries. Shall we go in?
SHE
OK.
*
SHE
(The film was good, actually. All about a lonely woman who goes to see the same movie over and over because she’s in love with the lead character, until one day he steps out of the screen. Bit of a chick-flick, but I’m pretty sure John’s not in the closet, because on my bedside table I can see a joke-shop purple rose.
Smiley face.)
HE
(Head: mild hangover. Bed: unfamiliar. Boxers: missing, presumed draped over a chair. On the floor, when I crack an eye, an unzipped purple dress.
Winky face.)
(c) Maria Kyle, 2014
Maria Kyle is a freelance magazine editor based in Oxford, where she lives with her husband and two long-suffering children. In between jobs, she is building a collection of short stories.
Cliff Chapman is Leicester born, Manx raised and available with a number of bonus features including: theatre; voice acting; audiobook directing; idents; music videos, short films and commercials. He is represented by Meredith Westwood Management and is easily won over by red wine.
Suzanne Goldberg’s theatre credits include: Macbeth (National Tour), Miniaturists (Arcola Theatre), A Big Day for the Goldbergs (New End Theatre), Who Will Carry the Word? (Courtyard Theatre) Moll Flanders (Southwark Playhouse), Soho Streets (Soho Theatre), The Cherry Orchard (Greenwich Playhouse), & Theatre Souk (Theatre Delicatessen). Suzanne regularly narrates for RNIB Talking Books.
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