Read by Miranda Harrison
Once upon a time a very pretty young girl with many younger brothers and sisters suffered the death of her father, a miller. She had always known she must marry but had found no young man in the neighborhood to her taste. And now bitter poverty threatened.
Her mother, a resourceful woman, soon remarried, however. The new husband was a local tenant farmer who would now work the mill. But he was also a widower with many children of his own. The mother suggested to her oldest daughter Catherine (or Kitty, as she was called) that she seek work as a servant since the house had become so crowded. Kitty cheerfully agreed. "I shall miss my brothers and sisters," said she, "but I can often visit if I find a place nearby. And perhaps I can take some company to remind me of my dear home."
And so, accompanied by Pussy, her favorite of all the cats that played and hunted about the mill, Kitty visited the neighboring farms seeking work. Domestic service was not needed, however, neither on any farm nor in the village nor even in the nearby market town. Either Kitty was too pretty and the mistress's husband too restless, or the householders didn't like cats, or there wasn't enough work, or there was plenty of work but no money to pay for it.
So Kitty resolved to seek her fortune in the capital. She packed some bread and cheese in a knotted cloth, kissed her mother and her younger brothers and sisters goodbye, and set out on the highway with Pussy riding on her shoulder and waving his tail as though to say, "We're off to see the world, my mistress and I!"
Kitty had not been walking long when she was overtaken by a handsome soldier and his dog hurrying to join their regiment. When the soldier saw Kitty's round arms and laughing blue eyes, he decided his regiment was not in so much hurry as all that. He slowed his pace to walk beside her. After conversing for a while, the soldier invited Kitty to lie with him among the bracken because he wanted to show her how soldiers perform the sword exercise. Having observed with interest the animals in her mother's farmyard, Kitty was not surprised by what happened next but instead delighted.
Afterwards, she rose up flushed and smiling and smoothed her petticoats. "Well, husband," said she, "now that I am the wife of a handsome soldier, I suppose I must go with you to the wars and learn the military tactics of advance and retreat!" So Kitty and the soldier set off again, and in the next town they came to he bought her a pretty red shawl to adorn her arms. That night they slept again in the bracken by the forest's edge and spent many hours testing their strength in martial exercises.
The next morning, Kitty sat on a rock beside the highway combing her hair while her soldier-husband washed himself in a nearby stream. She had not been sitting long when a handsome actor came by, leading a donkey with his costumes and props on its back. The actor wore a fine suit and dressed his hair with perfumed oil. When Kitty saw him, she began to weep.
The actor was charmed by Kitty's long black curls and slender waist. "Why are you crying, pretty maid?" he said. "Are you crying because you are so very pretty and yet have no husband?"
"Oh no! I am not crying because I have no husband. My husband is a handsome soldier. You can see him there behind the trees. I am crying to think how he will grieve at leaving a wife behind when he goes into battle. How can he fight for the king when he thinks of me left all alone, perhaps forever?"
"If you leave him now and come with me," said the actor, "he may have overcome his grief before the battle starts."
"Perhaps he may!" said Kitty. She picked up her bundle, adjusted her shawl, gathered up Pussy, called the dog (who had grown quite fond of her), and set off to walk beside her new husband.
After they had traveled on conversing for a while, the actor invited Kitty to lie beside him in a haystack because he wanted to show her a little bird he had that could do tricks. Kitty was even less surprised and rather more delighted by what happened next. What the actor lacked in military vigor, he more than made up for in artistry. Afterwards, Kitty rose up flushed and smiling and smoothed her petticoats.
"Well, husband," said she, "now that I am the wife of a fine actor, I suppose I must go on the road with you and become a player myself!" So Kitty and the actor set off again, with Pussy, the dog, and the donkey. The actor taught Kitty how to curtsy like a great court lady in a play. And in the next town they came to he bought her pretty red shoes to match her shawl. That night they slept in the stable of an inn and spent the hours rehearsing love scenes of every kind.
The next day, after she had acted the queen beside him on a cart in the town's marketplace, Kitty sat on the steps of the pump and watched her new husband performing Dr. Faustus bargaining with Mephistopheles. A fine merchant on his horse, who had been struck by Kitty's performance, now drew near to observe her charms more closely. When Kitty noticed his attentions, she began to laugh.
The merchant was delighted by her cherry lips and pretty teeth. "Why are you laughing, pretty mistress?" he said. "Are you laughing because it is so droll to have a strolling player for your husband?"
"Oh no! That fine actor is not my husband. He is my father. I am laughing to think how happy he will be one day when I get the rich husband he is sure my refined manners and delicate features deserve."
"If you leave him now and come with me," said the merchant, "his great happiness could begin immediately."
"Indeed it could!" said Kitty. She picked up her bundle, slipped her shoes back on, adjusted her shawl, called to Pussy and the dog, and set off beside her new husband riding on the donkey.
They traveled on conversing with refined good cheer, but the merchant did not invite Kitty to lie beside him until they reached the next town where he bought her a new dress and a golden necklace. Once alone together in the inn's best bedroom, the merchant promised to show Kitty another valuable gift. Kitty was far from surprised but deeply gratified by what happened next. What the merchant lacked in vigour or artistry, he more than made up for in substantial assets.
Afterwards, Kitty rose up flushed and smiling and smoothed her petticoats. "Well, husband," said she, "now that I am the wife of a fine merchant, I suppose I must travel the world with you and learn to buy and sell!" So the next morning, after a night spent exchanging a number of valuable presents, she and her merchant husband set off again, with Pussy, the dog, the donkey, and the horse.
The merchant was traveling to the capital to complete some business but stopped on the way to collect what was owing on another contract. While Kitty waited for him in the road, sitting prettily sidesaddle on her donkey beside the merchant's great saddlehorse, a nobleman came driving by in a coach and four. When Kitty saw the coach, she began to frown and tap her chin with one finger. The nobleman, who was delighted by Kitty's smooth round chin and dainty hands, ordered his coachman to stop. "Why are you frowning, pretty maid?" he said. "Are you frowning because it is so tedious waiting when your father is a man of business?"
"Oh no! That great merchant is not my father. I am his ward. And I am frowning to think that my guardian, who has taught me the secrets of buying and selling, expects me somehow to acquire a great house and land and a coach like yours. What asset could I ever hope to exchange for such wealth as he expects?"
"I think I know of one," said the nobleman. "If you leave your guardian now and come with me, he will be as proud of your business abilities as he must already be of your assets."
"I believe he will!" said Kitty. She helped the footman tether the horse and donkey behind the coach, called to Pussy and the dog, and climbed in to sit beside her new husband.
They traveled on conversing freely with aristocratic ease. When they reached the capital and the nobleman's grand town house, the nobleman presented Kitty with jewels and a fur-lined cloak before inviting her to join him in his private apartments where he proposed to introduce Kitty to an important member of his family. Kitty was eagerly expectant and as delighted as she could have wished by the introduction. The nobleman lacked neither vigour nor artistry, his assets were substantial, and the family member whom he introduced was as long-lived and upstanding as his family was noble and ancient.
Afterwards, Kitty rose up flushed and smiling and smoothed her petticoats. "Well, husband," said she, "now that I am the wife of a great nobleman, I suppose I must visit the court with you and learn to say hello to the king!" So next morning, after a night in which a number of other lengthy and delightful introductions were made, Kitty asked her new husband whether they might set off for court that very day.
"I will be happy to take you, my dear," said the nobleman, "after we are well and truly married by the priest. But I must warn you that the king is old and deaf and nearly blind. His assets may be substantial, but he is far from generous with them. Nor is his family so long-lived as mine. Your donkey and the horse are well settled in my stables, and I have grown quite fond of Pussy and the dog. I think you should remain with me, my dear. I have many other introductions I wish to perform."
"Isn't it odd how things turn out?" Kitty said. "I always knew I must marry but found no young man in our neighborhood to my taste. And yet my mother quickly got a new husband to help her grind her corn. I have learned that when a woman has assets, or knows how to acquire them, she need not look far to find someone appreciative. And indeed, husband, all the introductions you have made so far have impressed me deeply."
And so Kitty and her nobleman lived happily ever after, even when the old king died and was succeeded by his handsome young nephew, who not only possessed vigour, artistry and substantial assets, but was rumoured to please ladies greatly with the quickness of his tongue.
(c) Anne Neumann, 2014
Anne Waldron Neumann earned a Ph.D. in English with a dissertation on Jane Austen and has taught at universities in America and Australia. She currently lives in Princeton, New Jersey, and teaches creative writing to adults. She has published a dozen literary folktales and adores telling dirty jokes.
Miranda Harrison: Actor and voiceover artist. Recent theatre includes Romeo and Juliet (Nurse; Leicester Square Theatre). New writing roles include In A Moment (Karen; ADC Theatre); Autumn Leaves (Julie; Barons Court); three roles for experimental company Le Nouveau Guignol; and numerous rehearsed readings. Voiceover clients include BBC Children in Need and educational audio publishers.
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