Best out of 20 by Simon Barker

Best out of 20 MP3

Read by Nicky Diss

Trial 1.

First she had to get a boy. But it was difficult because there were no boys at school. There weren’t even any male teachers. There were a couple of gardeners, but how was she going to get a gardener when there were a thousand other girls and a lot of them more attractive and not suffering from the horrible handicap of being such a smarty-pants?

 

The other places where you found boys, such as on the school bus or the train, weren't any use because she lived next door to the school. How could her parents do that? She didn't even have brothers. How could her parents do that? On the very rare occasions she went to her friends’ parties and there were boys because her friends, oh so conveniently for them, had actual brothers who were not girls what did it help? You couldn’t get to know boys at parties when there weren't any at school or at home or anywhere else for you to practise on first. You just didn't know what to say.

Error: Parents.

Trial 2.

Maybe she could make do in the meantime, so as not to be completely ignorant, with one of the other girls. A teenage crush sort of thing. Such as on her friend Elspeth who was a positive boy magnet, which you could see why from the boys’ perspective. That might be a temporary substitute. And, let's face it, there were certain risks that went way down when the other person was of the same gender. There couldn't be any harm in trying. Could there? But, no, no. Elspeth would not be a party to this because Elspeth could only love someone through Jesus. Oh please. At least her answer
could have been, piss off. Was there any need for ridicule? Love someone through Jesus. For God’s sake.

Error: Jesus.


Trial 3.

What about maths? Yeah. If she put her mind to it, it would be a cinch getting into maths camp and maths camp was known to be infested with boys. Of course they were boys who belonged at only one end of the bell curve. But, mathematically speaking, they were still boys. They had digits. Unfortunately, no sense of proportion.

Hello, my name is Vladimir. I have an IQ of 150. Let's do it.

What? Right now? At maths camp? But did he have the necessary precautionary items?

No, he’d assumed that she would have the necessary precautionary items.

How would she have the necessary precautionary items? She lived next door to a girls’ school. Her family doctor was Presbyterian. Did Vladimir expect her to take chances? Surely he understood probability better than that.

Error: Maths


Trial 4.

At college the campus doctor was not Presbyterian and the distribution of males vs. females was statistically less wacko. Also there happened to be this guy in his final year whose girlfriend had just conveniently departed, leaving a vacant slot into which someone else could be inserted.

What could go wrong now? Surely nothing. Nothing at all could go wrong, could it? But that also happened to be what she experienced. Nothing.

What? How could she have felt nothing?

Well, if you disregarded pain. The pain she felt. But the other thing? Nothing. It was her first time, though.

Yeah, right, her first time. Sure.

Error: Nothing.


Trial 4.2.

After a week, though, still nothing. How could it be still nothing? It hadn’t been like that with this final year student’s previous girlfriend. With his previous girlfriend it had been multiple and simultaneous.

Oh, how nice for his previous girlfriend.

Yes, it had been nice, thank you very much.

Maybe his previous girlfriend had been different. Maybe they should try something else.

Something else like what?

Something else like this.

But this didn’t feel right for him.

This didn’t feel right for him?

No he couldn’t feel anything.

Couldn’t feel anything! The poor baby.

Well, with his previous girlfriend it had been fine the other way. With his previous girlfriend it had been multiple and simultaneous. So there.

Error 4.2:

Previous girlfriends. Multiple simultaneous whatevers … equations.


Trial 5:

Surely it wasn’t that hard? What they had here was just a formula with two terms, one a constant, one a variable, which so far kept spitting out a result of zero. The sensible approach would be to substitute for that variable. Meaning, insert in place of boyfriend X another boyfriend, Y, of unknown but differing quantity. And the best opportunity for doing this would be while boyfriend X was at a conference out of town and she and boyfriend Y were on mid-term break and preferably relaxing in the countryside—open fields, flowers, haystacks, sunsets. 100% romantic.

So. Let's see what happens. Ooops. That was actually less than nothing.

But never mind. These things can happen. Nerves. Just take it easy.

Ooops.

Was it something she was doing? No? Oh, well.

Ooops. Damn. Not again. There appeared to be some sort of pattern emerging.

Perhaps they’d better try it this other way?

What, why this other way? He couldn’t feel anything this other way.

Yes, exactly. That’s precisely why they were trying it this other way.

But then what was the point of this other way?

The point was that….

Yes, the point was what?

Was that…

Was what?

Was….

Yes, the point was?

Was…oh, shhhhh.

But what was the point?

SHHHHH!

But…?

The…oh, yes…yes, yes, gasp, YES! YES!!!!!

Oh, she actually thought she loved him, this boyfriend Y.

For about five minutes. Or possibly ten. Until she realised she actually couldn’t stand him.

Which for a start was because he was so utterly pathetic! Why did he need to be allergic to haystacks? Not to mention getting lost a hundred times. Did he not know how to read a map? That line that was staring him in the face there, that was the road. And they couldn’t be there. Because there happened to be a lake. And for god’s sake, what now? Oh, that. That was just a spider. The only reason it was trying to bite him was that he was acting so pathetic. And stopping all the time. Because he claimed that he was tired. And what did he mean he couldn’t go while she was looking. His pathetic bladder felt shy? What it was attached to wasn’t shy. And for Christ’s sake couldn’t he even light a camp fire? And just shut up while they were doing it! Actually just shut up the rest of the time too.

Error 5. Unknown quantities.


Trials 6 to 20.

No. No. No, not possible. No. No. No. Ewww! No. Nope. No. Creep! Nooooo. Forget it.

No — actually, wait a minute,  maybe that was hasty, maybe they should have another try. Hmmm.

Well. Possibly. But first before they proceeded any further there were things they needed to get straight. To begin with there were allergies.

Allergies? He wasn’t aware of any allergies. Certainly not to haystacks.

Great. Then how about spiders? What was his attitude towards such things?

Spiders were fine, he could take or leave them.

Okay, then, shyness?

Some, but not unduly focused on any specific organ.

His campfire skills?

Of boy scout standard. Oh, and by the way, in case she wanted to know this, he could read a map.

Oh, could he just? And how about when heading south?

When heading south he’d turn it upside down.

Did he mean like this perhaps?

Why, yes, he did mean like that.

And he was okay with that?

Sure, he was okay.

It didn’t feel wrong from his perspective?

No, it didn’t. It felt a little funny.

Did he mean funny-ha-ha or did he mean funny-I-want-to-stop.

He meant…

Wait. It was already apparent that he didn’t need to answer that question.

(c) Simon Barker, 2015

Simon Barker is an Australian who lives in Sydney.

Nicky Diss trained at The Bridge TTC. Credits include: The Railway Children (Image Musical Theatre); Two (Dispense Theatre); Arthur of Camelot (Place Theatre, Bedford); Romeo and Juliet (Ashcroft Theatre); Caucasian Chalk Circle (The Space); A Midsummer Night's Dream, Sense and Sensibility, A Christmas Carol and Cranford at Christmas (Chapterhouse Theatre Company).