Liars' League

Samurai Sam by Gotham Mamik

Samurai Sam MP3

Read by Kevin Shen

I find myself in someplace scary: a living room. It’s nothing like the sparse-save-for-spiderwebs tatami mat cottages I’ve squatted in my whole life — it’s nicer, but nowhere as grand as the Emperor’s Palace I once frequented … no longer do.

I feel my kimono on me; gentle, like a shy woman’s embrace … I miss my iron armour. I swerve my right hand to my left side: I still have my sword. I draw it, scan the opaque room for danger: an ugly sofa with a stain that actually adds character, a mantel with smiling foreign faces, two slices of pizza, a can of soda and four fallen bottles of beer float in their own puddle on a mahogany coffee table, and beyond that, against the wall, boxes with flickering lights, and above those … a portrait of … me … on the TV.

 

Tarts Aren't Gentlemen by Alan Graham

Tarts Aren't Gentlemen MP3

Read by Helen Belbin

At the stroke of midday, Madame Florizel burst into my bedroom and demanded I sneer at a dildo.

“Help yourself,” I mumbled pitifully from under the duvet, sliding a hand out to gesture feebly towards my wardrobe. The previous evening I had attended my friend Binky deWinter’s media launch party and the usual combination of alcohol, chemicals and generous expense accounts had left me feeling somewhat frazzled.

 

Work Out by Rhuar Dean

Work Out MP3

Read by Alex Woodhall

Let me tell you something about me. I'm knockout. 100% pure man. I bone for fun. I mean, I don’t have to work for it. If I told you I used to work at a gym, you might not be surprised. But it wasn't just any gym; it was exclusive. A place where they hired the best instructors.

 

Footstool by Sunny Teich

Footstool MP3

Read by Beverley Longhurst

The flat came furnished with the bare essentials and the sofa was hardly even that. It was short and firm and sat in the corner. It took up only a small portion of the wall, leaving the rest exposed – an ocean of white, apart from squares of pale darkness where pictures must have hung before. There was a flimsy layer of padding covering the sofa and as one began to sit down, the illusion of softness would immediately give way to stiff rejection, a refusal to bend.

 

 

Ventriloquism for Dummies by Jonathan Pinnock

Ventriloquism for Dummies MP3

Read by Tony Bell

I wasn’t Arthur Wilton’s first partner. That honour belonged to a chimpanzee called Jethro. But Arthur’s relationship with Jethro had ended before I came on the scene. I wasn’t aware of the details – all I knew was there had been some unpleasantness, ending with Jethro being burnt to death. The only hint I ever got of what had happened was much later on, when young Darren picked me up and started playing with me. Arthur snatched me out of Darren’s hands, yelling at him that he should never, ever mess with that thing (he called me that thing!) until he’d had some proper training. It was all too easy for them to get inside your head.

 

Slave to the Bottle by Lisa Stout

Slave to the Bottle MP3

Read by Susan Moisan

I have served many masters over the centuries. Each encounter began the same, with a touch against the golden surface of my prison. It was that shiver of contact that awakened me from the sleep of my captivity. This time was no different. I flickered into being, resisting the urge to pop from my vessel like the cork from champagne. There would only be one chance to make that first impression. So instead I rose like vapour from the ancient bottle. Freedom!

 

CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS: Parent & Child June event, deadline Sun 31 May

CALL FOR STORIES

SPECIAL EVENT: PARENT & CHILD

Deadline Sunday 31 May / Event Tue 23 June

Liars' League London AND Liars' League Leeds seek stories themed on PARENT & CHILD for a special simultaneous charity event on Tuesday June 23 at The Peckham Pelican (London) and the Crowd of Favours (Leeds) in aid of The CATS Foundation, which is a charity funding research into the devastating genetic childhood diseases Tay-Sachs & Sandhoff.

We need five brilliant stories for this special theme, and as ever our winning writers will be rewarded with free entry, books and booze. Cheerful tales welcome (but not obligatory) and stories don't have to be child-friendly, especially since the events are taking place in a pub ... However we do ask that you don't submit stories about child abuse or dead/dying kids please (we know how your morbid writer minds work!)

What we'd love to see is any creative interpretation of the theme, which could include adult children, adopted or foster families, people who want kids, people who don't, same-sex parents, kids rebelling against parents, parents rebelling against children, babysitters, divorced or one-parent families, unusual families (communes, kids raising siblings), substitute children, metaphorical or allegorical takes on the theme, sci-fi, fantasy, magical realism, humour, horror ... you get the picture. 

Send your 800-2000 word unpublished stories to [email protected] by 11.59pm on Sun 31 May, and good luck!

Master & Servant line-up for Tuesday 12th May

The interviews have been conducted, the references checked and the uniforms ordered: Liars' League is pleased to announced that the domestic staff for our Master & Servant event on Tuesday 12th May* are as follows:

Sunny Teich, author of FOOTSTOOL *LL debut* - read by Beverley Longhurst
Gotham Mamik, author of SAMURAI SAM *LL debut* - read by Kevin Shen (in his LL acting debut)
Rhuar Dean, author of WORK OUT *LL debut* - read by Alex Woodhall
Lisa Stout, author of SLAVE TO THE BOTTLE - read by Susan Moisan
Jonathan Pinnock, author of VENTRILOQUISM FOR DUMMIES - read by Tony Bell
Alan Graham, author of TARTS AREN'T GENTLEMEN - read by Helen Belbin (in her LL acting debut)

*Above is a link to the Facebook event. Please do click and join if you plan on coming, as Facebook no longer automatically sends invites to our 800-strong group, which makes it very hard to anticipate numbers :/

These hardworking writers have impressed us with tales of human furniture, sadistic gym instructors, ruthless politicians (how apt!) sentient puppets, TV samurai, vengeful genies and, naturally, a lesbian take on Jeeves & Wooster. You'd have to be locked in the scullery at Downton to miss it!

As ever, doors open at 7 for a 7.30 start and tickets (cash on the door only) are a mere £5. Turn up earlyish to get a good seat and make sure you shout loudly to win FREE BOOKS in our infamous interval quiz! Tables for parties of 5 or more can be reserved by calling 07808 939535 and asking nicely.

The venue is downstairs at:
The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square 
London 
W1G 0PP

(The Phoenix is 5 minutes' walk from Oxford Circus tube station, which is on the Victoria, Bakerloo and Central lines)

Map here - inspirational(?) image, courtesy of the internet fairy, below: