Liars' League

The Baggage Handlers by Jim Cogan

The Baggage Handlers MP3

Read by Ray Newe

To reach me in my drunken slumber, Chisel’s cries for help had to cut their way through a beautiful dream I’d been having.

A dream, funnily enough, about Chisel in trouble.

He might have been drowning. Or dangling from a cliff-edge over croc-infested waters. Or dragged by his Chelsea scarf into the jaws of an industrial wood-chipper. Whatever the details, I had a hard time convincing myself to wake up and help him.

 

Key Party by Sarah McAllister

Key Party MP3

Read by Louisa Gummer

On Monday Ez took them to the soft opening of a bar next to a public urinal in Dalston. Inevitably, post-ironically, perhaps even amusingly, it was called Pissed.

“Toilet bars are so over,” Ez explained to Amba over his Pissed Whisky Mist, in which floated novelty icecubes the colour and shape of urinal-cakes. “There's one in Chelsea for fuck's sake.” At Pissed, you could watch through mirrored, soundproof glass as the patrons of the next-door pissoir, blithely unaware of having an audience, got their cocks out and put them to the purpose God intended. Maisie and her sort-of semi-boyfriend Franky thought it was hilarious and instantly started live-tweeting it: #LOL #mentalMonday and #penis.

 

Lightfingers Morgan by Charles Whitting

Lightfingers Morgan MP3

Read by Will Goodhand

“Open the damned door so we can get out of here,” growled Carter, his knuckles white around the haft of his hatchet.

Morgan's pick skittered in the lock as he flinched at the sailor’s voice. Its normal undertones that constantly threatened ferocious physical violence were now laced with genuine terror, the kind that made men do foolish things. Morgan could quite understand, of course. He was absolutely terrified himself.

 

The Consular Agent by Phil Berry

The Consular Agent MP3

Read by Andrew Baguley

He was as young as you’d fear, the consular agent. But he was my main hope, and I hid my disgust. I got in first:

“Before you start, I didn’t do whatever they say I did.”

“What do you think they are saying you did?”

Cheeky. I began to like him. “I have no idea. I’m at a total loss.” I replied.

“You don’t look very worried.”

“I’m not. Because I’m innocent.”

“Of what?”

 

 

Lock & Key, Tuesday 8th September!

The bars clang, the padlock clunks, and the dripping cell-door slooowly creaks wide to release the winning stories for our Lock & Key event. (PLEASE CLICK TO JOIN FACEBOOK EVENT SO WE HAVE AN IDEA OF NUMBERS!)

 

LOCK & KEY STORIES

Lightfingers Morgan by Charles Whitting *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Will Goodhand
Key Party by Sarah McAllister *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Louisa Gummer
The Fantastic Fritz by Nigel Robinson, read by Greg Page
The Consular Agent by Phil Berry, read by Andrew Baguley
The Baggage Handlers by Jim Cogan, read by Ray Newe 

 

These cryptic tales feature escapologists, conquistadors, thieves, stag-do reunions, hipster sex parties and all manner of other disreputability - no wonder they've been put away for the greater good. Join us at The Phoenix (details below) for a special one-day parole on Tuesday 8th September and help our repentant authors pay their debt to society! There will also be the usual infamous book quiz, on-theme sweeties, and food & booze available at the canteen. 

As always, doors open at 7pm and lock-up begins at 7.30. Entrance is £5 on the door (cash only) and tables for 4 or more can be reserved by calling 07808 939535.

The venue is downstairs at:
The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square 
London 
W1G 0PP

(The Phoenix is five minutes from Oxford Circus tube station, which is on the Victoria, Bakerloo & Central lines). Map here.