Portrait of the Artist as a Young Pig MP3
Read by Nicky Diss
Ruby had set herself two targets for her second term at University – the first was to get herself a starring role in a play, and the second was to get herself a boyfriend. The mistake she made was trying to do them both together.
Ruby, who had fancied Ollie from the moment she saw him on her first day at Bristol, greeted the news with a wide-eyed smile.
“Really?” she said, “what it’s about?”
“It’s a satire.”
“Oh yes? A satire of what?”
“Of all kinds of things. Of extremism. Of indoctrination.”
“What’s it called?”
“It’s called ‘Animal Harm’.” Ollie paused as if the title itself made further explanation unnecessary.
“I see,” said Ruby, “as in Animal Farm?”
Ollie nodded. “There’s an obvious Orwellian allusion, yes.”
“And is it about…er…animals?”
“On one level, yes, but at the level that matters it’s about a girl who becomes indoctrinated and brainwashed into a set of beliefs.”
“Beliefs about…er…animals?”
“On one level, yes, but the animal stuff is a metaphor.”
“So it’s really about…?”
“Fundamentalism. Religion. That’s the ‘harm’ in the title.”
“I see,” said Ruby, lying again.
“This young girl,” said Ollie, “is immersed in a strange set of beliefs. And the beliefs in question are an extreme version of animal rights. This man is an extreme activist. He doesn’t just believe animals have rights, he believes they are actually superior to humans. He believes that anyone who doesn’t believe this is an enemy that needs to be punished. More than punished. Killed.”
“Sounds fascinating,” said Ruby, wondering whether she had drunk so much she’d started to hallucinate.
“And what he does is radicalise this girl. She had some idea of animal rights before she met him but soon she is believing in it as some kind of cause, some kind of religion. She’s completely transformed, and her transformation is shown in a really interesting way. You see, what happens is she actually turns into an animal on stage.”
“Turns into an animal?”
“Yeah. It’s this really amazing moment when she has these strange convulsions and becomes a monkey.”
“A monkey!”
“Yeah. How cool is that? And then guess what happens?”
Ruby thought it best not to take up the invitation and just sat open-mouthed with anticipation.
“This monkey, this animal, is so devoted to …to animalism that it’s prepared to sacrifice itself for the cause.”
“Sacrifice itself? You mean -”
“Suicide bombing. The monkey becomes a suicide bomber. The play ends with the monkey exiting with a bomb in its backpack going off to destroy a fur-shop.”
“Wow!”
“Exactly! Wow!”
“So it’s a satire of… of -”
“Well, everyone will think it’s all to do with Islam, but in fact it’s much cleverer than that.”
“Of course it is!”
“It’s about any set of extreme fundamentalist beliefs, and about radicalisation. In this case it’s animal radicalisation - animalisation, if you like - but it stands for all kinds.”
“Wow!” said Ruby, “I’d love to read it.”
“I’d love you to,” said Ollie,” I’d value your opinion.”
When Ruby read ‘Animal Harm’ she realised that telling Ollie what she thought of it would do little to move their relationship in the direction she wanted it to go. The play was truly dreadful.
“I think it’s interesting,” is what she said when it came to delivering the verdict.
“Interesting?” said Ollie. “Is that good or bad?”
“Interesting is good. It’s definitely good. And it’s powerful. Powerful and provocative.”
“And the metaphor, the message. You think people will get it?”
“Oh yes,” said Ruby. “I think people will get it.”
“That’s great,” said Ollie, “because I am definitely putting it on. And I have a favour to ask you.”
Ruby held her breath. “Yes?”
“I’d like you to play the girl, to play opposite me.”
Ruby’s heart jumped. Could she possibly do this? Could she perform in this totally shit play? Could she really turn herself into a monkey in front of an audience? Did she like Ollie enough to put herself through this? Would playing opposite him, being involved with him so closely for so many weeks somehow compensate for the critical mauling the play would inevitably receive?
Ruby looked into Ollie’s eyes and smiled.
“I’d love to do it,” she said.
The first night of ‘Animal Harm’ did not go well. It may have been nerves. It may have been Ruby’s and Ollie’s performances. It may have been the unreceptive (and very sparse) audience. Or – and this was the conclusion Ruby could not avoid – it may have been because the play was crap. It was all talk and no action. The man sat opposite the girl telling her, at great length and in great detail, exactly why animals were superior to humans. One scene, ludicrously, consisted of nothing other than the chanting of the Orwellian mantra ‘four legs good, two legs bad’ repeated in different tones and at different volumes for well over five minutes. The one moment in which significant action did happen on stage was when Ruby’s character metamorphosed from girl to monkey but the idea was so ridiculous and the low-rent monkey costume so unconvincing that Ruby wasn’t sure the audience understood exactly what was supposed to have happened.
Ruby was already looking forward to when the whole thing would be over.
As for Ollie, if his confidence had been dented by the first night’s low attendance and lukewarm reception, he hid it well.
“That’s the problem with satire,” he said, “you either get it or you don’t.” That the first-night audience had clearly fallen into the latter category was, he bravely insisted, their fault rather than anything to do with his writing.
‘Tomorrow will be different,’ he said to Ruby and the surprise was that he turned out to be right.
On the second night the hall was two-thirds full and, whereas the first night had been characterised by uneasy silence, this one produced different noises altogether. Ruby thought she could hear hissing and tutting and at the play’s end the smattering of polite applause was drowned out by loud boos.
‘What was all that about?’ said Ruby as they stepped backstage. ‘Why are they booing?’
‘I think,’ said Ollie, ‘that some of them out there are beginning to get it. Did you look at the ones who were booing?’
“What do you mean?
Ruby had been so worried about remembering her lines about vivisection and animal experimentation, so anxious to make her transformation into a monkey convincing, that it never occurred to her to look at those who were making her feel so uncomfortable.
“What about them?’ she said.
‘They looked like they all might share a particular set of beliefs.’
The third night proved Ollie’s suspicions correct. The hall was full and the booing at the end was even louder.
‘Are we safe?’ she said to Ollie after the show. ‘I mean that was really awful. What’s going to happen tomorrow?’
Ruby couldn’t sleep that night and she entered the final performance of ‘Animal Harm’ in a state of high anxiety. Her fears proved well-founded. Just as Ollie was in the middle of a lecture about endangered species and the horrors of the abattoir Ruby sensed something happening in the audience. There were ripples and murmurs, and when Ruby dared to look out front she was shocked.
Was she imagining it or was there a pig sitting in the second row, or at least someone with a pig’s head? She turned back to look at Ollie but when she glanced towards the audience again she saw a cow sitting a few rows behind the pig. What was going on? Was the transformation which she herself would shortly simulate actually happening to members of the audience?
Ruby tried to concentrate on Ollie, who was now starting the ‘four legs good, two legs bad’ scene by repeating the words in a low chant reminiscent of transcendental meditation. Ruby joined in on cue, but as she did she was conscious of other voices saying the same words. Another glance to the audience confirmed that this was the case. It also confirmed that those who were speaking were now standing up. They were all wearing animal masks. And they were moving towards the stage.
Ruby looked in open-mouthed horror as a pig, a cow, a monkey, a dog, a sheep, a tiger and an elephant with a huge trunk came closer.
In a matter of seconds they had surrounded Ruby and Ollie and started a chant of their own.
“This play offends the animal rights movement!”
It was not a particularly catchy chant and it took the animals a few attempts before they hit a rhythm. But once they got going they increased the volume and showed no sign of stopping.
By the time they had hit on the punchier line “We stand up for Animal Rights!” Ruby and Ollie had fled the stage in fear of their safety.
‘Fucking hell!’ screamed Ollie as they hid backstage. ‘This is mental!’
‘Should we call the police?’
‘The police?’
‘They might do something! They might hurt us!’
‘We’ll be fine.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘It’s all OK. In fact, it’s brilliant!’
‘What’s brilliant about it?’
‘It’s made a splash! It’s been noticed!’
‘It’s fucking scary.’
‘But think of the publicity!’
Ruby looked at Ollie. Was he being serious?
‘Ollie?’
‘Yes.’
‘Are you really pleased about what’s happened?’
‘Of course I am.’
‘But - ’
‘Can’t you see, Ruby?’
‘What I see is that you have managed to put me in this fucking ridiculous position by getting me to be in your play.’
‘I didn’t force you. You wanted to.’
‘And because I’ve been in this unbelievably crap play -’ the words were out before Ruby could stop them.
‘What do you mean – unbelievably crap?’
Ruby paused, trying to stop herself saying what she really felt. She lost the struggle.
‘Well, it’s not actually very good, is it?’
‘What do you mean?’
She couldn’t stop herself now. It all poured out. ‘The whole idea is just, I don’t know, a bit silly. I mean once you’ve got the idea that it’s a metaphor, that it’s satirical, it just gets really silly.’
‘Silly? You think my play is silly?’
“As soon as I read it, I thought ‘I shouldn’t do this – I shouldn’t go anywhere near it’”
“Oh yeah? So why did you then?”
“Because - because I really like you.”
“You like me, but you don’t like my play?”
In the silence that followed they heard the chants of ‘Four legs good, two legs bad’ coming from the masked protesters.
“I’m sorry you feel that way about me,” said Ollie.
“It’s not about you – it’s about the play!”
“Whatever. But I’ll tell you one thing –there are plenty of people out there who think differently, who think differently about the play and who think differently about me. And do you know what? Right now I’d much rather be with them than here with – with you!”
Ollie walked off. Ruby called after him but he didn’t hear and she stood by herself backstage, looking at the monkey costume she held in her hand and the suicide bomb rucksack lying on the floor.
Next term she would set herself more sensible targets.
(c) Bernard O'Keeffe, 2016
Bernard O’Keeffe studied English at Oxford and teaches at St Paul’s School. He has been an editor of The English Review, has reviewed for The Literary Review and The Oxford Times, and published his first novel, No Regrets, in 2013.
Nicky Diss is a co-founder of Open Book Theatre who perform free theatrical adaptations of classic literature in London's libraries (openbooktheatrecompany.com). She is also a co-founder and the Artistic Director of Thick as Thieves Theatre Company (thickasthievestheatre.com) who tour four-handed Shakespeare productions to regional theatres and rural touring schemes.
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