I'm walking behind you - walking, stumbling - trying to fix my eyes on the triangle of sweat that clamps your t-shirt to your back. Now I'm cursing your khaki camouflage as you slip in and out of my vision, swallowed up by a tangle of lianas, palms and ferns.
"Hurry up!" you shout, without looking back, "it's getting dark already."
I'm going as fast as I can, hacking at the mass of vegetation that clings to my legs. You're doing the hard work - clearing the path ahead, slashing a way through the woody vines - but whatever your machete hits seems to spring back behind you with renewed vigour.
"We'll be okay," I say, "as long as we follow the river."
But you're too far ahead already, my words lost to the forest.
The glimpses of your back - and your sweat-matted hair - are fewer now. Then none.
I follow the trail of severed vines, but it's getting hard to see in the dimming light. I reach for my rucksack, praying that I packed my torch, though I never expected to need it. I find insect repellent, camera, snacks, water, notepad, maps. No torch.
On her breath I smelled alcohol and lust—which are really the same smell. She was American, and therefore she was the kind of girl who believed that all Europeans are French and all moustaches are irrefutable proof of a man's sexual prowess. Mnemosyne was young enough to be my daughter, and yet wise beyond her years—behind every adolescent fantasy there is an element of truth, no?
My name is Alan Stone and I’m applying to be a regular columnist. I love your magazine, especially the stories where the groom runs off with the bride’s sister. I’m always like, LOL!
Passing under the redbrick arches of Tidemarsh University, it is impossible to ignore the famous architecture that styles its buildings to resemble the subjects studied within the respective departments. The Institute of Zoology is a rabbit, the School of English is a stack of books, and the Film & Media Department is a camera (its windows call to mind the frames of a reel). The fresher’s eye eagerly devours every edge and corner of the place; even the jaded doctoral student will admit to its ingenuity and undeniable charm.
What kind of a name was Meredith, anyway? Meredith. You couldn’t be a famous painter with a name like that, could you? Meredith Walker. He shook his head a little. He wondered why he was here. Her little front garden was full of what his father would no doubt call crap, but which Meredith called Art. Michael was still undecided, but he knew why he was here: he had to say goodbye. But of course it wasn’t goodbye. He’d still be coming home for things like Christmas and holidays and things like that. Right? Right.
Although the Caribbean Sea was calm, I still managed to spend most of my journey to the Island lying sick on the floor of my cabin. All thanks to fear and nervous excitement. I still couldn’t quite believe that someone like me, who never won anything, had triumphed in the most important competition I had ever entered.
I’d lost friends since winning, obviously. Other bitter members of the fan club couldn’t quite accept that I was the one worthy enough to travel half-way round the world and conduct an interview with the great man himself – Kevin “Quickfingers” Smoothby. Guitarist with the band Galadriel Overdrive. Only the greatest, most mind-expanding and musically proficient progressive rock band ever to record a track capturing the history of the steam engine via the medium of a fifteen-minute guitar solo.
The city’s emergency response unit has threatened to sue if Billy dials 911 again. No more calls about terrorists, no more calls about secret missions for the CIA. I love him so madly, I let my mother die alone after a long rain. Billy and I lost all but one photograph of her. On the back, she wrote her last words: Please, son, don’t make my mistake. Don’t ruin your life over a man. When Billy kisses me, I forget myself. He wants to visit the drive-in across town, and only a closed vehicle can convince Billy to indulge a crowd. They might scan my brain, he says.
As part of The National Gallery’s celebrated Friday Lates, we ran our first ever short story competition for unpublished short stories of 1000-2000 words inspired by paintings or galleries - and boy were we impressed by the response! We had 88 submissions, and after much wrangling and debate, chose the five winners listed below. Heartfelt congratulations to these successful authors, and thanks to everyone who entered - the standard was extremely high and many of the stories really excellent.
The five winning stories will be read live by our professional actors in the elegant Room 61 of the National Gallery on the evening of their summertime Friday Late, which is themed around Inspiration. The event will take place from 6 to 9pm on Friday 22nd July 2016. It's FREE and we encourage you to come along, admire the artwork, and of course listen to the stories! The winners will be published online after the event as text, podcast and HD video.
NATIONAL GALLERY COMPETITION: WINNING STORIES
(and performance times on 22 July)
6.15pm - Authenticity and the Madonna by Ingrid Jendrzejewski, read by Sarah Feathers
We were so impressed by the standard of work that we would also like to congratulate those who made the shortlist below, some of which we have singled out as Highly Commended (and some more of which we would love to consider for future events ... we'll email authors individually.)
NATIONAL GALLERY COMPETITION: SHORTLIST
Man on a Ladder by Caroline Greene *HIGHLY COMMENDED* Olive at the Gallery by Sadie Nott *HIGHLY COMMENDED* Pruinescence by Claire Lawrence *HIGHLY COMMENDED* Sid & Henry James by Jeremy Galgut *HIGHLY COMMENDED* They Were the Only Ones Dancing by Emily Bullock *HIGHLY COMMENDED*
Michaela, No Saint, Triumphs over the Devil by Barney Walsh Repetitions by Arike Oke The Beginning of Wisdom by Raymond Walker The Last Man on Earth by Anstey Spraggan The Morning Walk by Emily Longmore
Bonus fun facts:
- The two most popular paintings on which to base a story were Turner's The Fighting Temeraire and Gainsborough's Mr & Mrs Andrews, both of which had three stories written about them.
The highly discerning Arachne Press, run by Director Cherry Potts, has brought together some of the best stories performed at the League over the last few years into four (so far) print anthologies:
London Lies (stories from the capital, see below)
Lovers' Lies (tales of love & sex, see below)
the award-winning sci-fi/fantasy/horror/WTF? Weird Lies
and most recently We/She (stories by women) - the latter two featuring work by LL alum and award-winning SF author Peng Shepherd.
They've also published Five by Five (five stories by five Arachne authors) and Stations, a book of stories themed around the London Overground line featuring many Liars' League authors, of which Londonist said: "Very funny ... a surprising amount of emotional depth ... bittersweet and yearning, particularly the further down the line we go. Sadness shot through with flashes of beauty: we’ll never look at Penge West the same way again."
There’s something about Liars’ League that brings out the wildness in the writers’ imaginations. Here we explore myth, fantasy, science fiction, and the indefinable what the– that makes up Weird. In true Liars’ League fashion there is as much humour as there is darkness and poignancy.
More than twenty tales, varying in style from stories not out of place in One Thousand and One Nights, to the completely bemusing. Discover mirrors that predict the immediate future and museums where your personal future life is exhibited in the kind of ephemeral objects that might normally find their way into a dustbin. Meet tadpoles, lazy assassins, and assiduous poisoners; observe deals with the devil, and workplace stress taken to its logical conclusion. Heroes, villains, and animals – anything and anyone could provide the twist in the tale – cursed travellers, persistent dreamers, aliens, robots and even ice might be the object, or source, of love.
"This collection of weird, funny, sad, moving stories is a mini galaxy of treats and a thoroughly Ace read." - Sophie Aldred (Doctor Who companion, Ace)
Enter the world of stranger than strange for £9.99 (inc. UK P&P) here, or peruse some sample peculiarities below...
The Last Words of Emanuel Prettyjohn by Jonathan Pinnock
Read by Tony Bell and Lin Sagovsky
Those swine wrecked my life. Before I joined them, I had a job. I had a wife. I had access to my kids. More than that, I had self-respect. But a year with them and I was a raving nutter, reduced to living on the streets. You would not believe some of the things I saw. And that Silent Gabriel, he should be strung up for some of the things he done. Just ask him how much he’s making out of this, next time you see him. But you won’t get an answer. I guarantee you that.
The Elephant in the Tower by David McGrath
Read by Ed Cooper Clarke
The lover of Louis XI, King of France, is taken from his luxurious apartments in Poissy and thrown into the Tower of London ... Except that he hasn't been taken, he's been given away to King Henry III. Also, he's an elephant.
This sexy little volume contains 22 tales of love, lust and loss and is the perfect gift if you forgot Valentine's Day, or indeed for anyone you love. You can buy it for £9.99 (inc. UK P&P) here.
"This book is designed expressly for romantic cynics and cynical romantics. Be careful who catches you reading it – your intentions might be misinterpreted. Explore role-play gone wrong, goldfish that eat loneliness, and a very literal leap into the unknown.
Old love, cold love, true love, new love, dead love, we’re through love – making babies and making whoopee, disappointment and contentment, playing at home, playing away or just playing; missed chances and new romances: everything from first conversation to last breath, strange journeys and stranger destinations."
Interested? There are some tasters of the stories below ...
A TIME AND PLACE UNKNOWN by Jason Jackson
Read by Cliff Chapman
She was naked, standing on the flat metal plate in her tiny apartment, and all I could see were her eyes. Caitlin. My closed, dead past. Resurrected, and about to disappear again, forever.
It started with a phone call, like always. My number’s in the freesheets, amongst the whores and the scams. I didn’t recognise the voice as I jotted down her address. She still wasn’t sure, she said. Could I come around tomorrow anyway, talk things through?
Of course, I said. No problem. It wasn’t like I could pick and choose.
HOW TO SURVIVE THE OLYMPICS WiTH A BROKEN HEART by Rosalind Stopps
Read by Nicky Diss
Buy a box of man-size tissues, the softest ones you can get to stop your nose from getting sore.
Make a wall chart, a huge one detailing every heat of every event of the Games, complete with tiny flags. Take special care to cover up all the photos of happier times stuck up there like blu-tacked evidence.
Exhibit A - a picture of you and Charles on Brighton beach last summer, licking ice creams in an ironic, postmodern way.
THIS ISN'T HEAT by Richard Smyth
Read by Silas Hawkins
Outside, a tonne of air sits on Manhattan like a squatting golden Buddha. Inside, James Mercury searches for a friend in his Rolodex.
‘David – nope. Janice – no: how can I call her after last time? Louie Sweeney. Who the hell is Louie Sweeney? So no. Harry, Murray, Cathy – no, no, no.’
It seems that there are no friends to be found within James Mercury’s Rolodex.
Subtitled Urban Tales from Liars' League, this anthology features 23 superb stories set in London past, present and future, and retails at £9.99. You can hit up your local bookseller for a copy, or order it online right here. It was published on September 8th 2012 and there was a launch party (featuring West End star of "Matilda", Bertie Carvel) at the wonderful London Review of Books bookshop in Bloomsbury - where better?
Check out Arachne Press's events page for more free readings from the anthologies at various bookshops & libraries around London ... there's bound to be one near you.
Here's what Londonist had to say about London Lies: "... each [story] has a distinctive voice and a point to make. Perfect for reading in bite-sized chunks on the way around town." Read the rest of the review here.
Here's the sexy object itself:
Here's the blurb:
"From the mean streets of Hackney to sleepy South London suburbs, from boho Bloomsbury to City wine bars, London Lies is a tour of the capital as you’ve never seen it before. What happens when a girl on her way to work is propositioned by a frog? When a man breaks into London Zoo to fight a hippo? When nuclear bombs fall on a future London, when the rats rise up to rule us or – most terrifying of all – when Scrabble goes wrong?
Moving from 1930s Camden to a Royal Wedding riot, via football fights, office steeplechases and awkward dates in art galleries, London Lies is a bizarre, funny, moving and sometimes unnerving glimpse into the secret life of the city we all love and know … or do we?
And here's the full list of stories and authors: (and a couple of videos to whet your appetite)
O Happy Day ... by David Bausor - read by Rhik Samadder
Telling It Like It Is by James Smyth - read by Steve Wedd (WARNING: swearing!)
The Escape by Emily Cleaver - read by Elizabeth Bower (click the grey box below to hear the audio)
Bored at work? Long, quiet commute? Are you an audiophile desiring more Liars' League goodness? We've got the cure for what ails you: hundreds of great stories - some funny, some sad, some unnerving, some strange, & all recorded LIVE in front of a literature-loving London audience.
Whether you want to listen to the stories online or download them for later enjoyment, just find our episodes wherever you get your podcasts (Apple for example) or click below (should link to our latest episode): https://liarsleague.jellycast.com/podcast/feed/92 If you use Chrome, or want to browse past episodes, please find our most recent recordings linked directly below:
From these links you should be able to subscribe to the podcast, listen to the stories or download MP3s. If you can't (and it's not a Chrome-related problem) please tell us! Our email is [email protected] and we want your feedback ...
AUTOMATICALLY SUBSCRIBING WITH ITUNES
To have the Liars' League podcast delivered directly to your iTunes every time a new episode is uploaded simply click the button below. You will be rerouted to the Liars' League Podcast page where you can choose to subscribe.
Note: you must have iTunes installed on your computer or you will be taken to the iTunes download page. PLEASE EMAIL US ON [email protected] IF THIS DOES NOT WORK.
MANUALLY SUBSCRIBING WITH ITUNES
To subscribe to the podcast using iTunes and our hosting URL follow these instructions:
Copy the feed URL (https://liarsleague.jellycast.com/podcast/feed/92). Use the iTunes "Advanced" menu, select "Subscribe to Podcast" and paste the feed URL into the dialog box. Select "OK" and you will then be subscribed to the podcast. PLEASE EMAIL US IF THIS DOES NOT WORK.
SUBSCRIBING TO THE RSS FEED
If you want to download the new episodes directly to your computer you can subscribe to the RSS feed using the link featured above or get it here (https://liarsleague.jellycast.com/podcast/feed/92) to be notified when new episodes are released for your consumption.
SHARING THE PODCAST
Do you love us and want all of your friends to know? Want to show off that story you wrote or read?
EUREKA! The stories have been chosen for this month's event, GENIUS & MADNESS on Tuesday 12th July. We've got naked artists & obsessive scientists, Apple "geniuses" & prog-rock guitarists, crazy love & beautiful misfits: now all we need is you! (And you can tell us if you're coming by clicking on the link above for the Facebook event ...)
WINNING STORIES for GENIUS & MADNESS 1% Inspiration by Brigid Mahony *NEW AUTHOR* The Schoendecker Archive by Joel Blackledge *NEW AUTHOR* I Married a Lunatic by Thomas Kearnes *NEW AUTHOR* Last Night by Peter Higgins The Island of Kevin Quickfingers by Alan Graham
(We are also currently in negotiations regarding a mystery sixth piece, so watch this space ...)
As ever, doors open at 7pm for a 7.30 start and entry is £5 on the door. Tickets include a programme, sweets, and the chance to win FREE BOOKS in our justly infamous interval literary quiz. Seating is first come first served - so it's a good idea to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good table - but if you have a party of 5 or more you can reserve a table by calling 07808 939535.
The venue is downstairs at: The Phoenix 37 Cavendish Square London W1G 0PP
Many thanks for all your submissions for our National Gallery competition! We were overwhelmed by the response and really look forward to reading them all. We'll announce the winners in a couple of weeks' time, and of course our actors will be reading the five chosen stories at the Inspiration Late on Friday 22nd July.
However, if you didn't quite make the deadline (or even if you did, but you still have some writing juice left) we're still looking for short stories of 800-2000 words on aWork & Play theme for our August event, and the deadline is midnight on Sunday 3rd July.
Do you live to work, or work to live? Party hard or burn the candle at both ends? MPs, hookers, doctors, butchers, mechanics, lawyers, rare animal breeders, bounty hunters, psychics, party planners, hedonists, ravers, anarchists, flaneurs or children's entertainers - you name 'em, we want to read about 'em, whether it's 9-5 or after dark.
Email your stories to us at [email protected]by midnight, Sunday 3rd July.
If you have a question, acting CV, submission or offer for us, or even if you just want to give us some money or presents, you can get in touch with the League by emailing [email protected] (preferred) or by calling the LiePhone on 07808 939 535.
We are also on Twitter as @liarsleague, and we have a Facebook group too.
Thanks to our faithful fans' nominations we were shortlisted (along with four other eminent & excellent events) in the Best Regular Spoken Word Night category at the Saboteur Awards 2020! We didn't win (though congrats to poetry night Punk in Drublic, who did) but we certainly basked in the glory ...
INTERVIEW ON THE STATE OF THE ARTS
In celebration of our one hundredth event, the fine folks over at thestateofthearts.co.uk interviewed us about the secret of Liars' League's longevity, here.
BEST REGULAR SPOKEN WORD NIGHT AT SABOTEUR AWARDS
We got nominated, we canvassed, we voted, we hoped, we prayed. Then we went down to Oxford - along with our publishing partners Arachne Press - for the Saboteur Awards and came away with a gong each! We won Best Regular Spoken Word Night 2014 and Weird Lies won Best Anthology.
LL IN GUARDIAN TOP TEN
Liars' League is one of The Guardian's 10 Great Storytelling Nights, according to the paper's go-out-and-have-fun Do Something supplement, that is. And they should know. The article is here and mentions several other live lit events well worth checking out.
ARTICLE ABOUT US IN WORDSWITHJAM
Journalist Catriona Troth came along to our Twist & Turn night, reviewed it and interviewed Katy, Liam, Cliff and author/actor Carrie. See what she said in her article for WordsWithJam here.
BUY OUR AUTHORS' BOOKS!
Longtime contributors Niall Boyce, Jonathan Pinnock & Richard Smyth all have books out which you'd be well advised to buy, then read, then buy for others. All genres are catered for, from novels (Niall's Veronica Britton) and short stories (Jonathan's Dot Dash) to nonfiction (Richard's Bumfodder)
KATY LIAR'S DEBUT NOVEL
Liar Katy Darby's debut novel, a Victorian drama called The Unpierced Heart (previously titled The Whores' Asylum) is now out in Penguin paperback. It's had nice reviews in The Independent on Sunday, Sunday Times & Metro (4*).
OUR INTERVIEW WITH ANNEXE MAG!
They came, they saw, they asked us a bunch of interesting questions. Interview by Nick of Annexe Magazine with Katy of LL: here
Flambard Press Publishers of Courttia Newland's short story collection "A Book of Blues", from which we read Gone Away Boy in April 2011.
Granta A great magazine full of new writing by established and up-and-coming authors.
Literary Death Match Watch blood spill and saliva fly, as writers fight for the LDM crown by reading their work and performing ridiculous tasks.
Sabotage Reviews An excellent review site which highlights the best of indie literature - poetry, prose and spoken word. They gave us an award, doncherknow?
ShortStops A fantastically useful site run by author Tania Hershman which lists opportunities for short story writers, from magazines to prizes to live events.