Liars' League

Omee Palones and Heartfaces by Dane Buckley

Read by Peter Kenny - Listen to full podcast

I heard an almighty scream and the battle cry, ‘Oh my word!’ That was the first sign we had of our day centre’s impending doom. It was Cockney Doris who was screaming from her soft chair in the lounge, I recognised the sound. I’d been tidying the kitchen, belting out a Donna Summer song for my drag act, when I’d heard all the commotion. I ran to her side, as soon as I’d finished the second chorus.

Doris was, and still is, part Romani on her left-hand side, and has always had the gift for tea-leaf reading. Loose tea is a choking hazard and therefore banned in our day centre, but Cockney Doris still gave good premonition from a cup of Fybogel or any other non-hazardous lukewarm beverage. In the sandy, unstirred lumps of Ovaltine that congregated at the bottom of her beaker, she’d seen a man with a mono-brow and a clipboard closing the day centre down and selling the building.

Growing Up by Sarah Byrne

Read by Nicky Diss - Listen to full podcast

They both understand that the things they say to the cat are meant for each other.

Darling, sweetheart, love you. Things they'd never dream of saying to each other for real.

Thinking back, Kara can't quite remember how they came to have the cat. A cat doesn't exactly fit their image, their arty hipster London lifestyle; especially not an ordinary little shorthair moggy off the streets, tabby with white paws. The litter tray, they have to admit, kind of cramps the style of their trendy high-rise apartment.

But the cat had followed them home one evening last November after a late-night gig, and somehow they'd ended up keeping her. They were amused by the thought, maybe, the incongruity of it. Like, so random.

The Guide to Being a Dictator's Body Double by Cedrick Mendoza-Tolentino

Read by David Mildon - Listen to full podcast

1. Accept your fate. Accept that the series of unlikely events and occurrences that culminated in you did in fact happen and would in fact make a wonderful story, the kind that, over time, was thought of and shared as myth or legend. Accept that your story is the kind of story that people often hear and wonder what parts, however small, are actually true—the way that your parents’ DNA fit together in that particular configuration just so; the year and country of your birth; and of course, the unfortunate fact that you were playing in front of your parents’ home at the exact moment that a caravan of soldiers returning to the capital happened to pass by, and that one of the soldiers, having decided not to partake in the usual victory libations, took one look at you and instantly recognized the uncanny resemblance between you and the son of their country’s inspirational leader and father to all. All of this had to happen. Please, accept your fate—the sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to find peace, even if that peace comes while you pretend to be, and everyone believes you to be, someone else.
   

Actor by Pascal O'Hara

Read by Beverley Longhurst - Listen to full podcast

Acting is a hard gig [sighs, looks upwards]. I’m fast approaching 40, living in a flatshare [wipes forehead, raises eyebrows] and I can barely afford the rent. I’ve had some pretty good parts recently [nods head, pouts lips] and I thought I was getting somewhere [wry smile, raise one eyebrow, continues to nod head]…

Reads like a Beckett play, doesn’t it? But without any of the good writing. I don’t know if you know Beckett, but he didn’t leave much to the imagination of his actors… I’m sorry, I should just read this story out properly, this isn’t very professional of me. But then, how am I supposed to take this seriously?

Keeping a Promise by Gordon Williams

Read by Paul Clarke - Listen to full podcast

Thank God that’s over. I had to do it for Bonzo – I couldn’t let him down. A promise is a promise.

I might have been over the limit when I got up, so I went on the train instead of driving there. Everyone wants to see you when you’re home on leave; you can pretend that having a few drinks with them is a good idea. Then it’s drinking every night whether anyone wants to see you or not. It’s the only way you can sleep. You think you’ve got away from all that crazy stuff but it comes home with you.

I’d phoned Bonzo’s missus to tell her I’d be there about eleven. She was called Michelle. I got the bus into Manchester and the train from Piccadilly, through the old mill towns and over the Pennines. I tried to read the Mirror and thought about what I would say.

What You Could Have Won by Dan Coxon

Read by Patsy Prince - Listen to full podcast

The guidance system they used in the Apollo 11 moon landing only had 64 kilobytes of memory. I bet you didn’t know that, did you? That’s less than a modern electric toaster. We put men on the moon with a device that couldn’t even play Donkey Kong.

Here’s another one: which kiwi was named first, the fruit or the bird? No? Nothing? It was the bird – the fruit only got its name in the 1970s, when the New Zealand marketing board noticed its similarity to their avian resident. Before then, it was called the Chinese gooseberry.

I had that one on Quiz of the Decade. Won myself two grand and a holiday in Portugal. Not bad for a girl who dropped out of school at sixteen.

Liars' League Top Tens #10: Top Ten Collaborations

We've worked with a lot of excellent folk over the years, and you'll find some of our favourite collaborations listed here. Click below to be whisked to the videos and stories we read for and with them ...

BBC Radio 4:
In early 2015, three stories from Liars' Leagues in three cities (London, New York and Hong Kong) were recorded and broadcast on BBC Radio 4. They were Joshan Esfandiari Martin's The Wallet, Peng Shepherd's The Last Curse and Vito Racanelli's Do Days. Check them out by clicking this link. 

The National Gallery:
In July 2016 we ran a competition in partnership with the National Gallery for stories inspired by paintings in the Gallery. The five winners were performed at their summer Inspiration Late event. 

Granta Magazine: 
Over the years we've read many a story at Granta's issue launch events: a couple of the best are Ben Crystal's reading of Helen Simpson's Night Thoughts from Issue 115, The F(eminism) Word, and Steve Wedd reading Phil Klay's Redeployment from Granta 116: Ten Years Later. 

Sevenoaks Literary Festival:
We were asked to pick five of our absolute favourite stories to perform at Sevenoaks Literary Festival in October 2015, and so we got on a train and gave our all to pieces by  Xanthi Barker, Jonathan Pinnock, Rob Passmore, James Smyth and Uschi Gatward (2015 winner of the Wasafiri New Writing Prize for Fiction). Watch them here. 

 

Wilderness Festival:
We've wandered into the Wilderness a couple of times to read in their Literature tent, and it's always been an absolute blast. We've performed stories about zombie porn, tripping castaways, first love and more. Check out the videos from some of our festival readings here. 

European Literature Night: 
Our Near & Far event in June 2015 was supported by European Literature Night, coordinated by the Czech Centre, and featured brand new translations of work by brilliant authors from Poland, Germany, Slovenia, the Czech Republic and Lithuania. Read and watch the extracts here. 

Litcrawl London: 
What could be better than a bar/pub/cafe crawl around Peckham where you drink booze and listen to excellent short stories? Not much, that's what. Watch the videos here. 

The Willesden Herald Short Story Competition:
The tireless Steve Moran (left) got us in to read some of the winning stories from this prestigious international short fiction competition in 2011, and we've been back most years since. Browse the videos here. 

Writers' & Artists' Yearbook: 
In 2013 the Writers' & Artists' Yearbook, which runs an annual short story competition, enlisted us to bring their prizewinning stories to life at their awards event. The competition was judged by LL alumna Tania Hershman, and you can see which stories she picked read by our actors here. 

CATS Foundation: 
CATS (Cure and Action for Tay-Sachs Foundation) is a charity for terminally ill children which is close to the heart of LL alumna (and story contributor) Rosalind Stopps. So in July 2015 we did a special one-off charity event with them, on a Parent & Child theme. Read and watch the stories here. 

Liars' League Top Tens #9: Top Ten Podcasts

We've been recording our stories since the beginning, and we have a ton of audio goodness (over 150 episodes) available on our podcast over at Jellycast: you can subscribe, download or listen to them individually here if you haven't already. Our most popular episodes, by bandwidth, are listed in order below. #CommuteSorted

Gods & Mortals (September 2016) Starring in September's six stories we have a sassy Satan, a Yorkshire Charon, the Irish god of poetry and love Aengus Og, the Almighty himself in a Mexican prison, Dionysus at AA, Baron Samedi on a Bradford bus, and, of course, guineapigs.

Work & Play (August 2016): Let your hair down in an office-appropriate fashion with our five winning stories on a Work & Play theme. Topics include demonic harassment in the workplace, death while shopping, post-mortem am-dram, colleague cuckoldry and a room full of nightmares, which for once doesn't mean the stationery cupboard ...

Flesh & Bone (October 2016): For Hallowe'en we served up plenty of fresh fictional meat: embalmers and gravediggers in love, vengeful Hollywood wives, worms, livestock, bodyswaps, zombies, ghosts, revenants and a rather crap cyborg. Enjoy!

Dead & Buried (October 2013) Part 1 & Part 2: Another of our ever-popular Hallowe'en events, featuring zombies, voodoo, serial killers, ghosts and spousal homicide. 

Beginning & End (May 2014): Five stories running the gamut from birth to death, with rat pie, off-piste birth plans, Aussie anglers, eidetic prodigies and fiery apocalypse in between.

Cloak & Dagger (November 2013) Part 1 & Part 2: Prostitutes! Mushrooms! Sniping academics! Irish dancehalls! Our November 2013 edition has it all ...

Rack & Ruin (March 2017): Join our pity party and drown your sorrows! Our six tales-of-fail feature stomp-happy giants, ailing pets, serial killers, Roman ruins, decadent down-and-outs and - perhaps most distressingly - creeping male pattern baldness.

Light & Dark (December 2016): Elves, Secret Santa, obscene Christmas lights, Ebenezer Scrooge, estranged relatives and a really, REALLY awkward Christmas dinner - our seasonal special has it all.

Truth & Dare (March 2014): We asked for tales of honesty, bravery and Spin the Bottle. What we got was snipe, booze, Central African corruption, coups, Hoxton tw*ts, naked photography and Death personified, twice. Enjoy.

Boom & Bust (March 2015): The winning stories for our Radio 4-broadcast 2015 event featured Polish pick-up artists, financial cruelty, Deptford dockers, people jumping off buildings, Japanese translators and really a LOT of swearing. (Fly Like a Dolphin is definitely NSFW).

Liars' League Top Tens #8: New York, New York

Liars' League NYC was born in May 2012. Run by an original co-founder of Liars' League London, Andrew Lloyd-Jones, our New York sister League is a stalwart at the KGB Bar. It takes its time with a longer word count (up to 3000) and teams up with NYC literary festivals on a regular basis.  

Here, Liars Liam Hogan and Katy Darby select 10 stories (in no particular order) from the Big Apple branch which have caught their eyes and imagination.  

A Man With a Towel Around His Waist Speaks, by Chris Arp, read by Jonathan Harford

The Guide to Being a Dictator's Mistress by Cedrick Mendoza-Tolentino, read by Margi Sharp-Douglas

Ten Thousand Feet by Michael Spring, read by Daniel Lugo

Heart of a God by Sam Carter, read by Alexandra Gray

The Death Inspector General's Report by Irene Zabytko read by Jon Sprik

The Moose is a Lie by Ben Black, read by Matt Alford

The Sidekick by E.P. Henderson, read by Seth James

Casino Joe by J. T. Townley, read by Mark Woollett

Can I See You Again? by Christopher Green, read by Amber Bogdewiecz

Refrigerator Children by Erika D. Price, read by Matt Alford

Liars' League Top Tens #7: Hong Kong Branch!

Liars' League HK was born in February 2012, to great acclaim, the very first event packed out. Hong Kong choose a lower word count, fitting in more stories and manages to squeeze in a live musical interlude as well.

After a brief hiatus in 2016 it's back, as popular as ever. Here, Liar Liam Hogan cherrypicks 10 HK stories (in no particular order), and even manages to sneak in one of his own...

	Technical Drowning by Maria Kyle read by Sin Gwamanda
	That Sinking Feeling by Esther Cleverly read by Ann-Marie Taaffe
	Apple Kiss by Helen Dring read by Sin Gwamanda
	In the Ruins of Libraries by Scott Carpenter read by Frasier McPhie
	Together by Yalun Tu read by Sean Hebert
	All The Way by Daniel Bird read by Ann-Marie Taaffe
	A Grip On Reality by John Robertson read by Michael Rogers
	Big Fish by Liam Hogan read by Daniel Levia
	What I Love About by E.P. Henderson read by Saffron Chan
	The Last Curse by Peng Shepherd read by Harry Oram (Snippet - the whole recorded by BBC Radio 4!)

Liars' League Top Tens #5 & #6: Most Valuable Authors & Actors

Those who have followed our events for a while will know that as well as free-flowing booze, our annual Christmas show features the hotly-anticipated MVP (Most Valuable Player) Awards, which recognise the contributions of our most prolific actors and authors (i.e. those who have read out or written the most stories that year).

If you're interested in finding out more about these talented people, reading some of their stories or watching their performances, head over to the Author and Actor pages for full biographies and story links. 

Wondering who they all are? Wonder no more ...

            MVP Author                      MVP Actor

2007    Michael Spring                    Patsy Prince

2008    Brindley Hallam Dennis        Silas Hawkins

2009    Liam Hogan                        Paul Clarke

2010    Liam Hogan                        Ben Crystal

2011    Richard Smyth                    Will Goodhand

2012    Quintin Forrest                    Cliff Chapman

2013    David McGrath                    Cliff Chapman

2014    Liam Hogan                        Sarah Feathers

2015    Jim Cogan & Alan Graham    David Mildon

2016    Liam Hogan                        Jim Cogan

Geekstats: as you can see, our MVP of MVPs in the Author category is the mighty Liam Hogan, with four wins under his belt, and our MVP Actor champ is Cliff Chapman, while the multi-talented Jim Cogan is the only person to do the double, bagging MVP Author (joint) in 2015, and MVP Actor in 2016. 

Liars' League Top Tens #4: You Heard Them Here First

Over the years, our LL judges have proven more than adept at talent-spotting, picking work by authors who go on to win prizes, fame and international publishing deals. Here are just a few of our success stories (alphabetical by first name):

Anna Mazzola: In 2012, Anna's historical story Crossing the Line was read at our Wet & Wild event. It was part of an early draft of her novel ... 

What's she up to now? Her debut novel, The Unseeing, was published by Tinder Press (Headline) in 2016 (US edition out early 2017). 

Cherry Potts: Cherry has written a number of stories for Liars' League, including Mirror, The Queen's Safety, Leaving, and The Real McCoy (about a freakshow mermaid).

What's she up to now? In 2012 Cherry set up Arachne Press, which has published three anthologies of Liars' League stories (including the Saboteur Award-winning Weird Lies), volumes of poetry and a Carnegie Medal nominated children's novel by another LL alum, Alex Smith. Her epic fantasy debut, The Dowry Blade, is out now. 

Imogen Hermes Gowar: Her story The Chip on your Shoulder was a winner in our March 2015 Boom & Bust event.

What's she up to now? Her debut novel, The Mermaid & Mrs Hancock, will be published by Penguin Random House in February 2018 as a lead fiction title. Read an extract here. 

Jonathan Pinnock: As regular contributor to Liars' League with his mischievous and offbeat stories, Jonathan's work includes Rare Meat, The Patience of a Saint, and Ventriloquism for Dummies.

What's he up to now? Since his first story appeared at Liars' League, Jonathan has gone on to publish a number of books including Mrs Darcy versus the Aliens (an Austen pastiche), Dot Dash (short stories) and Take it Cool (biography). 

Lucy Ribchester: Lucy's historical short stories Where it Hurts and At the Bottom of the Sea of Troubles were read at Liars' League in 2013 and 2014 respectively.

What's she up to now? In 2014 she was a finalist for the Costa Short Story Award, and in 2015 she published her debut novel, The Hourglass Factory, with Simon & Schuster; it was followed in 2016 by The Amber Shadows. 

M L Stedman: Her Australia-set short story Rabbit's Foot Ralph was a winning story for our 2009 Bridge & Tunnel theme, and was read by Steve Wedd.

What's she up to now? A mere three years later, in 2012, her debut novel The Light Between Oceans was published and has gone on to sell more than 2.3 million copies. We sure can pick 'em ...

Owen Booth: We've always been fans of Owen's experimental, funny and off-the-wall stories, which include Special Economic Advisers in Love, The Greatest Breakfast in the World, God Grant me the Serenity and A Model World.

What's he up to now? Since we first discovered him (that's how we like to think of it) he's been published in a number of anthologies and won the prestigious White Review Short Story Prize. 

Peng Shepherd: Free Cake was Peng's contribution to our Hired & Fired event in March 2012, and later appeared in the award-winning Arachne Press anthology Weird Lies. 

What's she up to now? Peng's stories have appeared in Litro and .Cent magazine and been read on BBC Radio 4 as part of their Liars' League season. Her debut novel M will be published by HarperCollins in January 2018. 

Richard Smyth: His many stories for Liars' League include Saint Theresa, What I Am Without, Something Wicked and Paternoster. He also ran Liars' League Leeds until he got really busy writing books.

What's he up to now? ABSOLUTELY LOADS. He's published a novel, Wild Ink; Bumfodder, a history of toilet paper, a local history book and most recently A Sweet Wild Note, a book about birdsong. 

Samuel (Sammy) Wright has written some great stories for us, including OK, Old, and the deliciously-titled Fucking Hippies. Liar Katy takes credit for encouraging him to write short stories ...

What's he up to now? His story Best Friend won a ton of prizes and was published by Galley Beggar Press. His Hackney-set book with Josh Lustig, The Marshes, is published by Tartaruga Press. 

BONUS BALL:

Liam Hogan: Longtime host of LL London, Liam has written literally too many stories to list here - the most recent ones being Tigg Montague's Ponzi Pyramid Scheme and 500 Miles. 

What's he up to now? He's just published his long-awaited (especially by him) debut short story collection, Happy Ending Not Guaranteed, with Arachne Press. Nice review here. 

Liars' League Top Tens #3: Best Story Titles

Today's Top 10 is Top 10 Best Story Titles (in no particular order) ... which one tickles your fancy?

 

 

The Alminian Dragon of Tureq by David Varela, read by Will Goodhand

 

The Love Song of the Predator Drone by Owen Booth, read by Henrietta Clemett

 

How to Survive the Olympics with a Broken Heart by Rosalind Stopps, read by Nicky Diss

 

The Man with the Musical Penis by Sumit Dam, read by Martin Lamb

 

Duct Tape, Masking Tape, Whatever by Darren Lee, read by Sabina Cameron

 

If Love were a Triceratops by David McGrath, read by Max Berendt

 

Romero & Juliet by Liam Hogan, read by Robert Welling

 

Salvador Dali’s 115th Dream by Niall Boyce, read by Ben Crystal

 

Morality Laws for Wild Animals Aboard Noah’s Ark by Jody Callahan, read by Will Goodhand

 

Gerald the Absolute Swine by Geoffrey Heptonstall, read by Paul Clarke

 

The Strange and Epic Saga of Mermaid Strippers, Disaster, Salvation, Gold, Capsizing, Fire, Hiccups, Mutiny, Shipwreck, A Cult, Prison, Escape, and Mermaid Strippers Again by Peter Saul, read by Gloria Sanders

Liars' League Top Tens #2: Top Ten Videos

How do we decide which our favourite story videos of all time are? Why, simple! Ask YouTube. Here, then, are the ten most watched videos on our YouTube channel (which by the way has over 300 free-to-view stories on it, and counting), in order of popularity. Enjoy!

The Flyer Man by Jonny Aldridge, read by Rhik Samadder

God Grant me the Serenity ... by Owen Booth, read by Paul Clarke

After That, We Are Ignorant by Bilal Tanweer, read by Rhik Samadder

Redeployment by Phil Klay, read by Steve Wedd

Night Thoughts by Helen Simpson, read by Ben Crystal

Runners by David McGrath, read by Paul Clarke & David McGrath

Death of an Urban Hermit by Matthew Parker, read by Ben Crystal

Tiny Bald Patch by Pascal O'Hara, read by Rich Keeble

The Miller's Tale by Richard Smyth, read by Paul Clarke

If Love were a Triceratops by David McGrath, read by Max Berendt

Next show: QUESTIONS & ANSWERS, event date Tuesday 13th June £100 Story Competition! HEADS & TAILS, deadline Sunday 11th June

NEXT EVENT: Tue 13th June - QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Our June show features absurdist job interviews, mystical cold-callers, teachers in meltdown, marriages in crisis, an exam paper in life itself and the answer to the world's most important question - or is it? Click the Facebook event to find out more & RSVP.

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS - WINNING STORIES

Colloquium ad Absurdum by Andreas Paraskevaides *NEW AUTHOR*

In Between by LMA Bauman-Milner 

Frank's Last Invigilation by Bernard O'Keeffe 

The Genie by Tom Heaton

Parvati's Visit by Brindley Hallam Dennis

A Distance Between Us by Anton Rose

Doors open at 7pm for a 7.30 start and it's £5 on the door (cash only). This buys you a programme, sweeties, and entry to the fabulous, infamous book quiz. 

We usually finish at about 9.30 and stick around for a drink after. Seating is first come first served - so it's an idea to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good table - but if you have a party of five or more you can reserve a table by calling 07808 939535. The venue is in the basement bar (accessibility note - there are stairs) of:

The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square
London
W1G 0PP

Nearest tube (a 5 minute walk) is Oxford Circus (Victoria, Central & Bakerloo lines). Further details are here.

Missed our last event, CUT & THRUST? Never fear - all the stories, podcast & video are right here.

 

FREE TO ENTER COMPETITION in partnership with TSS Publishing:

HEADS & TAILS

DEADLINE: Sunday June 11th for event at The Phoenix, Cavendish Square, London, on Tuesday July 11th.

HEADS & TAILS is our competition theme ... so what are we looking for? First and foremost, fantastic storytelling. Secondly, stories which are relevant to the theme. What do we mean by this? Well, you could write about heads of state, egghead intellectuals, brains in jars or animal tails; tailspins and tail-chasers; coin tosses, games of chance and literal or metaphorical snakes-and-ladders. Creative interpretations of heads and/or tails are welcome!

Liars’ League & TSS Publishing Short Story Competition: brief details

Liars’ League and TSS Publishing are combining forces for a themed short story competition and literary evening on Tuesday 11^th July 2017.

Entry is free.

1st prize: £100.

2^nd & 3^rd: Read by LL actors & published on www.TheShortStory.co.uk. Free entry for author and a guest, plus free drinks (author only!)

Three winners will be read on a special Liars’ League evening on Tuesday July 11th, followed by a Q&A discussion with one or more of the winning authors.

Videos and a podcast of the winning stories will be published on the Liars’ League website and the stories will be features on TSS Publishing.

Judges: Katy Darby and Liam Hogan of Liars' League, and Rupert Dastur of TSS Publishing (The Short Story.co.uk)

Liars' League Top Tens #1: Top Ten Stories

Ten glorious years, 111 events, and well over 500 stories, but we tasked the League to pick their ten as the best of the best! Is your favourite in here? (Comment below if not!)
Liars' League Top Ten Stories: the list.

Then, to prevent the inevitable night of long knives as the Liars attempted to agree on the ultimate winner, we set the public loose on them. Voting closed on Monday 10th April 2017 at midnight, and the champion was announced live at our TRUTH & LIES event on Tuesday April 11th.

LIARS' LEAGUE TOP TEN STORIES

Winner: TRIES TO COOK AND EAT GORDON RAMSAY by Quintin Forrest, read by Paul Clarke

Runner up: THE ELEPHANT IN THE TOWER by David McGrath, read by Ed Cooper Clarke

Shortlist (in alphabetical order by title)

BIRTH PLAN by Uschi Gatward, read by Beverley Longhurst

THE DEAD WIVES' CLUB by Ilora Choudhury, read by Gloria Sanders

THE DEVIL’S LIES by Kachi Ozumba, read by Steve Wedd

HECHO A MANO by Brindley Hallam Dennis, read by Susannah Holland

IRONWORK by Malachi King, read by Ben Crystal

ON THE CATCHING & COOKING OF MAGICAL FOLK by Juleigh Howard-Hobson, read by Rob Witcomb

THIS ISN’T HEAT by Richard Smyth, read by Silas Hawkins

UP SO HIGH (FEEL SO LOW) by Jennifer Rickard, read by Kim Scopes

 

100 events, 100 themes! Clickable map of Liars' League themes