Read by Carrie Cohen
It has long been a problem that has plagued actuaries, politicians and indeed, prudent individuals such as yourselves. Planning, for an uncertain future. How much should you pay into your pension not knowing how long, or indeed, if you'll ever claim it? How much should you set aside for periods of unemployment? For healthcare issues? For assisted living?
Until now, this thorniest of problems has been tackled - but far from solved - by the crudest of tools, by the bluntest of instruments: statistics. Your life expectancy and other, similar data are simply averaged. Which means that the man who dies the morning of his retirement party is subsidising the woman celebrating her 100th birthday surrounded by friends and family and with a congratulatory message from the Queen.
Recent cost reductions in DNA analysis, coupled with a detailed lifestyle survey, can provide some improved measure of predictability. But this approach merely sorts those average life expectancies into narrower buckets and can never deal with the truly unexpected. Such as stepping out in front of the Number 67 bus on a hungover Wednesday morning. Yes sir, I am looking at you.
Here at Death&Taxes Incorporated, we make the uncertain, certain. Let our EasyActuary-5000 quantum-bit supercomputer crunch all of the available data and we’ll provide you with a personalised LifePlan, guaranteed accurate to a hundred decimal places, tailored just for you. Our LifePlan (Trademark) covers the essential big life events we know you’ll want to know about, from the joyous to the, alas, rather less fortunate. From weddings and births, to divorces, serious illnesses and, of course, the exact date of your death.
We’ll even tell you the nature of your demise, if you so desire; whether accidental, cancer or some other terminal illness, homicide, suicide, or, for those lucky few - such as you madam - a simple matter of old age.
Death&Taxes Incorporated offers financial advice on the back of your LifePlan. What, after all, is the point of saving for a rainy day, if that rainy day never comes? A LifePlan can, over the span of an average life, save you many thousands in unnecessary premiums. With a LifePlan in your hands, paying insurance becomes a thing of the past. We’ll tell you exactly when you’re going to be robbed, or suffer a major fire, or flood.
For the absent minded, we can send out a reminder twenty-four hours before each such significant event. Or we can sync an entire LifePlan with your iPhone Calendar for your ease and convenience.
And please! don’t worry yourself about the effect this invaluable knowledge might have on your LifePlan; on your life. Our Quantum-Entanglement Programming takes this into account. So no, you can’t prevent disasters simply by knowing they’re coming. That would, of course, invalidate your LifePlan. Which is impossible. To the old saying that the only two certain things in life are Death and Taxes, here at Death&Taxes Incorporated, we’d like to add a third: a LifePlan prediction. You can’t avoid them, but you can--and you should--plan for them.
We’ll tell you when to start saving for your first home, when you should retire, and even when you should check your partner’s text messages for signs of infidelity. Yes, I am indeed talking to you two. We’ll let you know when you’ll be off work with a serious illness, or when to factor in maternity leave. No more being caught in a dead-end job simply because you’re worried about losing your benefits!
There have been some ill-informed and negative comments about LifePlans from the Church and from government advisors. The knowledge that we give you makes them uneasy, uncomfortable. They want to keep you in the dark, blindly groping into the future. They know that what Death&Taxes Incorporated offers represents a real game changer, allowing you to convert to the religion of your choice only when it really matters. They know that a LifePlan puts you, the customer, very much in the driving seat.
In fact, such are the advantages of a LifePlan that we recommend you sign up for one as early in your life as you possibly can. We even offer a Family Deal: buy one for yourself and get one half price for all of your unborn children at the same time. Not sure how many children you’re having? Not to worry, we’ll do the maths.
Now that you’ve heard our sales pitch, I trust you’re eager to know how to proceed. It’s very simple. All you need to do is call us on 0800 666 and agree to our extremely reasonable terms.
We ask for nothing up front. We don’t even ask you to pay in instalments. We merely ask that you pay your entire debt the day your LifePlan expires.
Our LifePlan calculates in advance exactly what your worth is at that point. And that then is our fee, to the nearest penny. Rest assured, it won’t inconvenience you in the slightest. After all, you can’t take it with you.
What’s that Madam? Your... soul? Ah, been reading the small print have we? Well yes, the contract does say everything you own on the day that you die. And yes, technically that would include your soul, but again! Please be at ease. If you have been following your LifePlan diligently, then your soul, like your finances, will by that final day be inconsequential. A mere trifle. Hardly worth us collecting at all!
Thank you for your careful attention.
(c) Liam Hogan, 2017
Liam Hogan is a Liar of long standing. His short story Ana appears in Best of British Science Fiction 2016 (NewCon Press) and his dark and twisted fantasy collection, Happy Ending Not Guaranteed, is published by Arachne Press. More at http://happyendingnotguaranteed.blogspot.co.uk/ (or tweet @LiamJHogan)
Carrie Cohen’s theatre credits include Sandra in Tick Tock at Slam, Mrs Tarleton in Shaw’s Misalliance (Tabard), Hetty in Gelt (Etcetera) and Myfanwy in Hula Hoops (The Space). Film includes Grace in Just Saying. Her comic character Hilda Pimlico came to life within Stick Man Club earlier this year. Full CV and showreel at www.CarrieCohen.co.uk
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