Click for podcast (fifth story)
Read by Rich Keeble
His training had prepared him for this. Every muscle in his body was tensed as he crouched - except his legs - because of the crouch. He performed a quick weapon check. One, two guns … plus the Bowie knife strapped to his back. A blade between his shoulder blades. So, three blades. On top of that, his nerves were so sharp he wasn't sure if he should declare them as dangerous weapons too. But he didn't have time to start counting his nerves; there were probably bloody hundreds of them. No time to talk to himself either. Radio silence. Just like in Beirut. He knew he was in for a long wait. But he could wait. He was patient.
Six long minutes later he heard the guard's replacement arrive. He understood the short conversation about the previous guard's wife and her stew because he was fluent in Russian. Cooper enjoyed flexing the muscles in his mind as well as his body.
Without a word, he made the guard go unconscious using the old neck trick. He smiled to himself. He'll be fine when he wakes up. I'm sure he's had worse headaches the morning after a typical Russian vodka session, which he knew they all enjoyed.
Silently and stealthily he dragged the hulking Rusky out of the corridor and into a janitor's closet where he started to undress him. Always start with your assailant when changing clothes. You don't want the enemy strolling round the corner to find you in your tighty-whiteys struggling with Boris's belt. He learned that lesson in Chechnya. He'd had to take out a hive of insurgents wearing just his dog tags. Ironically the shame had made him even quicker and more decisive in dispatching the gunmen since he didn't want to be caught. Nor did he want witnesses. Perhaps there was something in that. Could a nude assault work? Hmm. Who would he need to talk to back at HQ about a manoeuvre like that? Anyway, whatever, that been the last time he went commando as an actual commando. This time he made sure he got the bulky Russian completely undressed before he so much as un-holstered his own Beretta.
He smirked at the guard's shrivelled Russian-looking penis – my todger is much bigger than that, he thought as he swapped underpants – he needed to make sure his cover was completely fool-proof. You don't want to be caught out by a random Russian boxer label check. As he pulled on the rest of the uniform, he noticed it was a little loose around the belly and tight around the biceps. Oh well, it'd have to do – not his fault that he was so damned ripped. Actually it was his fault. All his fault – all those hours of extra, hard-core, bloody training – he only had himself to blame.
He kept hold of his own weapons but also relieved his insensible companion of his Kalashnikov. He checked his special watch. He had been about to do a fresh weapon count but realised he didn’t have time. Would he have time to dress this poor sap, now? His keen insight told him that he might need his clothes in a hurry later, so instead he laid them over his crumpled enemy like blankets on a homeless person. The vodka bottle also gave it an extra touch of realism. He almost smiled. Almost. He’d save his slow smile for the last thing that the deranged General ‘AWOL’ would see before ‘Lights Out’. ‘Sayonara Sucker’. ‘End of the Line’. ‘Goodnight Mr Tom’. He had at least forty-five minutes to plan out his side of the dialogue. Of course it was a waste of time mentally scripting the whole thing, a pro like him just needed a couple of choice lines ready.
Cooper decided to take a quick slug of the poor Russian’s purloined vodka just to be safe – he didn't want to be caught out by a random breathalyser – then he closed the cupboard behind him. Feeling like a new man (but still possessing all of the skills and knowledge he had previously amassed, obviously) he crept along the dirty corridor.
Time for action.
(c) Will Conway, 2018
Will Conway lives and writes in London. He is a teacher who writes jokes and makes his own comics and zines. His short story collection was published by Lazy Gramophone Press a few years ago and his sci-fi graphic novel should be out this year.
Rich Keeble is an actor and voiceover artist. Recent Twitter posts regarding his appearances in commercials for Topcashback include: "he is literally the farmer off Shaun the Sheep", "he looks like some weird mutant with Gollum teeth", and "I wish he was dead". richkeeble.com
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