Click for podcast (last story but one)
Read by Claire Lacey & Will Goodhand
Before you next let road rage take over, consider: objects in the rear-view mirror may have more teeth than they seem.
She held on to the fragment of glass as he lay beside her, wordlessly willing him to keep from stirring this time.
The source of the nursing home's troubles had less to do with faulty wiring and more to do with mandibles.
Time to enlist the pelican king's help in recalibrating the colour of sadness.
Follow the sole surviving yellow flamingo as it’s ruthlessly pursued by mechanical assassins hell-bent on exploiting the fearsome magnificence of its beautiful beak.
Animated monuments drag a coastal city to the depths.
In a world where small furry mammals are hurt for sport, the people cry out for clockwork crusader! His gears are sharp; his wit is sharper.
Trains are replaced by hot-air balloons overnight. Everyone's late for work.
"Daddy?" "No. This is Daddy-5000-TXZ, a superior model in every way."
Falling into the sky was only the beginning.
Advances in genetic engineering have finally enabled him to own a radioactive flying jellyfish. Her name is Kelly and she is brighter than the sun.
All the missing socks from every washing cycle since the invention of the washing machine coalesce into a squirming sentient mass that suffocates us in our sleep.
At 11 pm GMT on a flight somewhere over the Atlantic, a woman patiently explains to a man that men who explain things to women who can explain the same things better than those men can explain these things themselves, are inexplicably inconsiderate. The man stares at his crème brûlée.
Caged primates develop an unusual aptitude for string instruments. They name their band Sulky Monkey.
The god of discarded fish heads and bowling alleys, and the lesser known abominable snowman of Majorca, file an official complaint against Bigfoot for stinking up the place. The complaint is ignored.
Come for the pie! Stay for the parasitic fireflies sapping your will to move.
Fourteen renowned academics denounce creativity as a colossal waste of time before crying themselves to sleep.
Boy meets girl. Girl is trans-dimensional ambassador sent to assess the suitability of lifeforms for body-harvesting; boy is IT consultant. They buy a flat in Prague.
Getting up is hard to do when your legs have turned to goo.
Following a week-long conference filled with intense deliberations, scientists conclude: giraffes are weird.
I drove all night to get to you before being told to fuck off back to Georgia.
Divers discover drowned drivers chained to the wheels of their limousines.
A glistening pearl of sweat slides through valleys of soft flesh and mountains of jagged bone. Reaching the tip of a hip, it spreads liquid wings and prepares to fly. The wings are unstable, badly formed. They burst and it drops, lost in the endless folds of space. Perhaps it will one day make a pretty splash.
A star burns the last of its hydrogen fuel and collapses out of existence. There are no witnesses.
(c) Andreas Paraskevaides, 2018
Andreas Paraskevaides has a PhD in the philosophy of mind and action – otherwise known as "good luck with the rest of your life" – from the University of Edinburgh. He works in the media industry and can often be found talking to himself and walking into lamp-posts.
Claire Lacey is a former member of the BBC English Repertory Company. Stage includes Lady Bracknell in The Importance of Being Earnest, Helen in dark comedy Come Die With Me (The Vaults) and Gratiana in The Revenger’s Tragedy. Screenwork includes feature The Hippopotamus, Brief Encounters (ITV), and sci-fi feature Game Day opposite Stephen McGann; She’s also an experienced voice-over artist.
Will Goodhand is the only man to make multiple-adventurer of kids’ cartoon fame Mr Benn jealous: Internet entrepreneur, radio DJ, Beauty & the Geek star and etiquette adviser to Britain’s Next Top Models – and he also writes political musicals. For details of upcoming gigs, email [email protected]
Comments