Click for podcast (fourth story)
Read by James Price
"Right this way sir," says the impeccably dressed French sommelier leading Eric Benson, thirty-three, six months single and rapidly greying, down a dim corridor. They swiftly pass a series of red-curtained rooms that hide the inhabitants, but not their conversations.
“You c*nt.”
“I would die for you!”
“You’re a liar.”
“I adore you ...”
“I despise your mother.”
“Hold me …”
“I hate you.”
“Just fucking kill yourself!”
"Please, please, I'm sorry!"
"You're late," the sommelier says, exasperated, as he breaks the grasp of Eric's hand on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to...” Eric trails off.
“Your date has been waiting for 15 minutes."
“What was that?” Eric asks.
"Everyone has a different reaction to the wine, your experience won’t necessarily be the same, nor will it necessarily be different.”
Eric nods, terrified.
The sommelier snaps into presentation mode.
“Welcome to Wine Frame of Mind! You’ve already signed our non-disclosure agreement online, but you'll need to sign our indemnity agreement before I can let you meet your date." He hands Eric a document at least 140 pages thick.
Eric looks up at him quizzically, "What is this?"
“It's just a simple document that protects us in the event of death, revenge porn, mental breakdown, love, unrequited love, lust, a variety of STIs, suicide ... you know, It's just standard boilerplate relationship stuff really.”
Eric nods.
“Please sign it quickly, your date has been waiting a long time.”
Eric hastily signs the document: he's already spent a significant amount of his life savings coming here, he has married friends who swear by it. The sommelier than Eric and sweeps the curtain open.
"This is Kate."
The room is sparse and white, with white padded walls, white padded chairs, a white padded table and white padded wine glasses. Kate, Eric's date, a pretty redhead in her late twenties, makes a tight-lipped smile in his general direction. On the table are six glasses of wine, each with a card under them that reads as follows:
Infatuation
Love
Jealousy
Honesty
Stability
Hatred
Eric smiles meekly at Kate and takes his seat on the padded chair opposite her. The Sommelier frowns at both of them. "We've paired the two of you because in two weeks’ time you would have met in a bar and begun a relationship. Since neither of you feels you have the time to waste on an emotional commitment that isn’t going anywhere, we’re here to expedite the process.”
Kate and Eric both size each other up apprehensively. The sommelier continues:
"With each sip of wine, you will present the worst of yourselves and the best of yourselves to each other. Without this tasting, you would have spent years figuring out what you'll now discover in only a few hours. The room is padded for your safety."
"Why?" Kate and Eric interject almost simultaneously.
He smiles, "You're both toxic people, and you both know this."
They look at each other.
"Our tasting menu tonight has been expertly crafted around the emotions that you have individually or mutually used to destroy past relationships." They both look at their hands. The sommelier smirks. "While I suggest tasting the first few varietals together at the same time, to truly test your compatibility, mixing counter-intuitive emotions will give you the most solid indicator of your suitability. Please enjoy, this is where I leave you."
Eric and Kate gradually look at each other, holding eye-contact for an uncomfortable length of time.
"Shall we start with the hate one?" Eric asks.
"Yes, that sounds about right. Why do I really feel like I know you?” Kate responds nervously.
“I don't know. I feel like I know you too.”
They hold up their glasses of hatred, and cheers.
(c) Joseph Francis, 2018
James Price’s recent theatre credits include Fire and Phoenix for Historia Theatre where he combined the roles of Christopher Wren and Charles II. He has narrated a variety of audio books. His TV and film credits include the BAFTA award winning L8R Youngers 2 for the BBC, In My Head and Background Action.
Joseph Francis is an Anglo-American creative director and writer based out of London.
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