Read by Tim Larkfield
Dear Mr Aldrich
Thank you for the submission of your short story ‘Led by Donkeys’ to Counterfiction magazine. I can speak not only as editor of our august periodical but for each of the judging panel in welcoming the appearance of your unique voice to the world of counter-factual speculative fiction. There was much debate and one might even say passion around the table as we discussed your work; so engaged, indeed, were the judges that they shared some detailed feedback which I copy below.
I would start however by thanking you for not setting your story within one of the now very tired scenarios such as John F. Kennedy surviving his trip to Dallas in 1963, the success of Hitler and Nazi Germany against the Allies after 1944, and - curiously - had the People’s Princess not taken that ill-fated journey to Paris. In contrast, your tale felt fresh, imaginative and very contemporary. The absence of airships alone made my day.
- Your pivot point after which history changes. It is a bold choice to take an esteemed and successful politician as your narrator and reimagine them as a tragic failure and (we really liked this device) podcaster. Your narrative voice is strong and recognisable - we love the use of his well-known catch phrases “I say unto you” and “I do say now...”. We just didn’t buy the point at which you pivot on history. Everyone enjoys a good bit of the Hinge Factor now and then but seriously: the inept eating of a bacon sandwich? Our panel just couldn’t buy it. We wonder whether it might be stronger instead if Lord Miliband has an affair with one of his special advisors or is inadvertently linked with the Blair/North Korea bribery scandal.
- Following directly from (1) - and we see what you’ve done here - taking a fairly obscure and marginalised politician like Jeremy Corbyn and thrusting him centre stage as leader of the Labour Party. One of our judging panel is a long-standing professor of political science and she confirmed what we all felt in that it stretches credulity too far. As you’ll no doubt have read in our letters section on more than one occasion - it is a fine line between the plausible and the implausible but this is the point at which willing suspension of disbelief becomes a shake of the head. Given that there are few if any Labour politicians less likely than Corbyn to succeed, could you perhaps consider another? Chuka Umunna comes to mind. Just a thought.
- Referring to my point about Princess Diana above - and gosh isn’t she still a popular topic! - the Meghan Markle/Prince Harry subplot is a bit twee, no? You’ve given the new Princess a nice name and a compelling backstory, but perhaps a real person would be stronger: alternative suggestions from the panel included Chelsea Clinton, Kourtney Kardashian and Chloe from Geordie Shore. One panellist wondered if you might not have left this as history intended, as it were, and instead given the bisexual theme more prominence.
- The US references. While you clearly meant the mention of “President Donald Trump” as an off-hand gag we thought this distracted from some of the more fascinating ideas you were exploring around the so-called special relationship and to be honest we couldn’t quite make the leap from Lord Miliband and the bacon sandwich incident to Jeb Bush losing the Republican Party primary. Can you perhaps remove? This perhaps may also tackle the word count issue - 2,000 words is, after all, our ‘maximum’ limit and not a vague aspiration however much you might wish it to be ...
- Your denouement. You clearly have a dim view of our political class. Theresa May’s character seems colourless, one-dimensional and, well, frankly at times just nasty. As our political scientist colleague adroitly noted: wasn’t this the woman who took on and challenged the Tories to address their reputation as the ‘Nasty Party’? Go back to your recent history, young man. Moreover, the depiction of her as the - what do you call her? - “May-bot” seems a bit flat. Just a thought but how about giving her some love interest? I can see her discovering untold passions with her counterpart the dashing Michel Barnier or possibly the Speaker, Bercow. Before you shake your head, don’t forget the precedent of John Major and Edwina Currie.
- As for the referendum idea, it is one we’ve seen before - it was popular among a certain class of writer with, shall we say, strong fantasies back in the 1990s - though we have no issue with this. However, the subsequent descent into farce laced with horror presented in your description of Britain approaching the exit of the EU takes the reader beyond counter factual fiction and firmly into the realms of comedy and fantasy. It beggars belief that any government would (a) fail to plan almost at all for departure and (b) cycle your Chris Grayling character through so many successive failures (though personally I loved the ferry company with no ferries - very Lewis Carroll!). We’d suggest therefore that you inject more realism here and tone down some of the more lurid stuff like stockpiling of medicines, the forced introduction of chlorinated chicken, and the annihilation of the automotive sector.
- Regarding the multiple votes on her deal, our constitutional expert is adamant that May wouldn’t be able to bring the vote back once let alone three times so please scratch that. Something dating back to the early seventeenth century, apparently.
- Finally, re Jacob Rees-Mogg - he’s an obscure and harmless, if eccentric, old cove I knew at university; why does he feature so prominently here? Do you hold a grudge? It looks a bit shabby so again, we’d suggest you revise.
In summary then we would love to print your submission subject to some of the changes proposed above. Please also provide a short biography of no more than 100 words to accompany your story - ideally with a recent photograph. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
I. G. Fawcett, Editor, Counterfiction Magazine
P.S. One last thing: we’ll be hosting a twenty-fifth anniversary reception at the Dorchester to launch this edition on 15 May at 7.30pm. I’m sure you’ll make every effort to attend. Please do RSVP before the 20th. We’re rather excited to be expecting Sir Boris say a few words: his recent Nobel Prize has given him quite the taste for being a literary lion and it’s a rare privilege to get the President of the European Council.
(c) Tim Aldrich, 2019
Tim Aldrich leads a double life as regulator of doctors by day and occasional author by night. His last Liars’ League story was read at the very first event (written under a pseudonym). Since then he has hosted, performed a couple of stories and remains proudly a Liar.
Tim Larkfieldtrained at The Poor School. He regularly performs with impro group Three Worlds. He has also worked at the BBC as a broadcast journalist. Recent credits include WeAreHere for the National Theatre, and a Nazi officer in low-budget horror movie Werewolves of the Third Reich.
Comments