Read by Rich Keeble (third story in podcast, here)
Memorandum from the desk of James Andrews, junior filing clerk at Mitchell, Sons and Candy, solicitors. Dated 25 September, 1896.
Dear Mr. Candy,
As I was reviewing the quarterly files, I couldn’t help but notice that one of our clients — a Mr Dracula — has bought five or six crumbling old houses in and around London.
Some of these properties have been on our books since Mitchell, Sons and Candy was merely Mitchell and Sons. They must be in a dreadful state of disrepair. Surely we could have found him a more suitable range of properties to invest in! Are the firm’s partners aware of this curious transaction?
Your humble servant,
James Andrews
From the desk of Wilfred Candy, Esq
My dear James,
I received your note with interest and am delighted to see you take some initiative in your work. We’ll make a lawyer of you in no time, my boy!
As to your query: There is nothing curious about Count Dracula. He is a fine fellow and, as you may be aware, a noble of his native Transylvania. I have dealt with him personally in correspondence and have found his English impeccable. He’s something of an anglophile, in fact, and tells me he dreams of strolling through our great city’s bustling streets, rubbing elbows with tradesman and nobleman alike.
Over the past few months, the Count has engaged our services in the purchase of a number of exquisite mansions in the capital, some dating back centuries. The buildings in question are filled with character, with excellent transportation links and boundless potential for renovations — kindly make a note of those descriptions, James. There are no “crumbling old houses” on our roster.
Do send my warmest regards to your uncle and your lovely bride. I’m told there are whispers of a new arrival in the Andrews household? Please accept my heartfelt congratulations!
I trust that this note has reassured you.
Warm regards,
Wilfred
From the desk of James Andrews, dated 26 September.
Dear Mr Candy,
Thank you for your kind words. My uncle is settling into his retirement and reminds me often that your patronage is not to be taken for granted. I hope my dedication to my duty speaks for itself in that regard. It’s true that my dear Millicent may well be expecting, but our doctor cautions us that much can change in these early days.
I must confess, the responsibilities a child will bring are weighing on me. Passing through the market square today, I overheard a group of women discussing a companion of theirs whose son disappeared without warning while playing in the street. An unthinkable fate for a young mother!
However, I must direct your attention back to the Dracula account. Since my memorandum of yesterday, I have undertaken some research into the Count’s workings. It seems that in recent months, his effects were sent to England from Transylvania. The transport ship was wrecked en route to Whitby, leaving no survivors and doing untold financial damage to the shipping firm.
Further investigation reveals that one Jonathan Harker, a solicitor working for an Exeter firm, disappeared shortly after visiting the Count’s Transylvanian castle. Mr Harker was out of contact with his employer for some time before he was located in a nearby convent, raving about blood and wolves and locked doors.
Given the apparent risk levels involved in working with the man, might it be prudent to reconsider our association with Count Dracula?
Many thanks,
James Andrews
From the desk of Wilfred Candy, Esq.
Dear James,
May I remind you that we are a legal firm? May I also remind you that every man has a right to fair representation under British law? The most vile of murderers are entitled, after all, to a legal advocate. Count Dracula depends on us. To distance ourselves from so distinguished a client over an accident at sea and an unpleasant home call would be downright negligent.
If anything, I dare say it’s to our advantage if rival lawyers aren’t man enough to do business with the count. Whatever duty the ailing Mr Harker was performing, one of our junior lawyers could surely manage it just as well without winding up in some miserable European nunnery. We at Mitchell, Sons and Candy are made of sterner stuff, are we not?
Best regards as ever to the family — future additions included, of course. And may I advise you to stop listening to gossiping fishwives in the marketplace? Just a thought.
Chin up, my boy.
Wilfred
From the desk of James Andrews, dated 29 September.
Sir,
I apologise for pressing the issue, but I really do think you should see this. Further research into Count Dracula and his personal history has revealed an alarming and grisly history.
Please review the attached file. I swear that if you consider all the facts at hand, even if only briefly, you will be convinced — as I am — of the creature we are dealing with and its true nature.
James Andrews
From the desk of Wilfred Candy, Esq.
Andrews,
You are employed at Mitchell, Sons and Candy to keep our books, greet our clients and, should the occasion call for it, polish Mr Mitchell’s boots. You are not employed to ask impertinent questions about poor, beleaguered Count Dracula. You yourself point out the number of tragedies that have surrounded the man in recent weeks! May he not be permitted to retire to his six unique and spacious mansions in peace?
Let this be my last warning: I expect you to keep your mind focused on your work. Stop wasting the firm’s time and money. I should hate to see a promising career in the law be cut off in its infancy over so small a matter.
Do not allow this Dracula business to trouble me again.
Regards,
Wilfred Candy, Esquire
From the desk of James Andrews, moments later.
Mr. Candy,
May I ask if you even looked at the file? Had you even taken the time to glance at it, you would surely be convinced that this is no small matter at all. Very well, let me set the facts out before you as plainly as I can:
Item one. Count Dracula appears to have lived in his ancestral castle for some centuries now. Despite his unnatural long life, he maintains an almost youthful vigour. Witnesses have remarked on his alarming pallor and blood-red lips.
Item two. The peasants surrounding the castle are deathly superstitious. And, it seems, with good cause. Their children are regularly snatched away and never seen again.
Item three. Every person or business who has allowed themselves to be associated with Count Dracula has been afflicted by some terrible misfortune.
Item four. Since the Count’s arrival on our shores, our own city has seen a spate of children vanishing. Many of those same children have since reappeared. More than one parent has described a mysterious incision on their child’s throat and a sickly demeanour.
Item five. The wolves of a local zoo have— I give up.
Must I spell this out for you, sir? We are in league with ungodly forces. For the good of our souls, we must sever our connection with Count Dracula.
With deepest concern,
James
From the desk of Wilfred Candy, Esq. Dated 30 September.
My dear James,
I must apologise. The note you left on my desk this morning appears to have fallen — unread, of course — into the fireplace. A hastily arranged folder was also destroyed in this accident. Please don’t trouble yourself to rewrite either document. I fancy they were related to a trivial incident that will resolve itself in due course.
May I enquire as to the health of your beautiful wife? Your uncle has informed me that the enchanting Millicent is expecting twins. Truly a blessing to a young family! I am certain that the four of you will prosper, thanks in no part to your diligent work at Mitchell, Sons and Candy. And just as your uncle was good enough to recommend you to us upon his retirement, there will be a place in our firm for your children, should they be called to this most noble of professions.
And do not doubt that our humble business will still be standing when that day comes. We are a longstanding family business with a great many loyal clients. As your uncle often liked to remark, a rich man makes a good client but a loyal man is better. Best of all, of course, is a rich man whose loyalty can be expected to continue for a good, long time. Especially one whose eccentric lifestyle may lead him to pay a generous sum for the kind of ramshackle outhouses that wouldn’t merit a second glance from another gentleman of his rank.
Such clients are like gold dust. We must do everything in our power to retain their friendship. I must caution, however, that gentlemen of this calibre expect their loyalty to be rewarded. We respect our clients’ privacy in this firm and would never dream of prying into their personal circumstances.
It would be unconscionable, for example, if one of my clerks were to betray, for example, Count Dracula’s trust. Utterly unacceptable. I should insist that such a clerk make a full confession to the count himself. And no doubt the count would deal with the treacherous young ingrate in whatever manner he saw fit.
I do hope that such a course of action won’t be necessary. The count is a good and generous man, but I’m told his temper is fearsome.
Thank you again for your loyal service.
Warmest regards,
Your Wilfred
From the desk of James Andrews, senior filing clerk at Mitchell, Sons and Candy legal practice. Dated 1 October.
Dear Count Dracula,
I hope this message finds you well and you’re settling comfortably in at your new home. Piccadilly is quite beautiful in Autumn, don’t you think?
I am writing on behalf of the legal firm of Mitchell, Sons and Candy, where I work as a file clerk. The firm is delighted to report that the deeds to the six new mansions you recently purchased have been filed and completed. You are now the holder of a thousand-year lease in six of London’s most sought-after locations.
Mitchell, Sons and Candy looks forward to providing you with an efficient, discreet service. We hope this is the beginning of a long and mutually beneficial partnership.
Please do not hesitate to let me know if you have any questions or requests. I have only recently begun my legal studies but I expect to advance in my career within a few years. And I’ve no doubt that, for a man of your vast experience of the world, a few years is a very short time indeed.
I remain, good sir, at your indefinite disposal.
Yours faithfully,
James Andrews
(c) Sarah McDermott, 2019
Sarah McDermott is a copy editor who moonlights in fiction. Her work has appeared on stage as part of Theatre 503’s Rapid Write Response programme & she was recently short-listed for the 2019 Grindstone Literary International Flash Fiction 500 prize.
Rich Keeble recently appeared in The Rebel on Gold (which has not been recommissioned), Warren on BBC1 (which has not been recommissioned), and Porters on Dave (which has not been recommissioned). Based on this track record, let's hope tonight will not be the last ever edition of Liars' League.
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