The Land the World Forgot by Ibar Murphy

Read by Katy Darby - podcast here (5th story)

In Search of Guatelumbia: An Open Appeal to the Global Academic Community

The European colonisation of the Americas is a story riddled with wonder and tragedy. The dark interiors of the New World have long withheld secrets, with rumours of ancient civilisations and great treasures enrapturing adventurous souls from across the ocean.  However in this modern age perhaps the most curious mystery remaining is the case, not of a lost city, but rather an entire country that has eluded the sweeping march of discovery.

Since the mass execution of 37 map-makers in Guatelumbia City’s main plaza in 1702 the small Latin American state of Guatelumbia has been excluded from all globes, atlases and maps.  This is history’s only known instance of plenary cartographical excommunication which was initially imposed by the eminent German map publisher Matthias Seutter, who is believed to have lost two cousins in the tragic event.In a stirring show of professional solidarity the other great cartographical institutions across Europe also adopted the injunction, which has been rigidly upheld to this day.

Thus no officially produced map, either in print or digital format, recognises Guatelumbia, leaving the vast majority of the world’s population completely unaware of its existence.  Incidentally it is rumoured that one of the design leads who initially launched Google Maps is the great, great, great, great granddaughter of Matthias Seutter.

So those who wish to piece together the history of this incredible nation are forced to construct a picture from fragments found strewn across rare and obscure sources.  The following list contains the only published works this author has been able to catalogue which explicitly reference the wondrous country of Guatelumbia.  

Cartography, Treason and Plot – A Revised Analysis of Guatelumbia’s Ongoing Absence from Maps. 

Bugenhagen, W.  1934.  International Journal of Social Geography.  12 78-142.

• Walpurga Bugenhagen’s meticulous research traces the history of Guatelumbia’s exclusion from all forms of geographical records. The early days of Guatelumbian history were characterised by constant border disputes with the Portuguese settlers in modern day Brazil.  Frequent skirmishes would result in shifting of territorial lines on an almost daily basis, rendering maps out of date almost as fast as they were produced.  Any map ceding land to the Portuguese was declared high treason in 1701, leading to the unfortunate events of 1702 referenced above.  Anecdotally, on the same morning the notorious pirate Afonso ‘Blooddrinker’ Fargas was also executed - not, as many assumed, for piracy, but rather because his treasure map was woefully out of date and failed to recognise the significant territorial gains the Guatelumbian militia had made the previous spring.
  
  

Quetzalcoatl’s Trail – A Scholarly Review of the Four Known Expeditions in Search of the Guatelumbian Winged Serpent.

Goikoetxea, T.  1914.  Mythic Herpetology Quarterly Folio. 3 11-32.

• For as long as European settlers have lived in Guatelumbia native stories of the Winged Serpents of the Golozar Basin have captured the imagination of herpetologists across the globe. The four 17^th century expeditions to capture a live specimen have become the stuff of romantic legend as other than the English venture in 1601, none returned.  Goikoetxea produces previously unseen documentary evidence which suggests Gonzalo Soronado’s 1685 party may have been infiltrated by maverick antiquarians who intended to prove the winged serpent is actually the mythical cockatrice referenced by Pliny the Elder in the Naturalis Historiae.  Whilst ultimately inconclusive this would certainly go some way to solving the puzzle of why Soronado’s shipping manifest contained seven Venetian mirrors set upon wheels and three ‘fine-voiced’ roosters.
  
  

The Tumbling Arboreal Cat Canopy of the Orellana Plateau Rainforest.  

McDuff, E.  1962.   Harvard Journal of Geometric Ecology.  27 123-141.

• Ever since the English 1601 expedition in search of the Guatelumbian Winged Serpent got badly lost and stumbled upon an area of jungle in which a species of small kitten-like felines reside in the thick, mist-shrouded layer of treetops, the Tumbling Arboreal Cat Canopy has been a source of fascination for zoologists and mathematicians across the globe. Despite making a playful habit of falling from branch to branch and being unable to climb, the TACs never reach the ground and indeed find themselves back at the higher reaches of the canopy at the end of each day.  Erasmus McDuff makes a powerful case that they follow ‘Escherian Vectors’ and have evolved to fall in a manner defying our present understanding of geometry.  The theory is supported by an unattributed anecdote that one of the TACs was actually transported back to Europe by the expedition as a gift for Queen Elizabeth I on account of its ‘merrie cutenesse’.  The voyage was apparently hit by a great storm and all aboard assumed their passenger had been washed away, only to find it gently napping on top of the main sail two days later.
  
  

‘The Gods Who Laugh at Us’ – Guatelumbia’s Congenital Misfortune.  

Asmodeus, R.  1938.  Nordic Journal of Indo-American Anthropology.  14 232-249.

• Rudolph Asmodeus seeks to critically assess the long held Guatelumbian superstition that the native Quixote peoples carry an ‘unlucky’ gene. The title ‘The Gods Who Laugh at Us’ is a literal translation of the Quixotl word for their pantheon of deities.  The work contains unconfirmed accounts of one tribesman losing 88 consecutive rounds of a game similar to rock, paper, scissors (locally known as rock, bigger rock, even bigger rock as the tribe were devoid of paper and scissors, but had access to a vast array of rocks).  Incidentally the eccentric Professor Asmodeus became something of a cult figure amongst students in his native Iceland, and the country’s 1987 Eurovision entry ‘(Bigger) Rock Me Asmodeus’ is presumed to be an homage to the great academic.
  
  

A Letter Addressed to His Moste Catholic Majesty Ferdinand VI of Spain 1751 from Bernardo De Soto.

– University of Salamanca Catalogue.

• This curious epistle is held in the vaults of Salamanca University. It is written by the third son of a minor Grenadine noble who voyaged to the New World to seek his fortune.  In it he claims to have travelled deep into the Nahotica basin at the heart of Guatelumbia’s unexplored jungle whereupon he met his own soul and indeed the souls of many ‘gentlemen of qualitie’ he knew from home.  He encourages the King of Spain to send an ambassador to the ‘Forest of Souls’ for the ‘greater benefit of all Christendom’ and states that he eagerly anticipates an audience with His Majesty at midday on August 10^th  The letter was dismissed as the ravings of a lunatic and forgotten, until it later transpired that Ferdinand died

at precisely that date and time.  After lengthy consultation with prominent theologians and Papal envoys the University of Salamanca officially declared the letter ‘Res quae non est aliquid’ or a ‘thing which is not a thing’ as it was too hard to explain and the world was best off pretending it didn’t exist.

Forgotten Sails – Did the Ancient Phoenicians Establish A Trading Settlement in Modern Day Guatelumbia? 

Boertian, L.  Boertian Publications Ltd.  1978.

• This extravagantly long and inexplicably profane tome is not considered a credible source, having been declared ‘wholly without merit’ by the academic review panel upon submission as a PhD thesis. Indeed, since the subsequently self-published book concludes the answer to the titular question to be ‘no’, it is very difficult to understand why Boertian felt the need to spend 967 pages furiously debunking a theory that there is no record of anyone ever proposing.
  
  

Dysga Chwarae Anthemau’r Byd

Wynn-Jones, C. Skewen Educational Library Press. 1920

• A very rare Welsh-language schoolbook for teaching piano to children, whose title translates as ‘Learn to Play Anthems of the World’. It contains basic sheet music for 27 national anthems, including an entry for Guatelumbia.  The author’s son Dafydd Wynn-Jones had travelled extensively across Africa and the Americas in his youth, but sadly died at the Battle of Passchendaele in the First World War.  His mother Cerys, who taught music at the local school in Skewen, used his travel notes to produce a very small print run of the book in his memory.  The Guatelumbian anthem page contains no lyrics or notes on the country save for the single line: ‘Daffy loved this melody best from his travels in the Americas’.  Interestingly the tune is almost identical to the first two verses of the 1983 hit ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’.
  
  

Ratatoskr’s Revenge – The Role of Sciurus spadiceus (South American Red Squirrel) In Indigenous Iconography from Pre-Columbian Settlements to Present Day. 

Asklung-Bjornhammer, J.  1974.  Scandinavian Journal of Sub-Equatorial Rodent Studies.  1 1-98.

• The definitive study of the Squirrel Cults of the Amazonian Jungle. Contains a fascinating footnote, spanning 6 pages, which identifies the uncanny frequency with which the deaths of incumbent Guatelumbian heads of state have involved squirrels or squirrel related facets.

1. His Majesty King Roderigo Vicente I, died 1756, choked on a squirrel.
   
   
2. Imperator Joaquin de Alavez, died 1790, mauled by squirrels.
   
   
3. Presidente Cortez La Bamba, died 1834, impact wound to the head from a falling squirrel.
   
   
4. Grand Hierophant Araxntes I, presumed dead 1867, wandered into the jungle claiming ‘the squirrels call me’ and was never seen again.
   
   
5. His Benevolent Excellency General Tito de la Fuente, died 1927, assassinated by a man disguised as a squirrel.
   
   
6. Presidenta Alina Zsofia Gabasa, died 1966. Guatelumbia’s beloved first female president’s death was unremarkable, however on each anniversary since her burial local squirrels have been observed laying acorns at her tombstone in the Cementerio Nacional.
   
   

It is the purpose of this paper to establish a foothold for Guatelumbia in the public consciousness.  Surely these eight cannot be the only sources recognising the existence of such an enchanting land? 

It is the humble request of the author for any as-yet unknown references to be submitted to this journal to be validated, indexed and catalogued. And so a plea is made; to the academic community, to explorers, geographers, travellers, to lovers of truth and knowledge; let us come together to build our understanding of this remarkable country. 

Do not let Guatelumbia remain forgotten; its absence diminishes the world entire.

(c) Ibar Murphy, 2022

Ibar Murphy grew up in Hounslow and has always lived in London.  He works in Programme Management for TfL and writes intermittently in the evenings having taken a short story course a few years ago. A previous story was used by Liars League Hong Kong in 2015, but other than that you have to go back to a 2^ndplace prize in the Year 12 school writing competition for any evidence of creativity.

 

 

Katy Darby won the Ronny Schwartz scholarship to the Oxford School of Drama and has appeared in over 30 productions across the UK. She’s a novelist   & short story writer, Director of Liars' League & has directed several Fringe plays including Time Out Critic's Choice comedy Dancing Bears. She prefers backstage obscurity, but sometimes steps into the limelight.