Liars' League

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy

Read by Lisa Rose (fourth story in podcast, click here to play)

Justin chooses the house; an eighteenth-century cottage with exposed beams and inglenook fireplaces, and an acre of land so thick with trees that it can’t be seen from the road. He wants to be in before Christmas, and though most of the work is done before they move in, they can’t find anyone to fit the wood burners until December. When the workmen finally arrive, they assure Helen it won’t take long, and they’ll tidy up after themselves. She goes to make them tea and when she comes back, she finds the two men crouched on the floor looking at something.

‘Found this up the chimney,’ one says.

Helen leans down to get a better look, then recoils in disgust. ‘Ugh! What is it?’

‘Dead cat,’ the man says.

Trimmings by Mark Barlex

Read by Sarah Barlex (final story in podcast, click here to play)

Am I nervous? Of course. Am I scared? Absolutely. This place has been my life. It’s safe. There’s space to run, and a warm bed at night. I’ve got my friends. And Mr and Mrs Pickford, who look after us all, and are lovely. And there’s lots and lots of food!

Fraser, who eats more than any of us, says it’s the best we’ve ever had.

Terry, who can be difficult, says “Shut up, it’s all we’ve ever had.”

Fraser asks Terry when he’s going to start being nice.

Terry says, “When you stop talking out of your bum-hole.”

How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson

Read by Paul Clarke (second story in podcast, here)

Congratulations on your new HomeGirl^TM Dreamhouse Construction Kit! We at HomeGirl^TM believe it makes the perfect Christmas gift for your young daughter, or perhaps even son! This is the modern age, after all.

Hi! My name’s Jim Bowson, and in this how-to video I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about building your perfect doll’s house. Well, perhaps not perfect. I mean, nothing is perfect. You can get that idea out of your head right away! You are only setting yourself up for bitter disappointment if you expect perfection from anything or anyone. The key thing is to do your best – even if, for certain people, that will never be good enough.

Tinseltown by Niall Boyce

Read by Keleigh Wolf (first story in podcast, here)

Here’s the thing about my line of work: my telephone rings when everyone else’s stops. Times like this: late night, Christmas Eve. Everyone other than me is tucked up in bed or out getting into trouble. I’m listening to carols on the radio and waiting for a call. There’s always a call.

‘Hey, Alex?’ The voice at the other end of the line wasn’t asking. It was gearing up to give orders.

‘That’s me,’ I said, anyway. ‘What can I do for you, Eddie?’

Eddie was the Chief Operating Officer at one of the big studios, which meant he was the fixer when things went wrong with their stars. He had a good reputation; too good, as it turned out. Whenever the reporters saw him show up anywhere, they knew something had gone wrong. So there was a lot of work for independent contractors like me.

A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson

Read by Lucy Mabbitt: listen to podcast here (third story)

The chanting rises to a frenzied, animal pulse, like an Army cadence call, or gorillas booming across humid jungles. “DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT!”

I shudder. They’ve all downed it. And now I’m last one standing. Fists pummel the table, startling the crested cutlery. The tinsel on the ancient, panelled walls trembles. “DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT!”

Wolf-howls, bird-screeches, war-cries. “Come on you pussy!” bellows Pog, rugby-top straining, face red as a beef-tomato. “DOWN IT!”

I raise the stolen traffic-cone, stare into its mixture of mulled wine, cider, curdled eggnog and mashed mince-pie. The name of this unearthly concoction is Santa’s Nutsack.