Read by Rich Keeble (third story in podcast here, at 30:25)
Monday
‘Tobes, the Meedy is flashing differently. Does it mean it’s not working?’
‘Test it.’
‘Who’s the biggest knob head?’
‘I would describe neither of you using that word,’ the flat voice issued. ‘Please charge my battery. Toby, by my calculations, it’s your turn.’
‘Tobes, did you hoover in here the other day?’
He glanced over into the other room at the dark grey pebble with the blinking light and sighed.
‘No, sorry, I got distracted.’
‘I’m just going to check when you last hoovered because I feel like I’ve been doing it more,’ she trailed off.
‘Don’t bothe-’
From the other room, he heard a gentle tinkle and then the calm voice dobbing him in for hoovering less than his girlfriend.
He wandered over and leant in the doorway.
‘I wish you wouldn’t use it like that. It’s supposed to be a mediator to stop arguments, not some … organiser for household chores. We can just do a rota with paper and a pen if you want.’
‘Well, if you remember, most of our arguments were about stuff around the flat anyway.’
‘I don’t think it’s fair to-’
‘The whole point is it is fair. It’s completely objective and it doesn’t take sides.’
‘So why does it have a female voice? It’s like you’re ganging up on me.’
‘Fine, change it, but it can’t be Elvis again if we’re going to take it seriously.’
Wednesday
‘When do you reckon was the last time we defied the Meedy?’ she said as he slumped down on the sofa next to her.
‘Haha.’ He put down his phone as she arranged her legs over his. ‘“Defied” it? It’s not your mum.’
‘It’s definitely not your mum.’
‘Oof. It does always think it’s right though.’
‘It is always right. Unless we just think it is. Are we being, like, conditioned?’
‘What are you talking about? It’s been tested and it’s guaranteed and constantly updated. Plus, for every single decision, we’ve had the option to ignore it.’
‘What if it’s a kind of panopticon gathering data on dissidents?’
‘All right Vocabulary Valerie.’ he chuckled. ‘So, are you saying you have or you haven’t fed the cat?’
‘I’m serious.’
‘Why would they want to do that? Who would want to control these trivial little parts of our lives?’
‘I dunno,’ she paused and frowned.
‘What?’
‘We’re not that boring, are we?’
Thursday
They lay on the sofa watching the screen as she scrolled across the many options for things they could watch. The cat’s tail was flicking but it was purring from a scratch behind the ear.
‘They wouldn’t let us have it if it was dangerous, would they?’
‘Have what? Him?’ He turned towards her and the cat reminded him that the scratching was not finished.
‘Meedy,’ she replied.
‘Oh right. It’s not the Meedy any more. Anyway, who’s they?’ he said, wiggling his fingers in a way that was accepted to mean “spooky”.
She punched him in the arm and the cat disapprovingly hopped off the sofa and up onto the chair.
‘Careful. Meedy might have picked that up.’ he chided.
‘Shut u-up!’
‘OK.’ he said, taking the remote from her. ‘Would you feel better if we read some more reviews, testimonies and things like that to find out more about them?’
‘Good idea. Ooh,’ she interrupted herself, gesturing to the television screen, ‘They’ve put Beyond the Light up - you wanted to watch that, didn’t you? Shall we?’
Friday
‘Did you know that Bunny and Miralda have theirs set on ‘intervene’. Can you believe that?’
‘What does it do?’
‘Miralda says apparently it interrupts arguments before they kick off and says things like “you both have valid points but perhaps there’s a better way to talk about this.”’
‘Ugh, I never want to be like that. Anyway wouldn’t it make more sense to just start beeping and say there was a fire? Or distract them by saying something awful they could unite against?’
‘Heh, maybe, you should have designed it. Those guys seem all right though.’
‘Hmm. Imagine if someone hacked theirs and told them to take the cheap novelty crap they get us for Christmas straight to the charity shop and save us the trouble.’
He rolled slightly to let her extricate herself from him and the sofa.
‘If I wash up do you want to sort out the washing machine?’
He didn’t answer so she pulled his cheek like a granny and flounced into the kitchen.
Saturday
The black and white cat strolled into the room and sat in the middle of the floor, where it started to clean itself.
‘Can you feed him?’
‘I did.’
‘But did you clean the bowls?’
The reassuring voice of Graham Norton emanated from the cat, reminding him to wash up the old bowl when feeding the cat. Then, as if he was aware of what had been said on his behalf, the cat sauntered off into the kitchen, the pebble glistening on his collar.
‘I thought that would be funny putting it on Fish-face but now I hate Meedy, I hate you, I hate the cat and I hate Graham Norton.’
He got up with a deliberately loud grunt.
Sunday
He sighed audibly then she snorted derisively at his sigh. He shook his head and started snickering in a series of sniffs, decreasing in lengths until the end of his exhalation. Then he started the whole thing again from the top. She was fuming next to him.
‘Well, this is embarrassing. I wonder what the Meedy makes of these non-verbal arguments. The cat gets it; at least he knows to give us a wide berth.’
‘So.’
‘So. Are we actually going to get anything done today or just sit and stew? Do you want a juice?’
‘What you making?’
‘I don’t know. Which fruit is the most bitter?’
‘Fine with me, if that’s how you like it.’
In the background, Sean Bean was listing citrus fruits and berries until finally adding ‘Please charge my battery in the next 12 hours.’
‘Ugh. You’re so needy, Meedy.’
Monday
She stood over the bed. He was sitting up with a critically acclaimed graphic novel that he didn’t really get lying face down on his chest.
‘I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong. I just need more reassurance from you about us.’
‘Right. You mean beyond everything else I do?’
‘That’s not what I mean.’
‘So you think I need to put more effort into the relationship than you?’
‘No, I-’
‘That’s not how it works. We’re not just here to do each other’s bidding.’
‘Well, at least I tell you what I want rather than me having to guess.’
‘What are you talking about? I’m pretty easy to figure out. You know what I want.’
‘This again.’
‘I’m not talking about sex.’
‘Good, because Meedy says we’re about 11% more regular than the average couple.’
‘Yuk, who are they?’
‘Babe, we’re in the good half. What are you complaining about?’
‘That’s just a flat statistic. It doesn’t take into account what either of us want.’
‘Do we? Do you?’
‘I’m not getting into this now.’
‘Me neither.’ She paused. ‘Just be thankful it doesn’t have a camera.’
‘I dunno, maybe that could be-’
‘I’m going next door for a bit.’
Tuesday
‘Toby. I don’t think Meedy is working.’
He sighed but didn’t look up from the video on his laptop when she came in.
‘I asked some questions while you were out and now it’s saying –’
‘You did what?’ he said, pressing pause.
‘It’s saying some things that don’t make sense.’
‘I don’t know how I feel about you talking to the Meedy without me.’ he said quietly.
‘Why? Have you never done it?’
He pursed his lips and sighed, still avoiding her eye. A look of terror flashed across her face.
‘What?’
‘You remember when I did that big shop last week?’
‘You used it to make a shopping list?’
‘Well, not exactly like that but –’
‘You are such a loser.’
Wednesday
He crouched down in front of the grey hub and reached to take out the pebble. There was a tinkle as he pressed the rubbery button. A calm voice announced that it was ready to listen.
‘Meedy, how many times has she sworn at me today?’
She had followed him into the front room and was scowling from the doorway.
‘Oh, don’t be such a dick.’
‘Well, you just told me that I was the one that started swearing.’ His knees clicked as he got up.
‘Would you like that portion of the conversation played back?’
‘No!’ they bellowed over each other.
Thursday
He closed the browser on his tablet as she entered the room.
‘What are you up to?’
‘Nothing. Just reading.’
She started moving things around the bedroom in earnest, so he changed the music to something calmer.
‘Apparently these things can be biased.’ he said, trying to sound curious and nonchalant but failing.
‘What things?’
‘Mediat ors. There’ve been all these complaints that they tend to be biased towards the girls in a relationship.’
She tilted her head, brow crossed, then sighed, shaking her head, still holding a towel.
‘It’s always on your side,’ he said, plaintively.
‘What are you talking about? It’s always on your side.’
‘That’s when you don’t believe me on factual stuff. I’m talking about the amount of times I have to concede even though I’m right.’
‘Don’t you think I do that?’ she laughed and stormed out of the room.
After a couple of deep breaths, he got up from the edge of the bed and followed her. Outside the bathroom door he waited, still holding the tablet.
‘Anyway these guys are saying that –’
‘What forums are you reading this on?’
‘Couple of different ones.’
‘Are there any women on there?’ The door opened and she widened her eyes at him for a second then barged past.
‘Ugh. Put the tablet down, you’re like a shitty Steve Jobs launching some shitty new product and you’re even shittier.’
‘Steve Jobs is dead,’ he snorted, throwing the tablet onto the bed.
‘No. You’re dead.’
‘That doesn’t even –’
‘Shi-it. You are. Shi-it!’ she shouted staccato from the kitchen, opening and closing a cupboard loudly without taking anything out.
‘What?’ he mouthed to himself, shaking his head and holding his hands up, appealing to the wall as though it heard what she had said and couldn’t believe it either. ‘Unbelievable,’ he muttered to himself.
Friday
He was taking his shoes off in the hall while she clomped straight into the flat and sat on the sofa with her coat still on.
‘You’re such a dick.’ she huffed, kicking one boot off.
‘What, for pointing something out? He was being really weird with you. And you –’
‘Yeah, well maybe he does fancy me.’ She wrestled her coat off and cast it over a chair, which it slowly and sadly slipped from onto the floor.
‘Right. So why were you –?’ He paused and exhaled into his chest. ‘I’m using the Meedy.’
‘What? In the middle of an argument?’
‘What’s the point of having it then?’
She screwed her face up at the back of him.
‘Do you want some water?’ he asked flatly as he went to the other room.
‘No.’ she said, her mouth still dry from the stolen cigarette.
He came and sat down with her, placing the device on the table in front of them.
‘Well, turn it on then or I’m going to bed.’
‘It’s always kind of on,’ he muttered, holding the button down to select the option they wanted.
‘Who would like to begin?’
They both narrowed their eyes. Arms crossed, she refused to speak. He turned to her.
‘You’re the one with the massive problem with me and now you’re not saying anything.’
‘Sometimes It’s ok not to speak. Do you mind if I ask a few questions?’
‘Piss off,’ they hissed in unison then looked at each other, annoyed. He reached over to turn it off and they sat in silence.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said after a few moments, putting a tentative hand on his. ‘Do you want a mint tea or something and then shall we just go to bed?’
He nodded and flopped his head onto her shoulder.
‘Meedy, do you have any advice for cutting someone toxic out of your life?’
(c) Will Conway, 2023
Will Conway lives, writes and teaches in London. He makes zines, collages and cartoons, as well as writing short stories. His first collection was published by Lazy Gramophone in 2011. He has an ongoing comic series Steak with Marc Olivent and an autobiographical film blog ‘A Life in Film’.
Rich Keeble was previously best known for sitting on a hippo or walking seemingly endlessly in the Topcashback adverts, leading to a large number of Twitter users wishing him dead or to be smashed in the face with a variety of objects. Since then he has played far less hated characters in shows such as Ghosts (BBC1), Murder They Hope (Gold), Trying (Apple TV) and most recently Stonehouse (ITV) opposite Matthew MacFadyen.
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