Read by Lisa Rose - podcast here (4th story)
You must be my eleven o’clock. Step into my office. Hope you didn’t have any trouble finding us. Our dragon should have met you at the drawbridge, but perhaps he's on a smoke break.
People can sometimes get a bit lost in the Forest of Illusion, and I did argue with facilities management about the wisdom of siting the castle entrance next to the Maze of Despair, but in any case, it’s great that you’ve made it here on time, or made it here at all! Many don’t.
Please do take a seat. Just brush those bones onto the floor. Don't worry, those straps on the armrests aren't for you. We used to use that chair for torture, but now it's just for interviews.
May I get you anything to drink? Tea? Coffee? The blood of an unbaptised infant? The last of those is fresh this morning. I’m afraid we’re just out of sugar. But it's sweet enough. No? Well, let's crack on.
We consider ourselves to be a human-centred organisation here at Castle Death. In particular, we’re centred on the defeat and dismemberment of humans and their petty kingdoms. That’s pretty much our mission here.
We’re looking for a dynamic self-starter who’ll hit the ground running, preferably towards and not away from the swords, axes and maces of assaulting armies. Henchman is an entry-level position, but the prospects for the right candidate are very exciting indeed. I started out as a henchperson myself, but I worked hard and my talent for evil was recognised, and that's how I ended up in HR.
We are very proud of our diversity and inclusion here at Castle Death. We have goblins, orcs, bugbears, even a balrog down in the warehouse. You have to be a bit careful of him—flaming temper–but the rest of the gang are very easygoing. We like to say we're a family here at Castle Death. It's not true, of course, our CEO, the Dark Lord, is very much against actual families, something to do with the seventh son of a seventh son. Prophecy you understand. We must prevent it from coming to fruition. It's one of our Key Performance Indicators.
How are you with long hours? Working away from home? Certain death? Certain death pretty much goes with the job. As a henchman, you will be expected to leap into combat with any wandering adventurers with no regard for your own safety, preferably one at a time or in a manner so as not to overwhelm the heroes and cause them to be defeated. Yes, as a strategy it does result in a rather high churn rate for henchmen, but it’s the way we’ve always done it, and organisational change is a slow process. We just don't have the bandwidth for it right now.
You’re a man of few words, eh? I like that. Henchmen don't need to do much talking. Still, some responses would be helpful, just so we can get to know each other. What would you say motivates you? What gets you out of your crypt in the morning? Hatred, malice, a will to dominate all life, perhaps?
Your CV says some of your favourite things are ‘crushing your enemies’, ‘seeing them driven before you’, and ‘hearing the lamentation of their women?’ That sounds promising, although I must say that, as an equal opportunities organisation, we would insist on hearing the lamentation of both men and women. And children. Our CEO loves hearing the lamentation of children. It’s one of his favourite things.
Where do you see yourself in five years? Dead? Undead? If you work hard, throw yourself at enough heroic blades, you could find yourself a member of our prestigious zombie legion in no time at all. From then on, it’s only a matter of time before you’d be a member of the skeleton squad. The only way is up here at Castle Death.
Well, that’s the end of my questions. I should say that the pay is D-I-E. No, sorry, I mean D-O-E. No, wait, I just mean ‘die’. If you ask the Dark Lord for money, you will die. But you do get free room and board, and you’ll be pleased to hear that, although we had some recent supply issues, meat is now back on the menu. There is a vegan option if you'd prefer. Today it's a mossy boulder with a side of gravel. Popular with the stone golems but otherwise there's not much call for it. There are also opportunities for hybrid working, chiefly with our teams of chimeras, manticores and minotaurs.
So, all that remains is the tour. Let me show you around Castillo Death!
These steps lead to the dungeon. There should really be a guard here at all times. I will have to report that. A quick note on our disciplinary procedure: gross misconduct will result in summary execution; for more minor transgressions you will receive just a verbal warning in the first instance. Although in this case the verbal warning will be a death curse, so you will die shortly after receiving it. It's very much a one strike and you're condemned to a painful and grisly demise policy. Quite old school in that sense. Careful of the blood on the steps here. It’s slipperiest when it’s fresh.
We usually have five or six captives down here at any one time in various states of excruciating pain. We are blessed with a wide range of modern torture devices following a recent pain procurement programme here at the dungeon. We have gibbets, a rack, a wheel, an iron maiden, a brazen bull, a scavenger’s daughter, a lazy Susan and a dumb waiter. I’m not familiar with those last two, but our executioner assures me they are agony. Talking of our executioner, he was supposed to be here. Must be on his break. I suppose he took the prisoners with him. Field trip, perhaps.
Anyway, over here is the barracks. This is where you’ll be sleeping when not on campaign against the races of men. It’s a bit dark, but you should be able to get an idea of the facilities. We offer fresh straw twice a year and after two years of service you will get your very own slop bucket. It’s a fun crowd; usually they’d be up till the small hours swigging mead and pulling the limbs off small children, but everyone appears to have gone to bed early tonight. Must say, I’ve never seen them sleep in piles on the floor like that. Long day, I guess. We are a hard-working, dynamic team here at Castle Death. Everyone really gives it their all.
Up here are the battlements. We’ve recently had these refurbished. These merlons here are best in class. Be careful of the gaps between them. In the past, we have had some issues with guards falling to their deaths, which had a negative impact on our staff retention rates. I was about to say we have had twenty-eight days without fall-based fatalities, but it looks like quite a few have gone over the side tonight. Well, that just creates more vacancies for new blood to join the team!
Moving along, this door here leads to the treasure chamber. I can’t show you inside as it's kept locked at all times and the key is held by the Dark Lord himself. Among the prizes inside are the Crown of Kings, the Rings of Power, the Sword of Khaine, the Eye of Vecna, and all our office supplies. The Dark Lord likes to keep a tight rein on stationery costs.
Oh, it’s open … I suppose he must have been in recently and forgotten to lock it. Anyway, moving on.
Here is the last stop on our tour, the eyrie. This is the highest point in the castle and very exposed, so watch your footing! The minions here are rocs and harpies. My sister is head harpy and was recently appointed vice-president of aerial murder and executions.
I know what you're thinking, my sister must be all feathers and talons and then here’s me with my hundreds of eyes and oozing tentacles—not much family resemblance. She takes after our mother, the Queen of the Harpies, while I am much more like our father, the Grand Shoggoth of Yar. What can I say, opposites attract.
What's that? You and your brothers all look alike. How many did you say you had? Six? And all older you say? And, just out of interest, how many uncles …? Oh, so many! I see. Is that a magic sword you have there by any chance? Yes, thought so. The glowing runes are a dead giveaway.
Well, thank you for your application. I’m not sure the henchman position is the best fit for you, and I'm afraid we won't be taking it any further at this time, but do feel free to apply to any other roles you think may be suitable. We don’t have any openings for heroes, but have you considered being a festering corpse? A decapitated head? A pile of picked-clean bones? I see many such opportunities in your future.
Guards! Guards! Seize him!
Ah yes. I forgot. There are no guards left, are there? You weren’t lying when you said you were conscientious. I am doubting your claim to integrity, however.
How about we take this offline, you and I? Touch base in a few moons? I mean, perhaps you might be prepared to show mercy? Yes, I may be a shambling cosmic horror responsible for the torture and murder of thousands of innocents, but give me a chance: I can change! Truth is, I’ve been quiet quitting for years. And the days of having a job for life are long gone, after all. With a bit of downtime I could reskill, perhaps in a year or two I could have a career in cyber!
Or perhaps not. Perhaps death is the better option. Come at me then, let’s get this over with.
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