Read by David Mildon (final story in podcast, at 1h 27m 40s)
Life #1
My mother chased after some alleycat purring like a little slut. She abandoned me in a parking lot. I walked around mewing like the little idiot I was. A Humvee rolled in & over me. That's when I learned what I looked like inside-out.
Ghost
In the Old Lady's living room, I pawed at the little plastic ball filled with my catnip. The nip inside had dried into crisp, shrivelled, brown leaves. Probably not even a split second of a high in there. I swatted at the ball again, and it rolled a few inches. The leather couch was covered in scratches. It's not my fault the Old Lady never got me a scratching post. I had needs.
"No, no, no. Give that back," I said.
"She can't hear you, moron. You're dead," said Bird from his perch on top of the lampshade. He shook his plumage and squawked. His head was lined up wrong, like the hand of a clock pointed to 7 instead of 12. Bird looked delicious.
"You're dead, too," I said.
The Old Lady started cleaning out the refrigerator, throwing away rotten leftovers. She shoved a whole chicken carcass into the trash can.
"Love birds never truly die. We just wait to be reunited with our other half," Bird said.
"I know where you can find her," I said. "In here." I put a paw on my belly.
"I hate you," Bird said.
The Old Lady went into her bedroom, probably for a nap.
Dog, who was still living, knocked over the trash can and began scrummaging through its contents.
"Don't do it. You just can't help yourself, can you?" I said to Dog. His ears perked up, and he looked around momentarily before continuing his forage. He chomped on a chicken leg, splintering the bones into dozens of pieces.
Life #5
I thought I was tough shit. Pieces of my ear got torn off in multiple fights to establish my dominance. I reigned over the whole universe, a vast space stretching from Fourth Street to Sixth Avenue. That's when the dogs came. The biggest had me in its jaws, shaking me from side to side. A calm washed over me.
So this is how those birds felt.
Ghost
"WHAT HAPPENED?" Dog asked. I liked him better when he couldn't talk to me.
"You choked on chicken bones," I said. "I told you not to do it."
"I COULDN'T HEAR YOU," Dog said.
"Now you're both dead," Bird said.
"I'm not really dead. I still have lives left," I said.
"Then why aren't you alive?" Bird asked.
"Paperwork issue. Cat heaven bureaucracy. They'll get around to me eventually."
"Whatever," Bird said.
"Once I figure out how to climb, I'm going to go up there and eat you again."
"I CAN GET UP THERE," Dog jumped and paddled through the air. He swam up to the lampshade and circled it.
"No, that's impossible, how can you do that?”
"He's a ghost. Ghosts can fly," Bird said.
"WATCH ME, CAT."
"But, why can't I?" I leaped into the air. No flight. Just falling. "It must be because I still have lives left."
If Dog can fly, then it’s time to get out here and find some more catnip.
Life #8
I admit it: I've played with my food. Sometimes, I catch a little mouse in my paws and keep it there alive for hours, letting it escape and think it had a chance to live, only to pounce on it again.
Am I psychotic? I don't think so. Sure, I've left some of my victims for the Old Lady. She explained them away as presents. They weren't.
They were threats.
Anyway, some humans are more like cats. Once, on a rooftop, a boy had me cornered at the edge. He laughed, holding a pair of scissors. Last time, he lured me with catnip. I wouldn't fall for it this time.
I backed up and stood on the ledge. "Here, kitty, kitty," he said.
I meowed and hissed. "Bastet curse you. I will have out your eyes."
He moved closer, a smile on his face. I jumped off the roof several stories up.
You know how they say cats always land on all fours? That time, I didn’t.
Ghost
"Let's go," I said, strutting to the pet store. "This is it." Dog walked through the glass door, but I waited until a human opened it before I scooted in.
"Let's be quiet. We don't want to spook these idiots."
Cages and aquariums lined the walls. Most of the animals waited for their next masters in silent sedation.
"OKAY," Dog barked. The living animals growled, yipped, chirped, and made every other noise they were capable of.
I hissed at Dog. "Quick, to the back."
The door to the office and storage area was open a smidge. I went in there to search for a catnip toy. I found a pile of them.
Oh, sweet bliss.
"HEY, CAT, LOOK," Dog said.
Buzzed, I hardly cared, but I still managed to look over. A ghost human, a girl, you might say, sat at a computer. Just sitting there.
She was not at kitten stage any more, but not fully grown either. It's only a few months in a cat's life, but it seems to last forever in humans. The human god must be cruel.
Dog sat in her lap, and she petted him with a smile. I stumbled over and rubbed against her leg, purring. Hey, I was in a good mood for once.
"How'd you die, human kitten?" I asked her.
"Got sick," she said. She kept petting Dog and never looked up. I died from an illness once. I felt bad for her.
"Sorry to hear that," I said.
Then, a loud chirp. I looked up to see another lovebird. Bird Two.
"Oh, Bird Two. What are you doing here?"
"What do you care, monster?" she asked. After a moment, she couldn't keep it to herself anymore. "I'm waiting for my love."
"Oh, he's back with the Old Lady."
"That idiot. I told him to meet me here after we died. How could he forget something like that?"
I shrugged. "Males."
"MALES," said Dog.
Girl shrugged. "Boys."
"Well, thanks for telling me," Bird Two flew away.
"Sorry for eating you," I said. I wasn't, really.
I opened up the rest of the catnip toys and had a wonderful time, but the stuff wears off quickly.
"Hey, human. Know where I can get more nip?" I asked.
"Sure, there's a warehouse just outside town," she said.
"How do you know that?" I didn't want to waste my time on a wild nip chase.
"This is my Mom's store," she gestured toward some pictures. In one, the girl posed with a woman. In another, she was lying in bed without any hair.
I peeked into the front room. The same woman stood behind a cash register, her face drooping with a frown.
I thought about Girl. Such a shame for her to die before the prime of her life. No kittens of her own. I had kittens once.
I rubbed against the girl's leg again and purred. "Say, take us to the warehouse, eh?"
"Sure," she said. "Why not?"
It took a while to get there, but there was one perk to unlife: time didn't matter.
The warehouse had a single door with nobody coming in or out. No open windows. It had a large white garage door for trucks to load and unload. Dog floated into the warehouse and told me, "THERE'S A BIG BOX OF NIP." Thanks, Dog.
I had to get in. A delivery truck pulled up, and a man got out but left the engine running.
Thank you, Bastet, for this battering ram.
Girl moved the gear shift from park into drive. Dog sat below on the brake. I held the wheel.
This would work.
"Ready?" I asked.
"How do you know how to drive?" Girl asked.
"Old Lady likes TV," I said.
"READY," Dog said.
"Now," I said.
Dog hopped onto the gas pedal. I swerved the wheel and turned toward the garage door. We crashed through, sending the door and boxes everywhere.
One of the crates contained bags and bags of catnip. I almost dove right in, but somehow I managed to control myself. I had to do this right. It might be my only opportunity to have this much nip in one sitting.
"All right, Girl. Open all those bags and pour it into the crate. Let me know when you're done."
"Um, okay," Girl said.
I was glad to have a new slave.
"Are you sure you can't overdose on this?" Girl asked.
"I'm willing to find out."
I climbed up some nearby crates and looked down into the beautiful green mound of nip, and then ... I jumped.
Something you need to know about nip. It works just by smelling it. As I neared the catnip, time slowed to a halt. I froze in midair while Girl and Dog just stared at me, unmoving. Oh, I was higher than I'd ever been. I couldn't feel my paws any more but knew they'd quintupled in
size. I wasn't a cat. I was a lion, king of all animals. My prey offered me their young, but I demanded a chase.
I hunted them through the tall grasses and forests, my paws moving silently through dry, crunchy leaves. I pounced on them in the snow and laughed, their flesh staining the wintry landscape crimson. I feasted on a thousand animals before I met Bastet herself. She stood before me on the plains, a giant black panther with a mane of fire. The sun set behind her in a glorious explosion.
"I'm dead, aren't I? I overdosed," I said.
"You can't overdose on catnip," Bastet said. She licked her whiskers as if preparing for a meal. "I'm here about that 9th life of yours."
"Yes?"
"I've decided to grant it to you, even though you didn't land on your feet that one time."
"That's ... good ... great," I said.
But I looked around. I looked at my thousands of prey. I looked at my own huge paws. I felt myself roar instead of meow. "Is this heaven?"
"For cats, yes," Bastet said.
I thought about Girl and her mother. I thought about how much life she had left to live and how many lives I’d already had.
"Suppose ... suppose that I could transfer a life. Could you give my life to the human girl I was with?"
"Yes," Bestat said. "I can do that."
"Dog too?"
"Sure, what is a dog's life compared to a cat?"
"Good point. I agree. Can I just go back and say goodbye?"
Life #9
"CAT," Dog said. Again, this is probably the worst voice to wake up to. I lay outside the crate.
"I just got so high that I saw a god."
"CAT, YOU'RE ALIVE," Dog said.
I looked at my paws. Instead of ethereal black and white, my fur had returned to its normal shades. The color began to drain out of me slowly while Dog and Girl solidified.
"CAT?"
"You've got a second chance, Dog. Don't waste it on another dumpster dive."
Girl looked at her hands in awe. "How?"
"Don't thank me yet. You've got life problems now," I said.
The delivery truck driver walked into the warehouse and pointed at Girl. "You! What the hell happened?"
I laughed and then began floating into the air, higher and higher.
"BYE, CAT."
"So long, Dog."
After Life
Now, I spend my time in tree branches, stalking birds. I chase down water buffalo with my pride. My kittens surround me and tug at my ears but leave me alone when it's time to nap.
Oh, and there's catnip.
Never-ending fields of catnip.
(c) Joshua James Jordan, 2024
Joshua James Jordan ditched literary seriousness for goblins & lasers. His YA novel Unleashed is out, & you can find more at JoshuaJamesJordan.com. Catch him slaying dragons (or dice) on RPG podcasts like Tales of Bob.
David Mildon's theatre credits include “Henry Wicks” in Leaves (Jermyn St), “Mugsy” in Dealer’s Choice (Trafalgar), “Ed” in Consent (Harold Pinter) “Romeo” in Romeo & Juliet (International Tour) “Hamlet” in Hamlet (Principal) & “Tony Blair et al” in Dom (Other Palace). A Liar Emeritus, David has read for Radio 4, the British Library & the French Institute. He’s a member of Equity & AFHR.
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