Liars' League

My favourite Christmas story: Mike Clarke on Posy Simmonds's "Cassandra Darke"

My Christmas story is both very new and very old.

It’s new because the book, Cassandra Darke by Posy Simmonds, was only published on 1^st November this year (sorry, only a few sample pages can be found online). It’s old because it’s inspired by (if not a faithful reworking of) the classic seasonal story, Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol.

Cassandra Darke is also a graphic novel. Actually, novel might be pushing it a little as, at under 100 pages, it can be read in the time it would take a long short story. But it is told mostly with pictures – and wonderful ones they are too.

Cassandra herself is a curmudgeon on a par with Ebenezer Scrooge – a wealthy septuagenarian West London art gallery owner. She’s as mean towards others as Dickens's protagonist, but her solitary Sloane Square existence is considerably more indulgent – she has a cook (whom she reprimands for being “heavy handed with the dill”) and polishes off bottles of Chateau Haut Brion during weekday dinners.

My Favourite Seasonal Story: Rachel Karyo on Shelley Jackson's "Snow"

Rachel Karyo writes: This short story is written in snow, one or two words at a time, photographed, and then published on Instagram. Shelley Jackson has been writing “Snow” (now in its twelfth sentence) since 2014. The story is still in progress.

William H. Gass writes that when we read works by authors such as Kafka, Beckett, Barth, and Borges, it’s “as if we’d stepped into a two-pound puddle of mirror glass and come out as wet as Alice.” This is how it feels to read a Shelley Jackson short story.

Her prose is graceful, playful, inventive, and poetic. An example: “There are snows made of clock faces and circular slide rules, of maps to undiscovered countries, of the shattered breath clouds of those who have cried out for help unheard on a clear winter day.” I love the beautiful strangeness of “shattered breath clouds,” the paradox of the map, those unexpected, evocative, analogue objects, and the music of the sentence, its consonance and repetition.

My Favourite Christmas Story: Mark Sadler on Saki's (H. H. Munro's) "Reginald on Christmas Presents"

Reginald, the narrator of this short meditation on unwanted seasonal gifts, wastes absolutely no time at all in stating that he does not want a "George, Prince of Wales" Prayer-book as a Christmas present. In this opening sentence Saki uncannily identifies a trend that has endured for over a century since the story was first published. The author was a casualty of the battle of Ancre in 1916, where he fell prey to a sniper's bullet, and sadly did not live to see the better world that followed the war, where no-one would ever think of gifting a loved one a copy of a "George, Prince of Wales" Prayer-book without being expressly asked to do so.

Equally enduring is Reginald's account of the dread that accompanies the arrival of a tie from a well-meaning, country-dwelling, female relative - “some spotted horror that you could only wear in secret or in Tottenham Court Road”. As with the "George, Prince of Wales" Prayer-book, the undesirable nature of such a gift is as relevant in 2018 as it was when these words were first committed to paper.

Christmas event: NAUGHTY & NICE at The Albany on Tue Dec 11th

We made our list, we checked it twice ... and here are the winning stories which were read at our tinsel-tastic Christmas show NAUGHTY & NICE (click for Facebook event) on Tuesday December 11th, downstairs at The Albany, Great Portland Street. We had seasonal shoplifting, sexy sourdough, kidnapped presents, one VERY naughty little girl and what happens when Santa meets the Special Forces ...

UPDATE: All the videos from the night are now up on our Naughty & Nice YouTube playlist and the texts and podcast will be online very soon. 

WINNING STORIES for NAUGHTY & NICE

Christman's Present by Lauren van Schaik NEW AUTHOR - read by Lois Tucker

 

Santa: Judgement Day by Dennis Zaslona NEW AUTHOR - read by Rich Keeble

    

Mr Cromerty of Boston by Richard Smyth - read by David Mildon

 

The Man who brought Gold by Mark Sadler - read by Sophie Cartman

 

Gluten Tolerant by Mike Clarke - read by Amy Neilson Smith
 

As usual, doors open at 7pm for a 7.30 start and tickets are £5 on the door (cash only, sorry, but there is a cashpoint across the street). Drinks and food will be available at the bar, though there are also free sweets and the infamous interval quiz features fabulously festive books to be won! There's no pre-booking, but tables for four or more can be reserved by calling 07808 939535.

The venue is the downstairs bar at:

The Albany
240 Great Portland Street
London W1W 5QU

St John's, 23rd December - Forgiveness by Anna Savory

St John's - Forgiveness MP3

Read by Paul Clarke

Welcome. Welcome, everyone, to St John's. And, goodness, look at you all! It’s heartening, really it is, to see so many faces here tonight. If there’s one thing I’ve realised in the past few weeks it’s that there’s nothing like Christmas to wake that latent religious urge, which in many of you has lain dormant at all other points in the year. Why, only in September I was stood in the Bishop’s living room expressing doubts about our dwindling congregation, and what did he tell me? He told me to have a little faith.

‘Don’t worry, David,’ he said, like the Lord addressing Thomas ‘Don’t fear. Just you wait until midnight fucking mass, it’s like the bloody Hammersmith Apollo.’ Famously obscene our Bishop, one of his many charming quirks. But indeed, how right he was! Attendance tonight is gratifying and I can only assume it signals a sea-change in the spiritual direction of this parish, which I trust will continue long, long into the new year.

It Never Snows at Christmas by Peter Higgins

It Never Snows at Christmas MP3

Read by Gloria Sanders

‘Every year, she comes, and every year it’s the same.  “Have you been on holiday, Laura?”  “Yes. Greece, actually.”  “Greece?  Really?”.’

‘Esme.’

‘“Oh, and I’ve brought you a bottle of Greek wine.”  “Oh, Laura, you shouldn’t have.”’

‘Phoebe!’

‘It tastes like wee.’

‘How would you know?’

‘Girls, please stop bickering, please.  Greek wine does not taste like wee.’

Flitter by Emma Hutton

Flitter MP3

Read by Annalie Wilson

Maggie didn’t think the snowman would punch back. The others hadn’t. Their heads had just rolled off and landed with a thud that made her hate the night a little less. But he landed a hook on the jaw that sent her body to the ground.  

‘Weren’t expecting that, were you?’

‘Jesus!’ 

‘Nope. Not Jesus.’

She stared up at two lumps of coal and clicked her jaw back into place.

Strange Heart by Jean Rover

Strange Heart MP3

Read by Max Berendt

For the most part, Dave kept his mother in his closet except on her birthday when he would set her on the fireplace mantel so she could get some sun.

Now Miriam, his sister, was going to spoil all that.

For Dave, a mild-mannered, bespectacled high school history teacher, life was going along at an even pace. Then, he met Sharon. Last month, he turned forty and planned to marry her in December.

That’s when Miriam had jumped in. “It’s time,” she announced in her matter-of-fact way via a telephone call from her condo in the Deep South. “No bride in her right mind wants her mother-in-law’s ashes hanging around, especially at Christmas.”

The Corollary Museum by Joel Blackledge

The Corollary Museum MP3

Read by Louisa Gummer (MVP Acting, 2017)

Welcome. Gather round. Gather round, please. Good. Ahem.

If one person were to spend one minute looking at each item in the British Museum’s permanent collection, it would require a visit of 15 uninterrupted years. To do the same in the labyrinthine halls of The Corollary Museum would take almost a century.

But don’t worry - today I will show you just some of the Museum’s catalogue. Please stay together and don’t touch the items. If you have a question then please speak loudly, I’m older than I look.

The Museum was founded by Porfirio Maldonado Jambrina, to house the private collection of objects he acquired on his extraordinary travels. How can one man have collected so much?

Christmas event: SACRED & PROFANE (and post-show Xmas party!) Tuesday 5th December at The Wheatsheaf, Rathbone Place

From swearing vicars to Yuletide arson, via a museum of sacred & profane marvels, awkward Christmas visits and belligerent snowmen, our Christmas event at The Wheatsheaf is a mouthwatering selection box of short story goodness! Click here for the Facebook event & let us know if we'll see you there.

WINNING STORIES for SACRED & PROFANE

Strange Heart by Jean Rover *NEW AUTHOR* 

Flitter by Emma Hutton *NEW AUTHOR*

Forgiveness by Anna Savory

The Corollary Museum by Joel Blackledge 

It Never Snows at Christmas by Peter Higgins

Plus!
- Mince pies!
- Crackers!
- A stockingful of festive fiction to win in our Christmas book quiz!

Because the Wheatsheaf is more intimate than our usual venue, tickets are STRICTLY LIMITED to 40 and cost £10 (which, please note,  includes a complimentary glass of prosecco). As usual, actors & authors who have been featured in 2017 get to drink for free, so it's well worth the price of admission if you are one of those ...

 

Tickets can be bought in cash on the door (if there are any left) or, preferably, in advance by donating £10 (or £20 for 2 tickets, etc.) via the Paypal Donate button on the right ------> and including under "add a note" your name and the number of tickets you require, eg NICHOLAS CLAUS, 2 TICKETS.

 

NB individual seating is first come first served - so best to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good seat. (Accessibility details: access to the upstairs bar is via stairs - there's no lift, alas.)

 

PLEASE NOTE CHANGE OF VENUE FOR DECEMBER ONLY!

 

The Christmas venue is upstairs at:

The Wheatsheaf
25 Rathbone Place
London W1T 1JB

Nearest tubes Tottenham Court Road (5 min - Central/Northern lines), then Goodge Street (7 min - Northern Line)

The Gift by Michael Mann

Read by Most Valuable Player (Acting) 2016, Jim Cogan (Full podcast here)

Snowmen, with top hats, making jazz hands. 

Is this really what Christmas has come to?  The snowmen seem to think so.  Their black button-eyes are grinning, and they’re practically crawling all over the wrapping paper.

I look at the paper again.  It’s cheap, but folded precisely.  The sellotape is smudgeless and cut with scissors.  I know who did this.  There’s only one person this neat in my family. 

But I don’t look up.  Instead, I feign ignorance and weigh it in my hands. Rule number one of Secret Santa: stretch out the suspense.  So I shake it, I “hmmm” and I squeeze it in my fingers.  It’s firm but gives slightly.  A book of some sort, but thin and almost the length of my arm. Too big to sit on any respectable coffee table that I know of. 

I use my nails and rip a thin, tapering slit.  It’s barely off when my brother says, “I know what it is.”

Christmas Star by Sherry Morris

Read by Josie Charles (Full podcast here)

‘I wouldn’t like to mention this,’ Mrs Henderson from next door said to my mom, ‘but your Christmas decorations are a bit too…non-standard this year. I’m not sure the neighbourhood appreciates it.’ It was clear the nosy busy-body did like mentioning it, couldn’t wait, in fact, and had most likely been sitting at the window for some time, twitching the curtains back and forth in anticipation of Mom’s arrival. She hadn’t even reached the house when Mrs Henderson pounced.

‘Non-standard?’ Mom said and looked around the yard. There was a lot going on: six Santas, several sets of reindeer, rows of candy canes, armies of elves, circles of snowmen, plus two full-sized inflatable snow globes containing waddling penguins. There was even a nativity set complete with wise men and camels, though we weren’t particularly religious. ‘It’s what Jesus would do,’ my brother Kenny said.

The Gospel According to St Hamleys the Elf by Alan Graham

Read by Paul Clarke (Full podcast here)

In the beginning there was the Word. And the word was Santa.

And Santa stared out into the dark, cold void and bellowed “Let There Be Christmas”, and there was.

And on the first day of Christmas, Santa created the Heavens, the Earth and “Hungry, Hungry Hippos”, the Greatest of All the Christmas Presents.

And on the second day He created us Elves, to serve Him. Then he fashioned the North Pole as a place for us to live. Which was kind and mighty of Him. Even if the place was a bit cold.

On the third day He created Toys, and also Parents to be the giver of Toys. And those first parents, in gratitude at their creation, invented giant barrels of Sherry to thank the Mighty Santa.

The fourth day, sadly, was a write-off because the Mighty Santa had the mother of all hangovers.

Tigg Montague's Ponzi Pyramid Scheme by Liam Hogan

Read by Clive Greenwood

He counted the stack of coins on his desk, sorting them as he did. The larger piles were a dull brown, some tinged with green: copper farthings, halfpennies, and pennies; all well used. Of silver coins there were few, of half-crowns there was but one. Carefully, he noted the total in his ledger and then, leaning back, rubbed a bony hand across his chin and sighed. It was going to be a thin Christmas.

The chests that had taken so long to fill had taken a far shorter time to empty. True, the contents were technically out on loan and the repayment of even a small part would make him financially assured. But that wasn't the way it worked: what little came back went straight out again, the need far greater than his reserves. As for interest; none of the poor he lent to were in a position to pay even a penny in the pound. There was, it seemed, no profit in being good. Ebenezer Scrooge had a serious cash flow problem.

Christmas with the In-Laws by Quintin Forrest

Read by Robert Welling (Full podcast here)

In the days leading up to the announcement, I found myself watching a lot of cartoons. The dilemma of the Roadrunner; what would Wile E Coyote do, if he ever caught the bird? What would give his life meaning, without the chase? I guess this is something a lot of chaps think about. No more death traps or explosions.

Thoughts of an idle man, though. By this point in our relationship, it was no secret to the UK public that Delilah and I were to be married in June. That this would be the next royal wedding, England flags all over the shop, and there was nothing I could do. That even if I'd run off to Bolivia, or somewhere with no extradition treaty, it would be no escape from my obligations to Delilah, and her son, little Elton.

Christmas event: LIGHT & DARK, Tuesday 13th Dec at The Lamb

We're delighted to announce that our seasonal soiree, Light & Dark on Tuesday 13th December (click for link to Facebook event) will take place in the elegantly refurbished Empire Bar at The Lamb pub in Bloomsbury - a venue which has many happy associations for us, since it's where the very first Liars' League was held, waaay back in 2007. (Address details at bottom of page).

This year we've got it all: elves, Secret Santa, obscene Christmas lights, Ebenezer Scrooge, estranged relatives and a really, REALLY awkward Christmas dinner, so let trumpets sound, gnomes laugh and little drummer boys drum! Our six Christmas crackers are:

WINNING STORIES FOR LIGHT & DARK

The Gift by Michael Mann *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Jim Cogan
Winter Sun by Miranda Gold *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Lois Tucker
Christmas Star by Sherry Morris, read by Josie Charles
Christmas with the In-Laws by Quintin Forrest
Tigg Montague's Ponzi Pyramid Scheme by Liam Hogan, read by Clive Greenwood
The Gospel According to St Hamleys the Elf by Alan Graham, read by Paul Clarke

We'll be there, the actors and authors will be there, and the Ghost of Christmas Present(s) has RSVP'd - but if you want to make sure YOU will get in on the night we are, for the first time, taking ticket bookings (and payments) in advance. This is because the Lamb can only take 50 people tops in its upstairs bar, bijou and cosy as it is, so we have to limit the numbers.

Want in on the fun? Great! To book your ticket please send £5 via PayPal to liarsleague@yahoo.co.uk, and mark your payment XMAS plus your name. (You can also click the yellow Donate button to the right of this page - either way is fine). If you pay more we'll book the relevant number of tickets: £10 buys 2, £15 buys 3 and so on. Price includes a programme, all the mince pies you can scoff, and entry to our super bumper infamous festive book quiz (which in the spirit of seasonal excess features TEN fabulous festive books to win). 

Tickets are STRICTLY LIMITED to a maximum of 50 for the Christmas event so please book early! UPDATE: 2/3 of the tickets have gone already - buy buy buy!

NB: If you don't manage to nab a ticket but fancy hanging out with us anyway (and eating the rest of the mince pies) the afterparty from 9.30pm is FREE and we'd love to see you there!

Doors open at 7pm for a 7.30 start and if there are any tickets left they'll be £5 cash on the door. If you've booked tickets in advance please ensure you arrive by 7.30 as otherwise we may give your place to people on the waiting list/in the queue. 

We're really looking forward to this one, so come along and jingle our bells. Those details in full:

CHRISTMAS EVENT: LIGHT & DARK

Tuesday 13th December @ 7pm for 7.30, £5

 

The Lamb, 94 Lamb's Conduit Street

Bloomsbury, London WC1N 3LZ

Tube: Russell Square (5 minute walk)

Map here

 

Christmas Presence by Alan Graham

Christmas Presence MP3

Read by Max Berendt 

“Oh dearie – this is for your birthday and Christmas.”

Lee smiled awkwardly at his nan as she waved a parcel at him. This was just typical of her, the tight old crone. Boxing Day was a completely distinct day to the twenty-fifth – there was no reason at all why she couldn’t fork out for two different presents.

“Thanks Nan,” he replied, as sincere as he could make it. And just when he felt he couldn’t get any more disappointed, he unwrapped his present to reveal a hideous itchy blob of an oversized woollen jumper.

 

 

Maryam's Prayer by Abigail Lee

Maryam's Prayer MP3

Read by Lois Tucker 

The first month, she prays for blood. She knows she ought to pray for God's forgiveness, for her own salvation, for the stain of sin to be wiped from her soul: for all the things that had meant nothing when the angel stood before her. But Maryam tells herself that if her monthly blood comes, it will be a sign that God has forgiven her. And so she prays.

 

A Flawless Campaign by James English

A Flawless Campaign MP3

Read by Silas Hawkins

The Christmas party was next Saturday, and already the caterers had spent two days in consultation, trialling menus and ordering new kitchen equipment. The run-up to the announcement of Mr. Kingsley’s campaign for Town Manager had been flawless, but now their foolish son was threatening to wreck it all.

“He’ll go to jail for this,” Mr. Kingsley said to his wife, who was ashen.

 

Yule Never Walk Alone by Jim Cogan

Yule Never Walk Alone MP3

Read by Carrie Cohen & Louisa Gummer

Most people call me Dum. Even though it’s not my name, and I’m anything but. 

I have my sister to thank for that. I always thought the older one was supposed to torment the younger. But not in our case. My name used to be Dominique, you see. Until one day it wasn’t.