Liars' League

Humbug by Ian Aikman

Read by Magnus Rook

My name is Tiny Tim and I hate Christmas. Now I know what you’re thinking: not so tiny any more! But, if you ask me, that nickname was always unfair. It started when I was eight years old — who isn’t tiny at that age?

It was my Uncle Scrooge who first called me that. He’s not my uncle, he’s my dad’s boss. And after eight years of not paying us enough to afford food, he rocked up on Christmas Day 1843 with the biggest turkey I’ve ever seen. That was a weird Christmas. Surely your dad’s boss is the last person you want to see curled up by the fire singing ‘Little Drummer Boy’.

Uncle Lewis by David Mathews

Read by Gloria Sanders

Dylan Thomas said, ‘There were always Uncles at Christmas. The same Uncles.’

‘Davy won’t want it green again, Cerys,’ says my Mam. ‘Yellow? You liked it when it was yellow, yes?'

‘And Uncle Lewis’s favourite,’ I say, all jolly. But Mam looks away quick, and I wish I’d shut up.

My Uncle Davy cooks. I don’t mean at home, where he does it all, Uncle Cledwyn being handless in the kitchen. I mean on Boxing Day at our place, where he mixes and bakes, marinades and roasts every mouthful we and my uncles eat. It is awesome. Mam and I scrub the kitchen spotless for him, and every few years we paint it.

Snowy by Jonathan Weil

Read by David Mildon

‘Snowy.’

The voice was right in his ear, snapping him out of the grey half-dreaming zone that he’d drifted into while walking. Her voice. It could have been a comment on the conditions – the snow, the moonlight, the country road flat white – but he knew better. She hadn’t called him Snowy in ages. The sound of it brought back a memory, years ago, curled up in her single bed in the Catford flat, she stroking his hair, Snowy … Snowy … Snoooowwwyyyy … softly, over and over. And then that little laugh she used to do: soft and private, barely exiting her body, sweet with tenderness and regret …

The Wreath Thief by Amy Eddings

Read by Tony Bell

It is December, the death-rattle of the year, and the weather grim and wild, as two bone-chilled travellers stumble into a lonely village tavern in search of rest, ale, and cheer. The Holly Inn is warm and dry, but also ancient and near-empty; a solitary old man mutters to himself beside the great open hearth. One traveller remarks quietly to the other that this would be a splendid place to set a ghost-story ...

Some Apology by Lianne Warr

Read by Paul Clarke

Look. I’ve had some time to think. And what it is … what it is, is that I don’t feel good about what I did, all right? I know it’s probably not enough, not now, not after all these years and everything that happened. Yet I have to say it, or I’ll never rest. I don’t think this is how an apology should be going, to be honest with you. It should be about you, shouldn’t it? Not about me unburdening myself. But isn’t that the point of apologies? To feel less rotten about oneself? Pretty selfish, come to think of it! How am I to know what this will do for you? It might make things worse, for all I know.

The Summoning Bell by Rebecca Miles

Read by Lin Sagovsky

The Cutter’s Inn, County of Bristol, 1844

Winter trees reach with long dark fingers into an unresponsive sky as the figure strikes a match, bringing the hungry flame to the paper’s edge. Clouds mask the moon as they did a year ago, and no reflection in the inky waters mirrors the man’s face, shaggy brows knitted in concentration. The canal carves its quiet way through the night, secrets flowing through each of the 105 locks linking this backwater to the smog and skulduggery of London. Despite the December drizzle, the paper catches, words scorched in a tongue of flame.

 

CHRISTMAS EVENT: Wreaths & Wraiths, Tue 10 Dec at De Hems, Soho

🎄The winning stories for our final show of the year, WREATHS & WRAITHS 👻 on Tuesday 10th December were a seasonal selection box of six by turns spine-chilling and heart-warming, featuring remorseful ghosts, Victorian railways, haunted wreaths, nine Welsh Uncles, backwoods honeymoon horror & a grown-up (& very pissed-off) Tiny Tim ... Tickets were just £5 (here) & included mince pies & a festive book quiz!

WINNING STORIES for WREATHS & WRAITHS

"The Summoning Bell" by Rebecca Miles NEW AUTHOR - read by Lin Sagovsky

"Uncle Lewis" by David Mathews NEW AUTHOR - read by Gloria Sanders

"Humbug" by Ian Aikman NEW AUTHOR - read by Magnus Rook

"Snowy" by Jonathan Weil NEW AUTHOR - read by David Mildon

"The Wreath Thief" by Amy Eddings - read by Tony Bell

"Some Apology" by Lianne Warr - read by Paul Clarke

 

And if those aren't enough, all the stories from our Halloween special Bell Book & Candle are also online: just click to read the stories, watch the videos or listen to the podcast.

 

WREATHS & WRAITHS Christmas Stories

is on TUESDAY 10th DECEMBER

Tickets £5: 6.30pm doors, 7.30pm show

Upstairs at De Hems Dutch Cafe/Bar

11 Macclesfield Street, Soho, London W1D 5DW

 

Liars' League

www.liarsleague.com

Writers write. Actors read. Audience listens. Everybody wins.

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Red Nose by Rhys Timson

Read by Zach Harrison (3rd story in podcast, at XXmin, here)

Hi. My name is Rudy, and I'm an alcoholic. It's been 364 days since my last drink, but I still worry about falling off the wagon. Or should that be sleigh? I've done that a few times, actually.

It isn't easy being sober in my line of work. I spend most of the year doing nothing. The months of idleness are hard on someone with my weaknesses. You know how the saying goes, the devil makes work for idle hooves. These past few years, I’ve been through some dark times — and I don’t just mean the polar night — but I feel that, slowly but surely, I’m clambering back up to the daylight.

Aelwyd by Lianne Warr

Read by David Mildon (5th story in podcast, at 1hXXmin, here) *Aelwyd: Welsh for hearth, and for home.

Braith fills her lungs with the chill morning air, petrichor on the breeze. She avoids slipping on the icy path winding to the cottage doorstep (thanks to those sturdy legs; that broad, stomping gait). To her left, there is lavender — a solitary bee braving the frost. A gold-speckled moth flickers between the dwindling mint and hardy rosemary on her right. Raised in an underground world, Braith has yet to learn the names for perfumed plants, or creatures that flutter. Her fingers find their way to the moon of her scalp and worry at the few downy tufts left there. She takes another breath and paints on a smile, careful to cover her missing teeth.

The Visit by Marta Patiño

Read by Carrie Cohen (2nd story in podcast, at 16min 30s, here)

Cassandra could not explain why she was compelled to visit Chance House. Or why she had dreamt of the grand estate, seeming to know its every corner. She looked out from her bedroom window as stars clung to the waning night. The last fragments of a dream darted away like silver fish, replaced by a childhood memory of grey stone walls etched with moss, and a line of windows like a hound baring its teeth. Cassandra was practically a stranger to Chance House, her mother’s childhood home, though she knew well where the long driveway began. She scanned the lacework of trees, trying to locate the dwelling that lay beyond the fields and woods.

It was true the house had been in her thoughts of late. The property had lain empty for months, and had been recently inherited by Mr Kitto, who had left his mines in Northumberland to take up residence there. No doubt she was curious about meeting her cousins.

Looking for Matti by Grace Andreacchi

Read by Sarah Barlex (5th story in podcast, at 1hXXmin, here)

It was Christmas in Berlin. Lise had come alone on the train from London because there was no one who might have come with her. Everywhere in the streets the smell of burning, mingled with the sickly sweet odour of death. Piles of ash appeared solid as mountains but dissolved at the touch of a hand, collapsed in upon themselves, then scattered white wraiths of cloud upon the wind. In place of buildings were towers of broken rubble from which the wreckage of life protruded – a picture of an alpine landscape upon a half-burnt wall, a bathtub, white and glistening, swaying like an exotic fruit upon a stem of twisted lead piping, somebody’s leg still wearing half a pair of military trousers: further down the street, a pair of calcified boots. Lise was in Berlin, looking for Matti. The streets were nearly empty of people, the few she passed like evil ghosts swathed in black rags; thin and shivering, they stared after her with dull eyes.

Tripping the Light Fantastic by Matt Barnard

Read by Stephen Butterton (1st story in podcast, at XXmin, here)

When he got off at St Paul's, the station was deserted apart from a few discarded copies of the Evening Standard that skittered along the platform as the train pulled away. Earlier that night, it would have been packed, suits standing three deep, waiting to squeeze into trains already jammed with bodies. Now the only signs of life were the tiny brown packages that raced from the wall to the edge of the platform then disappeared over the side.

This is what Charlie wanted, for the whole City to be deserted so that he could go about his business undisturbed. It had taken months of planning, and he'd had to wait until exactly the right night, which happened to be a Friday in mid-December, bitterly cold but with almost no wind, which was the most important thing.

Donkey Tom by David McGrath

Read by Jamie Laird (6th story in podcast, at 1hXXmin, here)

While Tom Phelan froze to death out the back of his pub on Christmas Eve, Tom Phelan became not too happy with the story of Tom Phelan, Tom Phelan unable to comprehend just whatinthefuck happened. One minute he’d bought a thriving pub back when small pubs thrived, was proposing to the prettiest girl in Ballybalt on its opening night as Phelan’s, and a minute later, all of a sudden, Tom Phelan was back from honeymooning in Rome and the whole town was sniggering at him and fucking his wife, Tom Phelan sleeping on sheets crusted with the spunk of every man from Dungarven to Carrickbeg.

Christmas Show: HEARTH & HOME, Tue 12 Dec at The Wheatsheaf

 

 

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS EVENT TAKES PLACE UPSTAIRS AT THE WHEATSHEAF, FITZROVIA, NOT OUR USUAL VENUE OF THE PHOENIX

 

From glowing hearths to snowy bloodbaths, we've a stocking stuffed full of festive fiction for you to enjoy at our final event of the year, HEARTH & HOME, upstairs at the historic Wheatsheaf pub (25 Rathbone Place, just off Tottenham Court Road) at 7.30pm (doors at 6.30) on Tuesday 12th December.

 

Our six specially-written short stories will whisk you to war-torn Berlin, sinister mansion Chance House, and the worst pub in Ireland, and you can meet Welsh witches, secret base-jumpers and an alcoholic reindeer. PLUS there will be our usual epic literary quiz with brilliant books to win, and free mince pies for all!

 

WINNING STORIES for HEARTH & HOME

 

"Aelwyd" by Lianne Warr *NEW AUTHOR* read by David Mildon

 

"Looking for Matti" by Grace Andreacchi *NEW AUTHOR* read by Sarah Barlex

 

"The Visit" by Marta Patiño *NEW AUTHOR* read by Carrie Cohen (MVP Acting 2023)

 

"Red Nose" by Rhys Timson (MVP Writing 2023), read by Zach Harrison

 

"Tripping the Light Fantastic" by Matt Barnard, read by Stephen Butterton

 

"Donkey Tom" by David McGrath, read by Jamie Laird

 

Fancy coming along? The Wheatsheaf is smaller than our usual venue and tickets are STRICTLY LIMITED to 40 so if you want to come, please please do book your budget-friendly £5 tickets ASAP. 

 

SOLD OUT

Tuesday 12th December, 7.30pm, tickets £5 (doors open at 6.30pm)

Upstairs at The Wheatsheaf 
25 Rathbone Place (off Tottenham Court Road)

London, W1T 1JB

 

Nearest tubes: Tottenham Court Road (3 min) then Goodge Street (4 min) then Oxford Circus (6 min)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door, but it's well worth booking a ticket in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Any questions? See below. 

 

 

 

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS EVENT TAKES PLACE UPSTAIRS AT THE WHEATSHEAF, FITZROVIA, NOT OUR USUAL VENUE OF THE PHOENIX

 

From glowing hearths to snowy bloodbaths, we've a stocking stuffed full of festive fiction for you to enjoy at our final event of the year, HEARTH & HOME, upstairs at the historic Wheatsheaf pub (25 Rathbone Place, just off Tottenham Court Road) at 7.30pm (doors at 6.30) on Tuesday 12th December.

 

Our six specially-written short stories will whisk you to war-torn Berlin, sinister mansion Chance House, and the worst pub in Ireland, and you can meet Welsh witches, secret base-jumpers and an alcoholic reindeer. PLUS there will be our usual epic literary quiz with brilliant books to win, and free mince pies for all!

 

WINNING STORIES for HEARTH & HOME

 

"Aelwyd" by Lianne Warr *NEW AUTHOR* read by David Mildon

 

"Looking for Matti" by Grace Andreacchi *NEW AUTHOR* read by Sarah Barlex

 

"The Visit" by Marta Patiño *NEW AUTHOR* read by Carrie Cohen (MVP Acting 2023)

 

"Red Nose" by Rhys Timson (MVP Writing 2023), read by Zach Harrison

 

"Tripping the Light Fantastic" by Matt Barnard, read by Stephen Butterton

 

"Donkey Tom" by David McGrath, read by Jamie Laird

 

Fancy coming along? The Wheatsheaf is smaller than our usual venue and tickets are STRICTLY LIMITED to 40 so if you want to come, please please do book your budget-friendly £5 tickets ASAP. 

 

SOLD OUT

Tuesday 12th December, 7.30pm, tickets £5 (doors open at 6.30pm)

Upstairs at The Wheatsheaf 
25 Rathbone Place (off Tottenham Court Road)

London, W1T 1JB

 

Nearest tubes: Tottenham Court Road (3 min) then Goodge Street (4 min) then Oxford Circus (6 min)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door, but it's well worth booking a ticket in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Any questions? See below. 

 

 

 

PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS EVENT TAKES PLACE UPSTAIRS AT THE WHEATSHEAF, FITZROVIA, NOT OUR USUAL VENUE OF THE PHOENIX

 

From glowing hearths to snowy bloodbaths, we've a stocking stuffed full of festive fiction for you to enjoy at our final event of the year, HEARTH & HOME, upstairs at the historic Wheatsheaf pub (25 Rathbone Place, just off Tottenham Court Road) at 7.30pm (doors at 6.30) on Tuesday 12th December.

 

Our six specially-written short stories will whisk you to war-torn Berlin, sinister mansion Chance House, and the worst pub in Ireland, and you can meet Welsh witches, secret base-jumpers and an alcoholic reindeer. PLUS there will be our usual epic literary quiz with brilliant books to win, and free mince pies for all!

 

WINNING STORIES for HEARTH & HOME

 

"Aelwyd" by Lianne Warr *NEW AUTHOR* read by David Mildon

 

"Looking for Matti" by Grace Andreacchi *NEW AUTHOR* read by Sarah Barlex

 

"The Visit" by Marta Patiño *NEW AUTHOR* read by Carrie Cohen (MVP Acting 2023)

 

"Red Nose" by Rhys Timson (MVP Writing 2023), read by Zach Harrison

 

"Tripping the Light Fantastic" by Matt Barnard, read by Stephen Butterton

 

"Donkey Tom" by David McGrath, read by Jamie Laird

 

Fancy coming along? The Wheatsheaf is smaller than our usual venue and tickets are STRICTLY LIMITED to 40 so if you want to come, please please do book your budget-friendly £5 tickets ASAP. 

 

SOLD OUT

Tuesday 12th December, 7.30pm, tickets £5 (doors open at 6.30pm)

Upstairs at The Wheatsheaf 
25 Rathbone Place (off Tottenham Court Road)

London, W1T 1JB

 

Nearest tubes: Tottenham Court Road (3 min) then Goodge Street (4 min) then Oxford Circus (6 min)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door, but it's well worth booking a ticket in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Any questions? See below. 

 

SOLD OUT

Tuesday 12th December, 7.30pm, tickets £5 (doors open at 6.30pm)

Upstairs at The Wheatsheaf 
25 Rathbone Place (off Tottenham Court Road)

London, W1T 1JB

 

Nearest tubes: Tottenham Court Road (3 min) then Goodge Street (4 min) then Oxford Circus (6 min)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door, but it's well worth booking a ticket in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Any questions? See below. 

 

SOLD OUT

Tuesday 12th December, 7.30pm, tickets £5 (doors open at 6.30pm)

Upstairs at The Wheatsheaf 
25 Rathbone Place (off Tottenham Court Road)

London, W1T 1JB

 

Nearest tubes: Tottenham Court Road (3 min) then Goodge Street (4 min) then Oxford Circus (6 min)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door, but it's well worth booking a ticket in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Any questions? See below. 

 

 

Nearest tubes: Tottenham Court Road (3 min) then Goodge Street (4 min) then Oxford Circus (6 min)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door, but it's well worth booking a ticket in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Any questions? See below. 

 

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy

Read by Lisa Rose (fourth story in podcast, click here to play)

Justin chooses the house; an eighteenth-century cottage with exposed beams and inglenook fireplaces, and an acre of land so thick with trees that it can’t be seen from the road. He wants to be in before Christmas, and though most of the work is done before they move in, they can’t find anyone to fit the wood burners until December. When the workmen finally arrive, they assure Helen it won’t take long, and they’ll tidy up after themselves. She goes to make them tea and when she comes back, she finds the two men crouched on the floor looking at something.

‘Found this up the chimney,’ one says.

Helen leans down to get a better look, then recoils in disgust. ‘Ugh! What is it?’

‘Dead cat,’ the man says.

Trimmings by Mark Barlex

Read by Sarah Barlex (final story in podcast, click here to play)

Am I nervous? Of course. Am I scared? Absolutely. This place has been my life. It’s safe. There’s space to run, and a warm bed at night. I’ve got my friends. And Mr and Mrs Pickford, who look after us all, and are lovely. And there’s lots and lots of food!

Fraser, who eats more than any of us, says it’s the best we’ve ever had.

Terry, who can be difficult, says “Shut up, it’s all we’ve ever had.”

Fraser asks Terry when he’s going to start being nice.

Terry says, “When you stop talking out of your bum-hole.”

How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson

Read by Paul Clarke (second story in podcast, here)

Congratulations on your new HomeGirl^TM Dreamhouse Construction Kit! We at HomeGirl^TM believe it makes the perfect Christmas gift for your young daughter, or perhaps even son! This is the modern age, after all.

Hi! My name’s Jim Bowson, and in this how-to video I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about building your perfect doll’s house. Well, perhaps not perfect. I mean, nothing is perfect. You can get that idea out of your head right away! You are only setting yourself up for bitter disappointment if you expect perfection from anything or anyone. The key thing is to do your best – even if, for certain people, that will never be good enough.

Tinseltown by Niall Boyce

Read by Keleigh Wolf (first story in podcast, here)

Here’s the thing about my line of work: my telephone rings when everyone else’s stops. Times like this: late night, Christmas Eve. Everyone other than me is tucked up in bed or out getting into trouble. I’m listening to carols on the radio and waiting for a call. There’s always a call.

‘Hey, Alex?’ The voice at the other end of the line wasn’t asking. It was gearing up to give orders.

‘That’s me,’ I said, anyway. ‘What can I do for you, Eddie?’

Eddie was the Chief Operating Officer at one of the big studios, which meant he was the fixer when things went wrong with their stars. He had a good reputation; too good, as it turned out. Whenever the reporters saw him show up anywhere, they knew something had gone wrong. So there was a lot of work for independent contractors like me.

A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson

Read by Lucy Mabbitt: listen to podcast here (third story)

The chanting rises to a frenzied, animal pulse, like an Army cadence call, or gorillas booming across humid jungles. “DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT!”

I shudder. They’ve all downed it. And now I’m last one standing. Fists pummel the table, startling the crested cutlery. The tinsel on the ancient, panelled walls trembles. “DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT!”

Wolf-howls, bird-screeches, war-cries. “Come on you pussy!” bellows Pog, rugby-top straining, face red as a beef-tomato. “DOWN IT!”

I raise the stolen traffic-cone, stare into its mixture of mulled wine, cider, curdled eggnog and mashed mince-pie. The name of this unearthly concoction is Santa’s Nutsack.

 

Latest event: HOPES & FEARS, Tuesday 13th December

Hopes! Fears! Elves! Turkeys! Skulls! Cats! Divorce!

... and all the other things that make Christmas so special. As usual, the festive season is a positive rollercoaster of emotions and our Hopes & Fears Christmas event gave one hell of a ride. We stuffed our stocking with Hollywood noir, skull-stealing students, escapologist turkeys, cats up chimneys, and quietly tragic YouTube instructional videos. And to top it off, there was a super bumper festive book quiz and FREE mince pies - all for a fiver! MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing)

WINNING STORIES for HOPES & FEARS

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy *new author*, read by Lisa Rose

Trimmings by Mark Barlex, read by Sarah Barlez
How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson, read by Paul Clarke
A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt
Tinseltown by Niall Boyce, read by Keleigh Wolf

As for our literature-loving audience, it's at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 on Tuesday December 13th. Tickets are just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this Christmas event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table. And if you're an author or actor who has written or performed for us in 2022, there will be a free drink or two for you behind the bar ... bonus!

MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing). Congratulations to both!

HOPES & FEARS: CHRISTMAS STORIES

Tuesday 13th December, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

There's NO tube strike on 13 Dec but some lines (Overground, Elizabeth, District) may be affected by rail strikes

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

Hopes! Fears! Elves! Turkeys! Skulls! Cats! Divorce!

... and all the other things that make Christmas so special. As usual, the festive season is a positive rollercoaster of emotions and our Hopes & Fears Christmas event gave one hell of a ride. We stuffed our stocking with Hollywood noir, skull-stealing students, escapologist turkeys, cats up chimneys, and quietly tragic YouTube instructional videos. And to top it off, there was a super bumper festive book quiz and FREE mince pies - all for a fiver! MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing)

WINNING STORIES for HOPES & FEARS

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy *new author*, read by Lisa Rose

Trimmings by Mark Barlex, read by Sarah Barlez
How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson, read by Paul Clarke
A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt
Tinseltown by Niall Boyce, read by Keleigh Wolf

As for our literature-loving audience, it's at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 on Tuesday December 13th. Tickets are just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this Christmas event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table. And if you're an author or actor who has written or performed for us in 2022, there will be a free drink or two for you behind the bar ... bonus!

MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing). Congratulations to both!

HOPES & FEARS: CHRISTMAS STORIES

Tuesday 13th December, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

There's NO tube strike on 13 Dec but some lines (Overground, Elizabeth, District) may be affected by rail strikes

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

HOPES & FEARS: CHRISTMAS STORIES

Tuesday 13th December, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

There's NO tube strike on 13 Dec but some lines (Overground, Elizabeth, District) may be affected by rail strikes

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

Jesús, Mary & Joseph try for a Christmas Orgasm by David McGrath

Read by David McGrath         N.B. CONTENT WARNING FOR SWEARING AND UTTER FILTH .... ENJOY!

When the kids were younger Joseph always turned off the television on a sex scene. The family would then sit in the silence of the sex that wasn’t. And when enough stifling awkwardness had passed, the youngest kid, having guessed an adequate length of time for the sex to finish, would ask his Dad was it OK to turn back on the film? And Joseph would himself guess if an adequate length of time had passed, and maybe say OK, and maybe turn back on the telly. Or maybe say no, that there was plenty of time for watching them dirty auld films when they were older—that it was bedtime.

So Joseph sits with the whole world about to swallow him up. He’s mortified. Sex is not within forty miles of Joseph’s type of conversation. And to sit talking about the female orgasm—Kentucky Fried Christ. He reaches for some hope.