Liars' League

Trimmings by Mark Barlex

Read by Sarah Barlex (final story in podcast, click here to play)

Am I nervous? Of course. Am I scared? Absolutely. This place has been my life. It’s safe. There’s space to run, and a warm bed at night. I’ve got my friends. And Mr and Mrs Pickford, who look after us all, and are lovely. And there’s lots and lots of food!

Fraser, who eats more than any of us, says it’s the best we’ve ever had.

Terry, who can be difficult, says “Shut up, it’s all we’ve ever had.”

Fraser asks Terry when he’s going to start being nice.

Terry says, “When you stop talking out of your bum-hole.”

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy

Read by Lisa Rose (fourth story in podcast, click here to play)

Justin chooses the house; an eighteenth-century cottage with exposed beams and inglenook fireplaces, and an acre of land so thick with trees that it can’t be seen from the road. He wants to be in before Christmas, and though most of the work is done before they move in, they can’t find anyone to fit the wood burners until December. When the workmen finally arrive, they assure Helen it won’t take long, and they’ll tidy up after themselves. She goes to make them tea and when she comes back, she finds the two men crouched on the floor looking at something.

‘Found this up the chimney,’ one says.

Helen leans down to get a better look, then recoils in disgust. ‘Ugh! What is it?’

‘Dead cat,’ the man says.

How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson

Read by Paul Clarke (second story in podcast, here)

Congratulations on your new HomeGirl^TM Dreamhouse Construction Kit! We at HomeGirl^TM believe it makes the perfect Christmas gift for your young daughter, or perhaps even son! This is the modern age, after all.

Hi! My name’s Jim Bowson, and in this how-to video I’m going to tell you everything you need to know about building your perfect doll’s house. Well, perhaps not perfect. I mean, nothing is perfect. You can get that idea out of your head right away! You are only setting yourself up for bitter disappointment if you expect perfection from anything or anyone. The key thing is to do your best – even if, for certain people, that will never be good enough.

Tinseltown by Niall Boyce

Read by Keleigh Wolf (first story in podcast, here)

Here’s the thing about my line of work: my telephone rings when everyone else’s stops. Times like this: late night, Christmas Eve. Everyone other than me is tucked up in bed or out getting into trouble. I’m listening to carols on the radio and waiting for a call. There’s always a call.

‘Hey, Alex?’ The voice at the other end of the line wasn’t asking. It was gearing up to give orders.

‘That’s me,’ I said, anyway. ‘What can I do for you, Eddie?’

Eddie was the Chief Operating Officer at one of the big studios, which meant he was the fixer when things went wrong with their stars. He had a good reputation; too good, as it turned out. Whenever the reporters saw him show up anywhere, they knew something had gone wrong. So there was a lot of work for independent contractors like me.

A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson

Read by Lucy Mabbitt: listen to podcast here (third story)

The chanting rises to a frenzied, animal pulse, like an Army cadence call, or gorillas booming across humid jungles. “DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT!”

I shudder. They’ve all downed it. And now I’m last one standing. Fists pummel the table, startling the crested cutlery. The tinsel on the ancient, panelled walls trembles. “DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT! DOWN. IT!”

Wolf-howls, bird-screeches, war-cries. “Come on you pussy!” bellows Pog, rugby-top straining, face red as a beef-tomato. “DOWN IT!”

I raise the stolen traffic-cone, stare into its mixture of mulled wine, cider, curdled eggnog and mashed mince-pie. The name of this unearthly concoction is Santa’s Nutsack.

Latest event: HOPES & FEARS, Tuesday 13th December

Hopes! Fears! Elves! Turkeys! Skulls! Cats! Divorce!

... and all the other things that make Christmas so special. As usual, the festive season is a positive rollercoaster of emotions and our Hopes & Fears Christmas event gave one hell of a ride. We stuffed our stocking with Hollywood noir, skull-stealing students, escapologist turkeys, cats up chimneys, and quietly tragic YouTube instructional videos. And to top it off, there was a super bumper festive book quiz and FREE mince pies - all for a fiver! MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing)

WINNING STORIES for HOPES & FEARS

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy *new author*, read by Lisa Rose

Trimmings by Mark Barlex, read by Sarah Barlez
How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson, read by Paul Clarke
A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt
Tinseltown by Niall Boyce, read by Keleigh Wolf

As for our literature-loving audience, it's at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 on Tuesday December 13th. Tickets are just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this Christmas event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table. And if you're an author or actor who has written or performed for us in 2022, there will be a free drink or two for you behind the bar ... bonus!

MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing). Congratulations to both!

HOPES & FEARS: CHRISTMAS STORIES

Tuesday 13th December, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

There's NO tube strike on 13 Dec but some lines (Overground, Elizabeth, District) may be affected by rail strikes

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

Hopes! Fears! Elves! Turkeys! Skulls! Cats! Divorce!

... and all the other things that make Christmas so special. As usual, the festive season is a positive rollercoaster of emotions and our Hopes & Fears Christmas event gave one hell of a ride. We stuffed our stocking with Hollywood noir, skull-stealing students, escapologist turkeys, cats up chimneys, and quietly tragic YouTube instructional videos. And to top it off, there was a super bumper festive book quiz and FREE mince pies - all for a fiver! MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing)

WINNING STORIES for HOPES & FEARS

Dear Puss by Donna Tracy *new author*, read by Lisa Rose

Trimmings by Mark Barlex, read by Sarah Barlez
How to Build your Dreamhouse by Rhys Timson, read by Paul Clarke
A Cranium for Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt
Tinseltown by Niall Boyce, read by Keleigh Wolf

As for our literature-loving audience, it's at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 on Tuesday December 13th. Tickets are just £5 - full details below. We DO now accept card payments on the door but (especially for this Christmas event) it's well worth booking a ticket via Paypal in advance to ensure you get a table. And if you're an author or actor who has written or performed for us in 2022, there will be a free drink or two for you behind the bar ... bonus!

MVPs (Most Valuable Players) this year were Stephen Butterton (Acting) & Mark Barlex (Writing). Congratulations to both!

HOPES & FEARS: CHRISTMAS STORIES

Tuesday 13th December, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

There's NO tube strike on 13 Dec but some lines (Overground, Elizabeth, District) may be affected by rail strikes

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

HOPES & FEARS: CHRISTMAS STORIES

Tuesday 13th December, 7.30pm (doors open at 6.30pm)
The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

There's NO tube strike on 13 Dec but some lines (Overground, Elizabeth, District) may be affected by rail strikes

 

Tickets are £5: to book, please click here. Questions? See below.

Jesús, Mary & Joseph try for a Christmas Orgasm by David McGrath

Read by David McGrath         N.B. CONTENT WARNING FOR SWEARING AND UTTER FILTH .... ENJOY!

When the kids were younger Joseph always turned off the television on a sex scene. The family would then sit in the silence of the sex that wasn’t. And when enough stifling awkwardness had passed, the youngest kid, having guessed an adequate length of time for the sex to finish, would ask his Dad was it OK to turn back on the film? And Joseph would himself guess if an adequate length of time had passed, and maybe say OK, and maybe turn back on the telly. Or maybe say no, that there was plenty of time for watching them dirty auld films when they were older—that it was bedtime.

So Joseph sits with the whole world about to swallow him up. He’s mortified. Sex is not within forty miles of Joseph’s type of conversation. And to sit talking about the female orgasm—Kentucky Fried Christ. He reaches for some hope.

Christmas Special by Rhys Timson

Read by Patsy Prince

"Picture the scene," Henry says, taking a sip of brandy and setting the glass back down. "It's a traditional German Christmas. We see a young mother, blonde hair in braids, fretting over the placement of decorations on the mantelpiece. The tree is up, covered in tinsel, and three or four fair-haired children are running around causing chaos. There's a ring at the door, and our hausfrau rushes to open it, children around her legs screaming Vater! Vater! They open the door, and there’s a man in a long coat, his face obscured by a tower of presents. One by one, the children take the presents down, until we can see him. We can see who it is.’

Henry raises his left eyebrow provocatively. ‘It's Hitler.’

Lucy groans and turns away. Glen pulls a face and looks at his pint of Doom Bar. There is an awkward silence that is swiftly invaded by the noise of the pub’s other patrons. Henry raps his fingers on his glass while Lucy scrunches up her face, unable to form words.

Practically Family by Rosa Muller

Read by Claire Louise Amias

If we were all being honest, none of us expected the nanny to actually stay for Christmas.

One of my bad habits (amongst a few), is letting my mouth run away with itself. James and I had got stuck into slightly more cherry brandy than was strictly necessary, as it was Christmas, although technically it was still November – the 8^th.  When I walked unsteadily past the nanny’s bedroom I heard a low, animalistic howl.

I could hardly ignore it, could I? What if a werewolf had broken in and was savaging the poor girl? Surely I would be failing in my duty of care?

Uhtceara by E. J. Fry

Read by Peter Kenny

Uhtceara: lying awake in the period before dawn and worrying

I lie in the dark and consider the issue of a list. Not a Christmas list, unfortunately – or at least, not that kind. On this list, you would be losing. You would be surprised by that, I think, and that would probably be another entry into the ‘con’ column; your lack of awareness. But I haven’t officially started list-making yet and I shouldn’t admit half-considered entries. Not on a subject of such importance. That would be unfair.

Just a Nice Family Christmas by E. P. Henderson

Read by Lucy Mabbitt

“Who’ll be Mother?” Jess wonders as we flip through her extensive wardrobe.

It’s more of a relief than anything that none of us are seeing our folks again this year – nobody’s exactly family-orientated, and enduring the usual round of resentments, tensions, arguments and passive-aggressive regiftings doesn’t appeal. So Jess, TJ and me are having Friends are Family Christmas in our flat, where nobody can critically examine our lives, question our choices or, crucially, tell us we’re drinking too much.

“Is that a wig?” asks TJ. He extracts a blonde mop, frisking it about on his spread fingers like a permed Muppet.

“Hey,” cries Jess, “my Halloween costume!”

“Sexy Killer Clown wasn’t it?” I remember.

Cocktails & Candy Canes by Pete Armstrong

Read by Tony Bell

"No thank you, I shall carry it myself." Mr Jingle clutches his battered suitcase like Al Capone clutching his gun, or Al Capone's grandfather, perhaps. The young receptionist shrugs and leads him through to the old dressing room, as if he didn't know the way. She waves some lacquered fingernails at a kettle, some teabags, and a mince pie on a chipped plate.

Making sure the door through to the restaurant is unlocked, she flashes a plastic smile and leaves him to it. Back in the day the staff here were a bit more talkative, they checked he had everything he needed, maybe even admired him. But Back In The Day is a long time ago.

Baking Day by Angela Sherlock

Baking Day MP3

Read by Lin Sagovsky

The bank slopes gently to the river so there is no danger for the girls. Mamma has said they may play there while she is gone into Mullinvane but they must not go out upon the ice. She has taken the pony and trap and Dada is away up the fields somewhere, so they have promised to be on their best behaviour.

   But it is not the river bank they want today. That is a summer place, for building dams and fortifications of pebbles. The river bank is for dressing down. Off with the boots and stockings, skirts tucked into knickers. It is for soft silt between the toes and sunlight dancing on the arcs of water they send flashing into the air.

Christmas event: Friends & Family

Our festive FRIENDS & FAMILY Christmas show took place on Tuesday 14th December at our regular home of The Phoenix, and the line-up of seasonal stories features everything you need for the perfect Christmas:

1) Lying awake worrying about stuff
2) Terrible Yuletide telly
3) Murder
4) Inedible cake
5) Drunken rows over the turkey
6) Soul-shaking sex
7) ... and a little bit of Christmas magic

 

 

FRIENDS & FAMILY WINNING STORIES

Uhtceara by E. J. Fry, read by Peter Kenny

Practically Family by Rosa Müller, read by Claire Louise Amias

Cocktails and Candy Canes by Pete Armstrong, read by Tony Bell 

Jesús, Mary & Joseph Try for a Christmas Orgasm by Dave McGrath, read by the author

Just a Nice Family Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt

Christmas Special by Rhys Timson, read by Patsy Prince

 

PLUS! *Stocking surprise* (online only) Baking Day by Angela Sherlock, read by Lin Sagovsky

 

ALSO INCLUDING! Mince pies - book quiz - tinsel - crackers - Quality Street (if you're lucky) - free drinks (if you've had a story performed, or read one yourself in 2021) - and MORE!

Doors open at 6.30pm for a 7pm start.

PLEASE NOTE EARLIER THAN USUAL START TIME OF 7PM

Booking tickets online in advance (see below) is the best way to make sure you get a seat (and a mince pie). 

The venue is the basement bar, downstairs at:
The Phoenix pub
37 Cavendish Square,
London W1G 0PP (tube: Oxford Circus).
Access info: stairs down to the basement, no lift unfortunately.

HOW TO BOOK:

- Tickets are limited to 50
- and are a mere £5 each
- but you have to book a table unless you're on your own, in which case you can pick any free seat when you get there. Table sizes can be from 2-10 people.
- please reserve your table, stating no. of guests, by paying via Paypal using the orange Donate button above, top right

Our festive FRIENDS & FAMILY Christmas show took place on Tuesday 14th December at our regular home of The Phoenix, and the line-up of seasonal stories features everything you need for the perfect Christmas:

1) Lying awake worrying about stuff
2) Terrible Yuletide telly
3) Murder
4) Inedible cake
5) Drunken rows over the turkey
6) Soul-shaking sex
7) ... and a little bit of Christmas magic

 

 

FRIENDS & FAMILY WINNING STORIES

Uhtceara by E. J. Fry, read by Peter Kenny

Practically Family by Rosa Müller, read by Claire Louise Amias

Cocktails and Candy Canes by Pete Armstrong, read by Tony Bell 

Jesús, Mary & Joseph Try for a Christmas Orgasm by Dave McGrath, read by the author

Just a Nice Family Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt

Christmas Special by Rhys Timson, read by Patsy Prince

 

PLUS! *Stocking surprise* (online only) Baking Day by Angela Sherlock, read by Lin Sagovsky

 

ALSO INCLUDING! Mince pies - book quiz - tinsel - crackers - Quality Street (if you're lucky) - free drinks (if you've had a story performed, or read one yourself in 2021) - and MORE!

Doors open at 6.30pm for a 7pm start.

PLEASE NOTE EARLIER THAN USUAL START TIME OF 7PM

Booking tickets online in advance (see below) is the best way to make sure you get a seat (and a mince pie). 

The venue is the basement bar, downstairs at:
The Phoenix pub
37 Cavendish Square,
London W1G 0PP (tube: Oxford Circus).
Access info: stairs down to the basement, no lift unfortunately.

HOW TO BOOK:

- Tickets are limited to 50
- and are a mere £5 each
- but you have to book a table unless you're on your own, in which case you can pick any free seat when you get there. Table sizes can be from 2-10 people.
- please reserve your table, stating no. of guests, by paying via Paypal using the orange Donate button above, top right

An Irish Christmas by David McGrath

Pssst ... Resolved to submit more stories this year? Head over to our brand new 2021 themes to see what we're looking for!

Read by the author - Full podcast here

As a young woman, old Mrs Coogan reloaded rifles in the War of Independence and ran ammunition for the Flying Column of the Third Brigade. She took a bullet to the shoulder from a British Vickers machine gun for her efforts. She was heralded as the brave epitome of the new Irish republic, and missed her image featuring on the nation’s first five pound note by only two committee votes.

Lookin Up by Emma Grae

Read by Lois Tucker - Full podcast here

Lockdoon turbo relationships. That’s whit they call it. Ye finally cross pass wi somewan guid, and then boom - Big Boris tells ye tae stay at hame.

“Fancy gettin a hotel?” ah text the fella ah’ve ainlie met twice. Boozers shut at ten, and a few hoors o chat wisnae gonnae be enough fur us. The prices o rooms are oan their arse because o lockdoon two.

“Aye,” he replies, no hinkin twice aboot it.

“Smashin. Meet ye by the station in an hoor?”

“Aye. Cannae wait! x”

Ah’ve gat Mark Zuckerberg tae thank fur this wan. This fella gied me a compliment oan the auld Facebook, and ah replied tellin him that he made a hot wumman. It wis true. That body swap filter is sommat else.

Last Christmas by Rhys Timson

Pssst ... Resolved to submit more stories this year? Head over to our brand new 2021 themes to see what we're looking for!

Read by Tony Bell - Full podcast here

Twenty-five feet wouldn’t kill him, especially given the blanketing of snow. He’d probably break something though, maybe a leg or an arm. Still, just a few more inches along the roof and he’d be able to reattach the wire. He was flat against the concrete tiles, his feet propped up by the guttering, sliding himself along towards the animatronic Santa and his reindeer, currently dark and motionless atop the ridge. He was holding the cable between his teeth while he dug his fingers into the gaps. Probably not the safest way to carry a high-voltage electrical wire, but fuck it, it wouldn’t be Christmas without Santa and his levitating caribou.

A Pear for an Urchin by David Turnbull

Read by Claire Louise Amias - Full podcast here

The drone dropped down to examine the strange green object the droid held in his rubberised gripper. She was buffeted slightly by the winter wind that was swirling eddies of dust amongst the ivy-clad debris.

“What’s that you have there?” asked the drone.

The solar powered engine of the droid hummed in baritone monotony.

“It’s a pear,” he replied.

Red diodes flickered on the drone’s LED display as she searched the cloud for a definition. “A fruit!” she exclaimed when the answer revealed itself. “A seed bearing structure which once grew on trees.”

The Annunciation by David Gill

Read by Lin Sagovsky - Full podcast here

Mid-December hung around Ely, Cardiff. It was cold but it had yet to snow. It had yet to do anything.

What Joseph and Mary called a flat was one room. A window that looked north across Bishopton Road. A gas cooker on which two of the four burners worked. A sink.  A double mattress set on a floor industrially carpeted grey.

The thin sunlight sighed through Joseph and Mary’s window, dangled as threads about their room.

Their furniture was plastic, Joe’s mate Paddy had lifted it from the Culverhouse Cross B&Q. Straight into his van and dropped it here one late November evening. A table and four chairs. A housewarming present.

CHRISTMAS EVENT: Heart & Soul, Tuesday 8th December

TICKET UPDATE: 8 TICKETS REMAINING, PLEASE BOOK ASAP IF YOU ARE COMING!

 

The mornings are frosty, the lockdown has (sort of, partially) lifted, and tinsel is in the supermarkets: it's finally December and time for Liars' League's annual Christmas feast of festive fiction! 

 

This month for our seasonal theme of Heart & Soul (click for Facebook event) we have five brand-new stories, set in England, Scotland, Ireland, Wales and the far future, to warm your cockles and ginger your bread: they feature lockdown hook-ups, accidental babies, drones, droids, zombies (obviously) and some truly appalling things coming down chimneys.

 

Thanks to lockdown closures we can't be at our usual venue the Phoenix, alas: but we have provisionally booked the upstairs room at the Nag's Head in Covent Garden: stories will be read LIVE by REAL ACTORS in front of a REAL AUDIENCE at 7pm on Tuesday December 8th.

NB Tickets are STRICTLY limited to 25 and cost our usual £5. (See below for how to book online).

HEART & SOUL STORIES

A Pear for an Urchin by David Turnbull, read by Claire Louise Amias
An Irish Christmas by David McGrath, read by the author
Lookin Up by Emma Grae, read by Lois Tucker
Last Christmas by Rhys Timson, read by Tony Bell
The Annunciation by David Gill, read by Lin Sagovsky

We will also be distributing free mince pies and of course brand new novels for the quick of brain and high of hand in our Christmas book quiz.

The venue address is:
The Nag's Head
10 James Street
Covent Garden, London WC2E 8BT

 

TICKETS & EVENT INFO (the small print stuff)

TL:DR

- Tickets are limited to 25
- and are a low low £5
- but you have to book a table even if it's just you. Singletons book tables for 2.
- book and pay through Paypal using the orange Donate button above, top right

 

THE LONG VERSION

Please book a TABLE (for however many are in your group - max 6) rather than individual tickets, as pubs are not allowed to seat people of different "groups" (even if that group is only one person) together. So we strongly suggest you contact your friends if you think they'll be coming, and book a table together. If you're on your own just book a table for 2, but these are limited. 

 

Tickets will be limited to 25 (assuming all tables are full - may be slightly fewer if some tables are not full), and our ticket price remains a furlough-favouring £5.

 

If you want to drink alcohol you also have to order a "substantial meal", i.e. more than olives. Soft drinks are totally fine. (Sorry, them's the government guidelines ...)

 

How to book: Please use the Donate button on the top right of the LL website page (look up, look right, it's small and orangey-yellow...) to donate the price of however many tickets you want to us. So a table for 6 would be £30, but a table for 2 with only one guest is £5 because we're not going to punish you for not filling a table. Here's how you do it.

 

- Click the Donate button

- Enter the amount: £5 for 1 ticket, £10 for 2 etc. (you have to type in 5 - 0 - 0 for £5, it's slightly non-intuitive)

- Click Donate. This will take you to your Paypal login (if you don't have Paypal get someone else on your table to pay for tickets :) 

- IMPORTANT: Where it says Add a note please enter your name plus how many you want on your table. E.g. Katy Darby, Table for 4. Track & trace/QR code stuff is done at the venue so we don't need everyone's names, just the booker's.

- Ideally, tick the Share your email address button so we can contact you if there's any problem

- Click Donate Now

- And you're done! 

 

N.B. ALL donated funds (after Paypal fees) support contributing actors & authors: we take nothing. 

Sugar 'n' Spice Weekly Words, by J.A. Hopper

Read by Gloria Sanders (fifth story in podcast, here, or here if that doesn't work)

Dear Parents and Carers,

Happy Friday, Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it, and welcome to your Weekly Words from everyone at Sugar ‘n’ Spice Day Nursery! The children have had lots of fun this week exploring the world and embracing learning, and we have some lovely pictures in this newsletter later on! But first, some dates for your diary:

We know the children LOVE our dressing-up days, and the grown-ups love the photos (if not making the costumes, :) so next week’s nursery Christmas party theme is POEMS! Please bring your child to nursery dressed as a character from their favourite POEM, for example Stick Man by Julia Donaldson, The Gruffalo by Julia Donaldson, The Gruffalo’s Child by Julia Donaldson … I’m sure you can think of plenty, even if they’re not by Julia Donaldson. Maybe we should just call it our annual Julia Donaldson party! :)