Liars' League

Coming Clean by Sherry Morris

Coming Clean MP3

Read by Lionel Laurent

I once dated a girl who kept a dirty dictionary. When I say she kept it, I mean she was the one who made the entries. When I say dirty, I mean she was writing down all the words she thought were dirty. Not in an unclean, grimy sense, but in a naughty, kinky sense. This book was loaded, so I thought I’d hit the jackpot. I found it accidentally when I was looking for my watch. There, underneath her pillow was a small, pink notebook labelled ‘Dirty Words’.

 

The Marriage Inspector by Niall Boyce

The Marriage Inspector MP3

Read by Greg Page

               “He’s coming up the driveway. He’s definitely coming up the driveway.”

               “I can’t hear you.”

               “Tom, I said, he’s coming up the driveway.”

               “Jen—just wait a moment.”

               “That really annoys me.”

               “What?”

               “When you tell me to wait a moment.”

               “What?”

               Jen closed the curtain on the dark February evening, and backed away warily from the living room window to the doorway of the kitchen. “Tom,” she said, “we’re about to have a visitor.”

 

Saving Face by Emma O'Brien

Saving Face MP3

Read by Kim Scopes

It has to be said that, even before I got caught fucking a fellow patient in a laundry cupboard, I hadn’t made myself popular during my stay on the country’s only OCD ward.

In my defence, I never wanted to go in the first place. I mean, I don’t think it’s high up the list for anyone in terms of a holiday destination but everyone else seemed to at least accept they needed to be there. They were sick. And scared. And tired. And they wanted it to stop.

I could tick all those boxes myself, except the big one. I wasn’t sick. I was ugly.

 

Selfie Stick by Mike Clarke

Selfie Stick MP3

Gavin lifts himself off me, slumps by my side and strokes the bristles of his hipster beard in his personal, post-coital glow of satisfaction – less sociable than lighting a joint but tidier, I suppose.

‘Was that OK for you, Ellie?’ he asks.

‘Sure. It was really, really … OK!’ I reply enthusiastically, while wondering if it’s just two years of living together or am I really as fucking undesirable as I currently feel.

 

Zoe versus Zita by Michael Button

Zoe versus Zita MP3

Read by Louisa Gummer

War commenced on a Thursday – at least, in Zoe’s head it did. Thursday was Zita’s day to clean, and this particular Thursday, Zoe forgot. She left work a little early, troubled as she often was by baffling headaches and a sense of uneasiness. Treated herself to a trip to Liberty’s and a sleeveless black Prada dress that cost not far shy of a grand.

 

Gloves by Elisabeth Simon

Gloves MP3

Read by Katy Darby

Simon looked at the range of rubber gloves in front of him. They took up a whole shelf in Sainsbury's, stretching from basic single use gloves that looked faintly medical, to bewilderingly fancy gloves, hot pink with feather trims and glittering diamante edging.

What does Alisha like? he pondered. He could picture her standing by the sink, elbow deep in the soapy water. Yes, when she twisted round and picked up the next item he was sure she was wearing gloves. Yellow gloves? He grabbed a couple of pairs of the bright yellow type and put them in his basket.

 

Our next event: CLEAN & DIRTY, Tuesday 9 February

The CLEAN & DIRTY event (our first of 2016) is on TUESDAY 9 FEBRUARY, to get you feeling filthy or frisky for Valentine's Day. It's recommended by Londonist as a top Thing to Do that day, so come along and see what the buzz is about!

We had a positive tidal wave of submissions for our first event of 2016, and having waded through fragrance and filth alike, our judges have plucked out six steamy stories for you. 

We've got dirty dictionaries and OCD romance, marriage inspectors, vengeful cleaners, sex in IKEA, and at least two uses for Marigold gloves plus our usual infamous book quiz (with a romantic twist) sexy sweeties and of course the chance to meet the literature-loving hottie of your dreams while queuing at the bar ...

CLEAN & DIRTY WINNING STORIES
Coming Clean by Sherry Morris NEW AUTHOR - read by Lionel Laurent
Zoe versus Zita by Michael Button NEW AUTHOR - read by Louisa Gummer
Saving Face by Emma O'Brien NEW AUTHOR - read by Kim Scopes
Gloves by Elisabeth Simon NEW AUTHOR - read by Katy Darby
The Marriage Inspector by Niall Boyce - read by Greg Page
Selfie Stick by Michael Clarke - read by Lois Tucker

All our events are held at 7.30pm (doors open at 7pm) on the second Tuesday of every month downstairs at:

The Phoenix (click here for map)
37 Cavendish Square
London W1G 0PP
The Phoenix is a five-minute walk from Oxford Circus tube, which is on the Victoria, Bakerloo & Central lines.

Tickets are £5 on the door (cash only please, but there's a cashpoint directly opposite the pub) & include a programme. 

Oh & by the way ... our next submissions deadline is on SUNDAY 7 FEBRUARY, theme JUSTICE & MERCY for our March 8 event. More here.