Liars' League

White Van Men by David McGrath

CLICK TO PLAY White Van Men MP3

Read by Suzanne Goldberg

WARNING: VIOLENCE AND SWEARING

WANTED: MAN WITH VAN.

PICK ME UP—TAKE ME TO QUIET PLACE THEN WITHOUT SAYING A WORD, GIVE ME THE FUCK OF MY YOUNG LIFE IN THE BACK.

I AM NOT A WORKING GIRL. IT’S JUST WHAT GETS ME OFF.

 

Death of an Urban Hermit by Matthew Parker

CLICK TO PLAY Death of an Urban Hermit MP3

Read by Ben Crystal

Your body starts cooling down as soon as you die, at a rate of 1.5 degrees Celsius per hour. Rigor Mortis sets in after six hours. That’s a problem for me. I passed on in a chair, seven hours ago, and I don’t know how they plan to get me into a coffin when I’m not all flat. Can they reverse the stiffening somehow? Do Lenor do a corpse softener? I doubt it, although their sensual infusions range has done wonders on my jeans recently. I’m a man of small pleasures. I was a man of small pleasures.

 

Instructions for Burying your Best Friend by Liz N. Clift

CLICK TO PLAY Instructions for Burying ... MP3

Read by Sarah Feathers

1)      Mark Hamilton’s sister will call at 4:07 a.m. on June 18^th the year you are 24, from Germany, where Mark was airlifted because of an IED. You’ll up when she calls, not because she calls, getting ready to go to work at the chain bakery “That loves to feed ‘ya.”

2)      Sit on the edge of your bed, staring at her name on the Caller ID. Consider not answering. No good calls come before dawn. Not the year you’re 24. Not the year you’re 32 either.

 

Dead and Dug Up by Jennifer Rickard

CLICK TO PLAY Dead and Dug Up MP3

Read by Alex Woodhall

When we rose you from the dead, you came back ... different. Which was good, because you were kind of a jerk originally.

I mean, you weren’t terrible, I’m not saying that. You were just difficult. You had a difficult personality. Maybe that’s what I mean. Words don’t come so easily to me like they used to.

You weren’t looking your best once we’d finally dragged you out of the coffin. You were all kind of ... I don’t know, I can’t think of a good word ... mouldering.

 

Sorry for your Loss by Mary McCluskey

CLICK TO PLAY Sorry for your Loss MP3

Read by Jo Widdowson

The music begins immediately, as mother and daughter pull out seats on the patio. Lucy, hurried, wants this meal to be over so that she can join her friends at the pub. Janine, aware of her daughter’s impatience, sighs as she fusses with napkins that threaten to fly, like huge yellow birds, into the wind.  It is that soft time before sunset, the sky etched with pink, paper-thin clouds, a warm breeze that carries the scent of tea-roses.  A perfect evening for supper outdoors.

 

Stories for DEAD & BURIED next Tue Oct 8th

"Ask not for whom the bell tolls ... it tolls for THEE!"
 

You are formally invited to a memorial service on Tuesday, 8th October to celebrate the existence of the six spooky stories chosen for our DEAD & BURIED event. Selecting terrifying tales in the run up to Hallowe'en is always hard, but it's especially hard when so many of the authors are new, young and full of promise.

We're sorry to have to relate that the night will feature ghosts, murderers, mouldering corpses, more ghosts, haunting music, zombies and even more ghosts. Those of a nervous disposition are advised to leave the country, essentially.

ORDER OF SERVICE for DEAD & BURIED
Death of an Urban Hermit by Matthew Parker
Everlasting by Nigel Robinson
White Van Men by David McGrath
Instructions for Burying your Best Friend by Liz N. Clift *NEW AUTHOR*

Dead and Dug Up by Jennifer Rickard *NEW AUTHOR*
Sorry for your Loss by Mary McCluskey *NEW AUTHOR*

There will also be trick-or-treat sweeties, pumpkin cupcakes (probably), a positively bloodcurdling book quiz, and Arachne Press's latest anthology WEIRD LIES, a selection of the best horror, sci-fi and fantasy from the League, will be on sale. As ever, doors open at 7pm, show starts at 7.30 and it's a fiver on the door with 20% off bottles of wine all night.

See you on the other side ...

Dead & Buried on Tue Oct 8th
Downstairs at The Phoenix

37 Cavendish Square
London W1G 0PP (nearest tube Oxford Circus, 3 mins)
www.phoenixcavendishsquare.co.uk