Liars' League

The R27s by Anna Savory

The R27s MP3

Read by Susan Moisan

I recently spent an agonising weekend completing my first ever tax return. It was the sort of long, grey slog that made me wish repeatedly for death. Once you’ve spent two hours trying to locate your 10-digit Unique Taxpayer Reference online you really do begin to question whether you’re living at all any more. Imagine then the pleasing sense of irony (and less pleasing sense of dread) I had when HMRC called me in my lunch break to tell me I’d been dead all along.

‘According to our system,’ said a girl who sounded only minutes from the grave herself, ‘according to our system, you were marked legally deceased on the 28th of August last year…’

I cast my mind back. 

‘No …’ I said ‘I don’t think so. Was that the bank holiday?’

Render Unto Caesar by Tom Heaton

Render Unto Caesar MP3

Read by Greg Page

The address was ‘Cobbes, Fetters Lane’, but no one on Fetters Lane had heard of ‘Cobbes’, until at last I stopped a grey-haired old dear who was being pulled along by two eager Norfolk terriers.

‘The Cobbes? The loggers?’ she said.

‘The what?’

‘They sell firewood,’ she said.

Do they now? I thought.

She sucked her lips as if thinking something over. ‘Two hundred yards that way, there’s a cattle grid. Park there, cross the field and find the track going up the hill at the end. The Cobbes’ place is on the left, but they don’t take to visitors.’

A Piece of Me by Matt Kimmich

A Piece of Me MP3

Read by Anton Thompson-McCormick

I am sitting in front of the television, on my favourite chair. It’s been an uneventful day. Now, while I am sitting there, the doorbell rings. This in itself is unusual, because I’m not expecting anyone. I get up, walk towards the door and look through the fisheye. There’s a man outside, dressed in a blue uniform, almost like a postman’s uniform. He also has that typical unconcentrated ‘postman’ look on his face, like he’s already thinking about what he’ll do once the job is done. As I said, I’m not expecting anyone, so this is a bit of a surprise.

I open the door, and he gives me a flat look.

“Mr-” He glances at the pad he’s holding and says my name.

“Yes?”

“I’m here for your thumb.”

Raising Taxes by Jennifer Rickard

Raising Taxes MP3

Read by Louisa Gummer

You're two days dead when they come and see me. They say they have to visit that early because if they're going to perform a Raising, they need to freeze the deceased as soon as possible. But it's not a coincidence that they're also visiting when the grief is still raw. It means they're more likely to get a signature, because at that point you’d agree to anything to bring the person back into your life.

They didn't have to apply that tactic to me, because I decided to sign as soon as you flat-lined. As soon as the hospital rang me and told me about your moment of inattention and that speeding car.

Number 35 by Joshua Osto

Number 35 MP3

Read by Lin Sagovsky

I’ve lived on Lonsdale Road my whole life. My brother lives across the street and three doors down, in the house that we both grew up in. When I married Harry I made sure we moved onto Lonsdale Road. It wouldn’t feel right to live anywhere else, and birds of a feather need to stick together, they say. But there’s been so much trouble these last years, to do with number thirty-seven. Then Harry let me down Christmas just gone, after the party at Devan’s, sucking on that young girl’s ear like some kind of pervert. He was drunk though, and thought it was all a laugh.

I’d thought it was all over.

A year before that they arrested Cresswell. They found all sorts in the basement, stuff that you wouldn’t want to think of. Not just bodies but bits of bodies. Some people said that they weren’t surprised; that Cresswell had one of those faces. Not like my Harry, who has the face of a naughty cherub.

“It’s because I’ve led a blameless life,” he says to me. He’s a cheeky one.

LifePlan by Liam Hogan

LifePlan MP3

Read by Carrie Cohen

It has long been a problem that has plagued actuaries, politicians and indeed, prudent individuals such as yourselves. Planning, for an uncertain future. How much should you pay into your pension not knowing how long, or indeed, if you'll ever claim it? How much should you set aside for periods of unemployment? For healthcare issues? For assisted living?

Until now, this thorniest of problems has been tackled - but far from solved - by the crudest of tools, by the bluntest of instruments: statistics. Your life expectancy and other, similar data are simply averaged. Which means that the man who dies the morning of his retirement party is subsidising the woman celebrating her 100^th birthday surrounded by friends and family and with a congratulatory message from the Queen.

October event: DEATH & TAXES Hallowe'en special, Tue 10th October

You've seen the pumpkin costumes at the checkouts, you've clocked the skull-shaped sweets in the shops ... Yes, Hallowe'en is coming - and to celebrate the terror and horror of the season, our October event theme is DEATH & TAXES (click for Facebook event).

 

Here's the podcast from the night, the videos are on YouTube and the story texts and author & actor bios lurk sinisterly here. 

 

We selected six spine-shuddering stories to chill the very marrow of your bones: whether you're a bereaved lover or an insurance hawker, a hapless (soon to be limbless) couch potato or officially dead - from rural pig-farm to suburban slaughterhouse, there was no escape from Death & Taxes! The show took place on Tuesday 10th October, starting at 7.30pm (doors open at 7pm), and as ever it was a spookily cheap £5 admission. What's to be scared of?

 

DEATH & TAXES WINNING STORIES 

The R27s by Anna Savory *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Susan Moisan
A Piece of Me by Matt Kimmich *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Anton Thompson-McCormick
LifePlan by Liam Hogan, read by Carrie Cohen
Render Unto Caesar by Tom Heaton, read by Greg Page
Raising Taxes by Jennifer Rickard, read by Louisa Gummer
Number 35 by Joshua Osto read by Lin Sagovsky

 

The night will also feature our infamous book quiz, with some seriously dark novels as prizes, inflatable bats, orange tinsel and (of course) buckets of ghoulish candy. Tickets cost £5 on the door (cash only, no advance booking) and seating is unreserved - so best to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good table. Accessibility note: access to the basement bar is via stairs - there's no lift, alas. 

The venue is downstairs at:
The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square 
London 
W1G 0PP

(The Phoenix is five minutes' walk from Oxford Circus tube station, which is on the Victoria, Bakerloo and Central lines). Map here.