Liars' League

Monsieur Fromage by Rosalind Stopps

Monsieur Fromage

Read by Jo Widdowson

If she doesn’t find the right cheese, her marriage will be over.

Claire is on a pilgrimage, a shopping trip to win back her husband with a taste that will prove to him that she loves him and persuade him to stay. It is twenty-seven years since she last slept alone, and she has no idea what colour she would decorate her bedroom, or whether she would sleep with the light on.

Claire is tired from a sleepless night. She usually buys her cheese from a supermarket, but this is different, this is important, and she tries to remember his description clearly. She hopes that the person in the cheese shop is used to this sort of request, because it is her only hope. Nutty, he definitely said nutty, and firm without being rubbery, and she remembers that he was very keen on the colour. It would make a good TV game show, she thinks, possibly with the husbands dressed as mice and the wives who want them back dressed as cats and carrying cheese boards. Maybe she will tell Owen that later, if things turn out ok, and maybe they will laugh about it together. 

 

She looks in the 99p shop window as she passes to see if anything is the particular yellow he described, the yellow that reminds him of early crocuses in Scotland. The window is a mass of loud colours and metallic labels and Claire is relieved not to catch even a flash of primrose. It’s a rarer colour, she thinks, he will be impressed that she managed to find it.

If you would like to read the rest of this story, please check out Lovers' Lies, the Arachne Press anthology in which it, and many other sexy and lovable stories from the League archives, appears.

 

He Does Not Know by Liam Hogan

Read by Ben Crystal

He does not know, but He is the centre of the Universe.

Everything everyone else does, they do solely for the effect it has on Him.  This is their only purpose, whether they are aware of it or not.

Preacherwife by Helen Silverstein

Read by Daisy Whyte

She took the baby to bathe her. It was nearly six p.m. and Steve wasn’t home yet. A church council meeting. Always something. He would be late. The only fact that mattered. She put her hand on her belly, going still for a moment as the baby kicked. This one, the inside one, could take her breath away with his punches and kicks. A boy, she thinks – already looking for a playground.

Cooking with Chicken by David Gill

Read by Steve Wedd

Pete peeled and chopped the garlic, tossed it in with the frying chicken. A lot of garlic; he had come to understand that she liked it that way.

The kitchen was a stove on which two of the four burners worked, a fridge that was older than he was and a sink cluttered with days of dishes. As Pete stood station at the stove Julie moved around the appliances. She was not a girl to whom stillness often occurred. Small, fair-skinned, nose splashed with freckles, blonde hair cut short, she was dressed in knock-off DKNY jeans and a No Fool tee-shirt. The radio was playing Eric Clapton, Anything For Love.

The Man with the Musical Penis by Sumit Dam

Read by Martin Lamb

The man with the musical penis sat in the café, a newspaper folded over his lap as he absently stirred a cup of coffee that had long since grown cold. Even a casual observer would have been struck by the weariness evident in the slump of his shoulders. For he was tired: tired of his organ’s propensity to announce even its faintest stirrings with a note, a whistle or even, if the excitement proved more sustained, a flurry of drums.

Stories chosen for February's "His & Hers" event

Thanks to all the writers who submitted their work for the His & Hers event on Tuesday 10 February. Here are the stories we have chosen to be read ...

 

1. He Does Not Know by Liam Hogan

 

2. Preacherwife by Helen Silverstein

 

3. Cooking with Chicken by David Gill

 

4. Monsieur Fromage by Rosalind Stopps

 

5. The Man with the Musical Penis by Sumit Dam

 

Join us at the Wheatsheaf at 7pm next Tuesday for the first Liars' League of the year (we know you've missed us) when our Valentine's special will take you from the romantic to the ridiculous. See you there!