Liars' League

Vertigo by Ian Green

CLICK TO PLAY Vertigo MP3

Read by Paul Clarke

The boy in the bath is holding a razorblade in his right hand, the edge of which is pressed lightly against the skin of his left wrist. He is staring at the droplets of condensation forming on the white tiles of the wall. Vertigo sits on top of the closed lid of the toilet and writes in his notebook. Every now and then he taps the end of his pencil against the edge of the book but the boy in the bath does not seem to register the sound. The bathroom is not large, and with the boy and Vertigo and Dave the crow in there it feels full.

“Is this going to take all night?” 

Preheating the Oven by David McGrath

CLICK TO PLAY Preheating the Oven MP3

Read by Lin Sagovsky

Brendan snapped his banjo string in Sharon’s vagina the first time they tried to have sex. There was blood everywhere. It spurted out of his willy like it was a Super-Soaker 5000. The two of them raced to Accident and Emergency. The bed sheet wrapped around Brendan’s waist dripped blood the whole way there.

‘Holy Mary Mother of God!’ cried a nurse.

‘It’s his willy!’ Sharon shouted, mascara melting down her chin. ‘It’s his fuckin’ willy!’

Hospital Field by Sian Melangell Dafydd

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Read by Adam Diggle

"Hospital Field" is taken from the charity anthology BEACONS, published by OneWorld. Buy it here.

Owning something ancient adds weight to life. Your tree: nut-skinned, sturdy, harmony in a pot, which has grown up to be tiny, perfectly asymmetrical and squat, with teardrop, razoredged leaves, which has grown up beautiful, is finally delivered home. You stuff all your other belongings into a rucksack: underwear, toothbrush, books, and you negotiate customs, ticket turnstiles and packaged sandwiches while your two hands are firmly wrapped around its roots in a blue glazed terracotta pot. You think it looks like it ought to have been a teapot, not a plant pot; blue as sea in summer, shining about its soil. Your fingers sweat all the way home but you hold it and hold it, adjusting your fingers when their bones ache.

The Flying Man Hypothesis by Joshan Esfandiari Martin

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Read by Cliff Chapman

I came home to find broken branches lying in front of our building. It couldn’t have been the men who pruned the trees along our street, for it was March, and they never began their surgery until May. They are diligent sorts and always take the offcuts away. The branches were also torn rather than sawn, with curling ends of sappy young bark. It was a right mess.

Le Boucher by Matthew Parker

 CLICK TO PLAY Le Boucher MP3

Read by Henrietta Clemett

Henry told the young couple with their thumbs out that he could only take them twenty-five kilometres or so, but if they wanted a lift then they were welcome to it. After briefly marvelling at the coincidence of being picked up by an Englishman, Emma and Dan explained to Henry precisely what it was that they were doing in the middle of rural France with nothing but their backpacks.

Good Hope by Tessa North

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Read by Greg Page

Bill Sharpey boards the commuter train with hundreds of people like him and sits by the glass so he can see the last flashes of green before the train goes underground. Under the strip-lighting, his fellow passengers’ skin looks dull and dirty.

Stories chosen for Life & Limb, Tue 13th August

We've waded through a sea of stories to bring you a selection of the finest life-enhancing, limb-loosening fiction for our next event, LIFE & LIMB on Tuesday August 13! Prepare to encounter sexual slip-ups, a modern-day Icarus, talking crows, ailing bonsai, suspected serial killers and a woman who falls but never hits the ground ... plus of course our infamous half-time book quiz, discounts on bottles of wine and all the usual goodies.

LIFE & LIMB WINNING STORIES
Vertigo by Ian Green, read by Paul Clarke
The Flying Man Hypothesis by Joshan Esfandiari Martin, read by Cliff Chapman
Hospital Field (from Beacons) by Sian Melangell Dafydd *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Adam Diggle
Preheating the Oven by David McGrath, read by Lin Sagovsky
Le Boucher by Matt Parker *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Henrietta Clemett
Good Hope by Tessa North, read by Greg Page

Liars' League events are held at 7.30pm (doors open at 7pm) on the second Tuesday of every month. Tickets cost £5 on the door (cash only, no advance booking) and seating is unreserved - so it's a good idea to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good table.

The venue is downstairs at:
The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square
London
W1G 0PP

(The Phoenix is 5 minutes' walk from Oxford Circus tube station, which is on the Victoria, Bakerloo and Central lines)

Map here