Liars' League

The Gift by Michael Mann

Read by Most Valuable Player (Acting) 2016, Jim Cogan (Full podcast here)

Snowmen, with top hats, making jazz hands. 

Is this really what Christmas has come to?  The snowmen seem to think so.  Their black button-eyes are grinning, and they’re practically crawling all over the wrapping paper.

I look at the paper again.  It’s cheap, but folded precisely.  The sellotape is smudgeless and cut with scissors.  I know who did this.  There’s only one person this neat in my family. 

But I don’t look up.  Instead, I feign ignorance and weigh it in my hands. Rule number one of Secret Santa: stretch out the suspense.  So I shake it, I “hmmm” and I squeeze it in my fingers.  It’s firm but gives slightly.  A book of some sort, but thin and almost the length of my arm. Too big to sit on any respectable coffee table that I know of. 

I use my nails and rip a thin, tapering slit.  It’s barely off when my brother says, “I know what it is.”

Christmas Star by Sherry Morris

Read by Josie Charles (Full podcast here)

‘I wouldn’t like to mention this,’ Mrs Henderson from next door said to my mom, ‘but your Christmas decorations are a bit too…non-standard this year. I’m not sure the neighbourhood appreciates it.’ It was clear the nosy busy-body did like mentioning it, couldn’t wait, in fact, and had most likely been sitting at the window for some time, twitching the curtains back and forth in anticipation of Mom’s arrival. She hadn’t even reached the house when Mrs Henderson pounced.

‘Non-standard?’ Mom said and looked around the yard. There was a lot going on: six Santas, several sets of reindeer, rows of candy canes, armies of elves, circles of snowmen, plus two full-sized inflatable snow globes containing waddling penguins. There was even a nativity set complete with wise men and camels, though we weren’t particularly religious. ‘It’s what Jesus would do,’ my brother Kenny said.

The Gospel According to St Hamleys the Elf by Alan Graham

Read by Paul Clarke (Full podcast here)

In the beginning there was the Word. And the word was Santa.

And Santa stared out into the dark, cold void and bellowed “Let There Be Christmas”, and there was.

And on the first day of Christmas, Santa created the Heavens, the Earth and “Hungry, Hungry Hippos”, the Greatest of All the Christmas Presents.

And on the second day He created us Elves, to serve Him. Then he fashioned the North Pole as a place for us to live. Which was kind and mighty of Him. Even if the place was a bit cold.

On the third day He created Toys, and also Parents to be the giver of Toys. And those first parents, in gratitude at their creation, invented giant barrels of Sherry to thank the Mighty Santa.

The fourth day, sadly, was a write-off because the Mighty Santa had the mother of all hangovers.

Tigg Montague's Ponzi Pyramid Scheme by Liam Hogan

Read by Clive Greenwood

He counted the stack of coins on his desk, sorting them as he did. The larger piles were a dull brown, some tinged with green: copper farthings, halfpennies, and pennies; all well used. Of silver coins there were few, of half-crowns there was but one. Carefully, he noted the total in his ledger and then, leaning back, rubbed a bony hand across his chin and sighed. It was going to be a thin Christmas.

The chests that had taken so long to fill had taken a far shorter time to empty. True, the contents were technically out on loan and the repayment of even a small part would make him financially assured. But that wasn't the way it worked: what little came back went straight out again, the need far greater than his reserves. As for interest; none of the poor he lent to were in a position to pay even a penny in the pound. There was, it seemed, no profit in being good. Ebenezer Scrooge had a serious cash flow problem.

Christmas with the In-Laws by Quintin Forrest

Read by Robert Welling (Full podcast here)

In the days leading up to the announcement, I found myself watching a lot of cartoons. The dilemma of the Roadrunner; what would Wile E Coyote do, if he ever caught the bird? What would give his life meaning, without the chase? I guess this is something a lot of chaps think about. No more death traps or explosions.

Thoughts of an idle man, though. By this point in our relationship, it was no secret to the UK public that Delilah and I were to be married in June. That this would be the next royal wedding, England flags all over the shop, and there was nothing I could do. That even if I'd run off to Bolivia, or somewhere with no extradition treaty, it would be no escape from my obligations to Delilah, and her son, little Elton.

Winter Sun by Miranda Gold

Read by Lois Tucker

Someone was rapping on the shop front downstairs. Dave tossed the quilt up, buttoned the sheepskin he hadn’t taken off for a week and padded to the window locked by the frost. An unconscious choreography of stiff jiggles and static bounces was being performed all the way along the road, shoulders leapt and seized beneath ears, heads jutted forwards ahead of anticipated steps, each graceless dancer curdled in the turning light. At least it wasn’t just him: winter had snuck up on them all, tricked by a November coppering late afternoons to make them seem longer than they were. December took a good week to creep in and then cracked an icicle whip, leaving Dave to curse the boiler he’d meant to get fixed months ago.

Christmas event: LIGHT & DARK, Tuesday 13th Dec at The Lamb

We're delighted to announce that our seasonal soiree, Light & Dark on Tuesday 13th December (click for link to Facebook event) will take place in the elegantly refurbished Empire Bar at The Lamb pub in Bloomsbury - a venue which has many happy associations for us, since it's where the very first Liars' League was held, waaay back in 2007. (Address details at bottom of page).

This year we've got it all: elves, Secret Santa, obscene Christmas lights, Ebenezer Scrooge, estranged relatives and a really, REALLY awkward Christmas dinner, so let trumpets sound, gnomes laugh and little drummer boys drum! Our six Christmas crackers are:

WINNING STORIES FOR LIGHT & DARK

The Gift by Michael Mann *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Jim Cogan
Winter Sun by Miranda Gold *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Lois Tucker
Christmas Star by Sherry Morris, read by Josie Charles
Christmas with the In-Laws by Quintin Forrest
Tigg Montague's Ponzi Pyramid Scheme by Liam Hogan, read by Clive Greenwood
The Gospel According to St Hamleys the Elf by Alan Graham, read by Paul Clarke

We'll be there, the actors and authors will be there, and the Ghost of Christmas Present(s) has RSVP'd - but if you want to make sure YOU will get in on the night we are, for the first time, taking ticket bookings (and payments) in advance. This is because the Lamb can only take 50 people tops in its upstairs bar, bijou and cosy as it is, so we have to limit the numbers.

Want in on the fun? Great! To book your ticket please send £5 via PayPal to [email protected], and mark your payment XMAS plus your name. (You can also click the yellow Donate button to the right of this page - either way is fine). If you pay more we'll book the relevant number of tickets: £10 buys 2, £15 buys 3 and so on. Price includes a programme, all the mince pies you can scoff, and entry to our super bumper infamous festive book quiz (which in the spirit of seasonal excess features TEN fabulous festive books to win). 

Tickets are STRICTLY LIMITED to a maximum of 50 for the Christmas event so please book early! UPDATE: 2/3 of the tickets have gone already - buy buy buy!

NB: If you don't manage to nab a ticket but fancy hanging out with us anyway (and eating the rest of the mince pies) the afterparty from 9.30pm is FREE and we'd love to see you there!

Doors open at 7pm for a 7.30 start and if there are any tickets left they'll be £5 cash on the door. If you've booked tickets in advance please ensure you arrive by 7.30 as otherwise we may give your place to people on the waiting list/in the queue. 

We're really looking forward to this one, so come along and jingle our bells. Those details in full:

CHRISTMAS EVENT: LIGHT & DARK

Tuesday 13th December @ 7pm for 7.30, £5

 

The Lamb, 94 Lamb's Conduit Street

Bloomsbury, London WC1N 3LZ

Tube: Russell Square (5 minute walk)

Map here