Liars' League

For Your Ears Only by Bartle Sawbridge

 Read by Stephen Butterton

Recession. Depression. What does it matter? I lost my girlfriend in July. I lost my job in September. And I lost an ear last Wednesday. My best ear, the left one. So I have to turn my head when people are talking to me. And I can’t write proper sentences any more. 

 

That was then, but it couldn’t stay that way. I finally went to see Peter, who I was at school with. He’s my doctor. I mean, I went to see him as my doctor, not because we were at school together. He looked in my ear and said it was full of wax, and prescribed me some ear drops. If they didn’t work it might mean surgery. When I asked him what that involved, he said they would probably take the side of my skull off, sort out the ear and stitch it back together again. I couldn’t tell if he was joking.

 

If you would like to read the rest of this story, please check out Lovers' Lies, the Arachne Press anthology in which it, and many other sexy and lovable stories from the League archives, appears.

The Steel Rim by Alan McCormick

Read by Al Woodhall

My night-time ramble is all whizz and the day-glo stamped ones are doing their stuff; my temples soft as ocean sponge. Then I see it. A glove, its tapered black fingers limp on the road like an amputated hand washed up from Idi Amin’s crocodile river. Not quite the normal article. I bend down to pick it up, examine and sniff within – damp in there, sweaty, a leathery feral smell – feline, definitely female. I try my fingers inside and imagine her slim, exited hand – long ivory fingers, bruise-yellow in the clench-creases – their dark reptilian casing now discarded. Snake shed skin.  Now I must go search the far corners of the earth for this pale lady’s hand that once wore the glove, and thence make her my own. Thence? Wrong word surely? 

Wrong time, wrong place. 

Sarah Palin's Yuletide Epistle 2009 by Quintin Forrest

Read by Daisy Whyte

Hey y'all! 

I guess it's that time again! Christmas greetings from the Palins, here in sunny Alaska! 

Well now, 2009. It has been an eventful year for the Palin family. You know us, never a dull moment! But where to begin? With the man of the house, I reckon. 

Jason's Very Last Day at the Lost and Found by PuzzleMonkey

Read by Michael Redston

Every line of work has its indispensible tools. I would have found it impossible to get through some days without my twin-barreled Oerlikon 40 millimetre anti-aircraft gun. Not that you get a lot of low-flying aircraft dropping by the Lost and Found. No, it's because you get some pretty thick-skinned customers and the .50 Browning machine gun just wasn't cutting it any more. 

Commuters' Tails by Liam Hogan

Read by Silas Hawkins

It was just a normal Tuesday. 

I got up late – as usual, and by the time I got to the tube the platform was packed – again, as usual.  There was no way I could have squeezed onto the first train, and I’d have been quite happy to not board the second one either, if it weren’t for the thought of my boss’s snide comments.  Not that they would be limited to my punctuality, or lack of it.  She’d also criticise my attitude, the quality of my work, my appearance, the state of my desk, and even the way I slurped my tea, and all accompanied by a chorus on the state of the economy and how lucky I was to have a job at all. 

Christmas Future by Niall Boyce

Read by Paul Clarke

George was hurrying down the stairs, checking he had his train ticket in his jacket pocket, when he realised his phone was missing.

He groaned and heaved his suitcase back up the three flights to his flat. This was all he needed – it was Christmas Eve, he was already running behind time, and if he missed the train back home, his parents would never let him forget it. He’d have to buy a new ticket and catch a later train, and would probably end up standing for most of the three-hour journey.

Stories chosen for Lost & Found, Tue Dec 9th

Drum roll please ...

1. For Your Ears Only by Bartle Sawbridge, read by Stephen Butterton

2. Commuters' Tails by Liam Hogan, read by Silas Hawkins

3. Christmas Future by Niall Boyce, read by Paul Clarke

4. Jason's Very Last Day at the Lost and Found by "PuzzleMonkey" (needless to say, this is a pseudonym) read by Michael Redston

5. The Steel Rim by Alan McCormick, read by Al Woodhall

6. Sarah Palin's Yuletide Epistle 2009 by Quintin Forrest, read by Daisy Whyte

Plus! Chocolate money, candy canes, free books and free booze after (for actors and writers who have contributed over the year, until the money runs out). See you there!