Liars' League

The Coat by Sarah Courtauld

The Coat MP3

Read by Gloria Sanders

Last year, I chose a pottery class, and Max spent most of the night outside, smoking. This year, it was his turn to choose our secret Valentine’s destination. Now we were in an Uber, and I was blindfolded, gulping prosecco from the bottle, getting it down my neck with every speed bump.

“Where are you taking me?” I asked. But secretly, I already knew. I’d been dropping hints about the Matthew Bourne thing at Sadler’s Wells for months, and the run ended in four days. I couldn’t wait. It was so sweet of him. Ballet wasn’t really his thing, but he knew how much I loved it.

He’d really pulled out all the stops this year, our tenth Valentine’s. He’d even bought me a dress. I tried it on in the bathroom and had to laugh silently, my hand over my mouth. It wasn’t so much a dress, it was more a collection of bright red knots. The whole look was Eurotrash prostitute meets upscale fishing net, and I was the gigantic tuna caught in it, bits of me bulging out in unexpected places.

 

Max's Date by Lucy Smith

Max's Date MP3

Read by Nicholas Delvalle 

Max rented a large apartment on the top two floors of a house on Warwick Square. He used to own a car, a silver Porsche, which he parked in the space right outside the flat, a space he considered his. When the basement flat had taken to parking there, a battered VW with crisp packets and empty juice cartons scattering the back, he had played it cool, bided his time. He could tell they were disorganised, scatty types. They had three kids under four and who in their right mind does that? So he waited until the resident’s permit in the windscreen had run down and then reported it to the council, right on the expiry date. It had been towed within the hour.

Our Winter Tryst by Kim French

Our Winter Tryst MP3

Read by Tony Bell

“I’ve always wanted a Winter Date,” you say.  You turn to catch me looking at you.

“A Winter Date?”

“To stave off the winter blues,” you say.

“Sounds great.  Let’s try it,” I say.

“Five days of every year.  From January 15^th to the 20^th.”

It is not my place to question.

Where did we go first?

“The Crooked House.”

“The Crooked Boot.”

“Prague.”

 

The Gordon Knot by Alan Graham

The Gordon Knot MP3

Read by Louisa Gummer

Heart racing, I get up from the cluttered restaurant table and quickly yet calmly walk over to the till. I smile awkwardly at the head waiter and ask to pay half the bill for table twelve. Then I’m struck by the sudden thought that this isn’t my best strategy here, and I abruptly amend my request. The whole bill, I blurt out. Please can I pay for what we’ve both ordered.

Before you get carried away into thinking my motives here are charitable or selfless, I should probably confess that I’m not being entirely selfless in wanting to pay the entire bill. Office gossip. That’s what I’m worried about. How the all-entangling network of whisperers will react Monday when it learns of my actions. It would get around the place pretty fast that I had waited until the moment that Gordon from Accounts had disappeared to the loo before abandoning our date.

Flat-Packed Love by John Vicious

Flat-Packed Love MP3

Read by Grace Cookey-Gam

‘So, where do we start?’ He claps his hands together excitedly, and posts a wide grin in my direction, appropriating all the space in the room.

‘With the instructions?’ I motion to the pamphlet on the floor, which was expelled from the packaging when he decided to rip it open. Upon it is an illustration of the metal-framed bed, perfectly constructed, symmetrical, resolved. Above the picture, ‘SOMN’ is printed in austere capital letters. I don’t know how you pronounce it. He leaps across the wood and metal bars strewn asunder on the floor – as I said, his doing – and falls to his knees to inspect the booklet. Why is he on my floor? I wonder to myself. Two other people offered to help me, and I selected him. And now he is poring over this instruction pamphlet in earnest, scratching his stubbled chin side-to-side like a grotesque caricature.

Valentine's Day event: MATE & DATE on Tuesday 14th February, featuring Book Lovers' Blind Date

 

No matter what's happening politically, climatically or globally, on Valentine's Day love is always in the air - so our first show of 2017 (which happens to fall on Tuesday 14th February) is MATE & DATE (click for Facebook event). We've got five fantastic stories which will sweep you off your feet, with sex parties, dirty weekends, forbidden love, runaway genitals, furniture-building with exes and the world's worst babysitter. PLUS: Don't yet have a date for Valentine's? Find true love via your favourite book with Liars' League! (see below)

MATE & DATE WINNING STORIES

(Click here for the YouTube playlist of all the story videos)

 

Max's Date by Lucy Smith *NEW AUTHOR* read by Nicholas Delvalle
The Coat by Sarah Courtauld *NEW AUTHOR* read by Gloria Sanders
Flat-Packed Love by John Vicious *NEW AUTHOR* read by Grace Cookey-Gam
Our Winter Tryst by Kim French *NEW AUTHOR* read by Tony Bell
The Gordon Knot by Alan Graham read by Louisa Gummer

 

Do you love books? Do you love love? Then we have your perfect solution to singledom in the shape of our Book Lovers' Blind Date! It's ridiculously simple: you email [email protected] with your name, age, preferred gender of date and title of your favourite book, and we match you up with a stranger, based on your literary taste. Don't sweat Valentine's - just kick back, relax and let us do the hard work of matchmaking. Not only will you definitely find the love of your life*, you'll also get free sweeties, the chance to win brand new books in our infamous literary quiz, and a night of brilliant stories to discuss with your new squeeze into the bargain. 

 

(Please note: you don't HAVE to join in the blind date to come along, it's just a service we're offering to single folk in February. As ever, absolutely everyone - couples, friends, groups, large coach parties - is welcome to join us for our usual winning combination of stories and booze.)
 

Doors open at 7pm for a 7.30 start and it's just £5 on the door (cash only). We usually finish around 9.30 and stick around for a drink after. Seating is first come first served - so it's an idea to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good table - but if you have a party of five or more you can reserve a table by calling 07808 939535. 

The venue is in the basement bar (accessibility note - there are stairs) of:
The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square
London
W1G 0PP

Nearest tube (a 5 minute walk) is Oxford Circus (Victoria, Central & Bakerloo lines).

*Liars' League cannot guarantee that you will definitely find the love of your life, but c'mon, it's got to be worth a shot.