Liars' League

National Gallery Winner: The Ugly Duchess by Fiona Salter

Inspired by An Old Woman (“The Ugly Duchess”) by Quentin Massys, on show at the National Gallery, room 5

The Ugly Duchess MP3

Read by Claire Lacey

He thought I didn’t know. But I did.

Thirty years after he first painted me, I’m sitting for Quentin Massys again. But this time I know what’s behind every brushstroke; he barely looks at me, he’s so focused on his mockery. I could get up and wander round to check the canvas, but I’m stiff and tired, and besides I can picture it only too well.

Tits on a shelf, last century’s fashion jauntily wrapped round wrinkled neck, and the piece de resistance, a fresh rosebud nestled between withered dugs.

Margerete Maultasch the drinkers shout after me, before they melt into the darkness of the bierkeller doorway.

I’ve heard it all before. Not so much in Durnstein, my home town, no they were used to my - how shall I say, jolie-laide features, my ‘unconventional’ looks. In rural Carpathia, we lived in a world of wounded, and those wounds festered. Club-footed children, pock-marked matrons, people twisted by arthritis or accidents of birth. Herr Kirsch had a nub of a hand where the lathe had slipped. Karolus’ right arm hung uselessly since a cart crushed him against a wall. Tuberculosis, tetanus, a rusty nail, an infection - if these things didn’t kill you they left their mark, leaving you with a harsher life and a new nickname.

We knew that nature could delight in the disfiguring oakapple as much as tender blossom. And we accepted that. But in Vienna people were less forgiving – there was an edge to their comments. What does she think she looks like? Don’t mind if I don’t. Hammel Kleider als Lamm: mutton dressed as lamb. Put them away dear. No, don’t think you’re the first to say that.

 

National Gallery Winner: Desperately Seeking Hephaestion by Elizabeth Hopkinson

Inspired by The Family of Darius before Alexander by Paolo Veronese, in the National Gallery, room 9

Desperately Seeking Hephaestion MP3

Read by Nick Delvallé

Plato once said that each of us is a man divided, always seeking his other half. I suppose this is what Aristotle was thinking of when he called Alexander and me, “one soul residing in two bodies.” The question is: whose soul? That’s what I’ve always wanted to know.

In the early days, we had a lot of fun. Back when we used to hang in the Palazzo on the Grand Canal. We used to swap clothes on a regular basis. Then we’d trade places and bite our cheeks to avoid giggling as viewers stared at the painting in bafflement.

“But which one is Alexander?” they’d say.

When they’d gone, we would bend double with laughter, holding onto one another and wiping our eyes.

Only later did the question sink in. Which one is Alexander? Never: which one is Hephaestion?

 

National Gallery Winner: Authenticity & the Madonna by Ingrid Jendrzejewski

Inspired by The Virgin and Child (‘The Madonna with the Iris’) Workshop of Albrecht Dürer, National Gallery, room 65

Authenticity and the Madonna MP3

Read by Sarah Feathers

So I’m just back from maternity leave and I’ve been asked to give this talk on authenticity and art. My baby isn’t sleeping – I’m not sleeping – it’s all a bit crazy and when I was trying to get my thoughts together, you know, to actually prepare something, well, my baby sicked up all over my notes. And not just any old sick. Nothing you could just magic away with a wet-wipe. Oh no, I’m talking projectile soakage.

And by ‘my’ notes, I mean the notes I borrowed from a colleague who has given talks like this before, so it’s not like I had a back-up copy or anything and she’s on holiday and isn’t responding to e-mail, and so well, here I am.

Here I am, and here we all are, and although I feel like I should admit to you right here and now that I’m no big expert on art or art history or attribution or anything like that, when it comes to the painting I’m going to talk about, ‘The Madonna with the Iris’, I have a hell of a lot to say about authenticity.

Right, so let’s get the facts out of the way. The painting’s full title is listed as ‘The Virgin and Child (The Madonna with the Iris)’. It’s oil on lime, thought to have been produced somewhere between 1500 and 1520, and is said to be from the workshop of Albrecht Dürer.

The Art Fund bought it in 1945, and even then there were questions about its attribution: the minutes from the Board Meeting in which its acquisition was discussed state, “The Board must not purchase it as an authentic Dürer”. Then in 1959, it was accused of being, and I quote, “almost suspiciously full of Dürer motifs” by curator Michael Levey.

 

National Gallery Winner: Stilleven by Gregory Jackson

Inspired by Still Life: Pewter and Silver Vessels and a Crab by Willem Claeszoon Heda, on display at the National Gallery, room 14

Stilleven MP3

Read by David Mildon

The winter of 1634 is a cold one. The Spaarne freezes and the fair is still going late in February. The days are short and Osias finds it hard to mix the paint with numb fingers.

“Come on, boy,” says Willem. “I’m not working beyond three today. I need to get laid.”

It is a grand house in the new style. Heer Cuyp, the merchant, Willem’s client, is a short man with a large wife and an African servant, a second shadow who trails him through the house. The servant has caught a cold. Each time he sneezes Willem starts, the brush leaping in his hand.

“Get me some wax, Osias. My nerves will not survive this.”

The merchant is forever moving between the rooms of his house. Osias has noticed a similar restlessness in other clients. The new rich. They never seem entirely happy. This wealth is a novelty and they appear uncomfortable with it. Osias has watched them in the Grote Markt, haggling with the silversmiths and the craftsmen. They are tight-fisted and argumentative, and their wives have eyes that cannot settle. Money is a hot chestnut to be passed from hand to hand. They build their houses, they take on more servants, they gild their looking glasses and fill their coffers. And yet, curiously, they do not appear capable of enjoying these riches. Willem paints a picture to remind them what their toil has reaped. A mirror held up to their achievement.

 

National Gallery Winner: The Lost Species by Jenny Ramsay

Inspired by Surprised! by Henri Rousseau, on display in the National Gallery, room 45

The Lost Species MP3

Read by Miranda Harrison

I'm walking behind you - walking, stumbling - trying to fix my eyes on the triangle of sweat that clamps your t-shirt to your back.  Now I'm cursing your khaki camouflage as you slip in and out of my vision, swallowed up by a tangle of lianas, palms and ferns.

"Hurry up!" you shout, without looking back, "it's getting dark already."

I'm going as fast as I can, hacking at the mass of vegetation that clings to my legs. You're doing the hard work - clearing the path ahead, slashing a way through the woody vines - but whatever your machete hits seems to spring back behind you with renewed vigour.

"We'll be okay," I say, "as long as we follow the river."

But you're too far ahead already, my words lost to the forest.

The glimpses of your back - and your sweat-matted hair - are fewer now. Then none.

I follow the trail of severed vines, but it's getting hard to see in the dimming light. I reach for my rucksack, praying that I packed my torch, though I never expected to need it.  I find insect repellent, camera, snacks, water, notepad, maps. No torch.

 

National Gallery Story Competition: WINNERS for 22nd July event!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As part of The National Gallery’s celebrated Friday Lates, we ran our first ever short story competition for unpublished short stories of 1000-2000 words inspired by paintings or galleries - and boy were we impressed by the response! We had 88 submissions, and after much wrangling and debate, chose the five winners listed below. Heartfelt congratulations to these successful authors, and thanks to everyone who entered - the standard was extremely high and many of the stories really excellent. 

The five winning stories will be read live by our professional actors in the elegant Room 61 of the National Gallery on the evening of their summertime Friday Late, which is themed around Inspiration. The event will take place from 6 to 9pm on Friday 22^nd July 2016. It's FREE and we encourage you to come along, admire the artwork, and of course listen to the stories! The winners will be published online after the event as text, podcast and HD video.

NATIONAL GALLERY COMPETITION: WINNING STORIES

(and performance times on 22 July)

6.15pm - Authenticity and the Madonna by Ingrid Jendrzejewski, read by Sarah Feathers

inspired by Madonna with the Iris, workshop of Albrecht Durer

 

6.45pm - Stilleven by Gregory Jackson, read by David Mildon

inspired by Still Life with Pewter Vessels and Crab by Willem Claeszoon Heda

 

7.15pm - The Lost Species by Jenny Ramsay, read by Miranda Harrison

inspired by Surprised! by Henri Rousseau

 

7.45pm - Desperately Seeking Hephaestion by Elizabeth Hopkinson, read by Nicholas Delvalle

inspired by The Family of Darius before Alexander by Paolo Veronese

 

8.15pm - The Ugly Duchess by Fiona Salter, read by Claire Lacey

inspired by An Old Woman (The Ugly Duchess) by Quinten Massys

We were so impressed by the standard of work that we would also like to congratulate those who made the shortlist below, some of which we have singled out as Highly Commended (and some more of which we would love to consider for future events ... we'll email authors individually.)

NATIONAL GALLERY COMPETITION: SHORTLIST

Man on a Ladder by Caroline Greene *HIGHLY COMMENDED*
Olive at the Gallery by Sadie Nott *HIGHLY COMMENDED*
Pruinescence by Claire Lawrence *HIGHLY COMMENDED*
Sid & Henry James by Jeremy Galgut *HIGHLY COMMENDED*
They Were the Only Ones Dancing by Emily Bullock *HIGHLY COMMENDED*

Michaela, No Saint, Triumphs over the Devil by Barney Walsh
Repetitions by Arike Oke
The Beginning of Wisdom by Raymond Walker
The Last Man on Earth by Anstey Spraggan
The Morning Walk by Emily Longmore

Bonus fun facts:

- The two most popular paintings on which to base a story were Turner's The Fighting Temeraire and Gainsborough's Mr & Mrs Andrews, both of which had three stories written about them. 

 

- The next most inspiring artworks, prompting two stories each, were van Eyck's The Arnolfini Portrait, Degas's Miss La La at the Cirque Fernando, Matisse's Portrait of Greta Moll, Rousseau's Surprised! and Renoir's At the Theatre (La Premiere Sortie).

 

Curious? Click the titles to check out the paintings ... and come along to the National Gallery on Friday 22nd July to check out the winning stories!

 

NEXT EVENT: NATIONAL GALLERY 'INSPIRATION' LATE

Friday 22nd July, 6-9pm, FREE

The National Gallery, Trafalgar Square, 

London WC2N 5DN