Liars' League

The Last Cat on Mars by Quintin Forrest

Read by Alex Woodhall

I don’t suppose anyone will ever read this.

I’m torn between hoping they do, because then the cat, Fripp, and I might yet be saved, and maybe even hailed as returning space heroes. And also hoping they don’t, because what would the astronauts find? Tattered notes, turning to dust in the dry, red winds, and a couple of skeletons sat at the console, one in the chair, one on the keyboard, in however many years’ time. A half empty flask of home-brewed vodka, if we ever get our shit together, literally, to grow potatoes, and something on the wall about how Mars is a bad scene. Old blues tunes on the laptop. Selfies of us on a long-dead phone. Will Fripp and I be rescued before we lose it completely? I fear that ship may have already sailed.

Certain Promises, Certain Threats by Rhys Timson

Read by Oliver Yellop

You will think you are safe, when you see me. You will take in the white robes, the feathery wings and the halo, and you will think your troubles are over. Little will you know that your troubles will have only just begun.

By the time I arrive, you will have been there for a few days, in the lower place. Time has no meaning there, in Limbo, but it will feel like a few days to you. My associates will have visited you by then, made certain promises and certain threats. I will have told them not to touch you, but what I am not there to see, I cannot prevent.

Chaos Reigns by E.P. Henderson

Read by Gloria Sanders

In the Uber back from the final count, Ceri and Jack were speechless with shock and delight. Neither of them had managed a mayoral campaign before – nobody else would have taken a chance on them, honestly – and they’d done it. Their candidate had fucking won!

Jack tugged feverishly at his artisanal haircut. “Oh my God. Wow. This is … Christ!” He turned to Ceri, Manga-eyed. “You know what this means?!”

“Yeah!” yelped Ceri. “CV gold! We nailed it! And also I have to call my mum right now. She’s such a Tory.”

“It means Augaenysse controls everything,” said Jack slowly. “Transport. Education. Infrastructure.”

Ceri stopped, iPhone half-out of her original 90s puffa jacket. Augaenysse was a wicked boss, truly unique, but actually, you know, running London?

The Capture of Whitehall by David McGrath

Read by the author

Boris Johnson woke up in his underpants on the floor of Number Ten. Carrie had gone to her mother’s with the baby. She left a note to say they were done and she’d see him in court. That he was nothing but a selfish toad. His model bus was still in pieces all around him from where he had smashed it in rage the night before. Boris Johnson liked to make buses. He had this thing where he made models of buses. He would get old wooden crates and turn them into buses and paint passengers enjoying themselves on the wonderful bus. And now his bus was broken because he had broken it and what a terrible time over which to preside.

Mary had coffee for him. ‘Good morning, sir.’

‘I dreamt I was dead.’

‘Have some coffee. I’ll get your trousers.’

Frozen by Todd Wells

Read by Sophie Cartman

David took off his gloves and rubbed his hands together, close to the heat of the fire. He looked across the flames at his wife, and wiped his nose. Molly was fishing in the bag for a marshmallow. Her hair flowed out of her lavender knit cap, framing her beautiful face. David waited until he thought she was looking at him, then wiped his nose again, more vigorously this time. They had met ten years ago, an anniversary they were celebrating with this camping trip, and though David now found her more attractive than ever, she still wasn't getting the hint.

David attacked the middle of his face with one last effort. He didn't want to disturb the ambience with verbal instructions, but he was out of options. Then, fate saved him in the form of a snowflake, which landed on the tip of Molly's nose. She smiled at the snowflake's tickle, and rubbed at her nose with the back of her glove, removing both the snowflake and the dried snot that had been the object of David's irritation. He relaxed.

Latest event: ORDER & CHAOS

NEXT EVENT: Tuesday August 10th - WOMEN & GIRLS: Our 5th annual celebration of stories about and by women & girls. N.B. For the avoidance of doubt, we are ONLY seeking submissions from female authors writing female protagonists for this theme. (Our usual male:female submission ratio is about 2:1 so this is our way of helping to redress the imbalance, in case you're curious ...)

 

To reserve tickets for the Women & Girls event, please see below for instructions on how to book and pay. Tickets are £5 per person, Maximum number of people at any one table is 6, but you can request adjacent tables when booking.

 

LATEST EVENT: ORDER & CHAOS (see below)

In the beginning, the earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep. And the spirit of live fiction moved over the face of the waters ... And then the Liars got all their votes in, and a new order was come! It was rich with naked hikers and chaos Empresses and cats on Mars, mighty with evil angels and model buses, and it was GOOD.

 

WINNING STORIES for ORDER & CHAOS

Chaos Reigns by E P Henderson, read by Gloria Sanders

Frozen by Todd Wells new author, read by Sophie Cartman

The Last Cat on Mars by Quintin Forrest, read by Al Woodhall

The Capture of Whitehall by David McGrath, read by the author

Certain Promises, Certain Threats by Rhys Timson, read by Oliver Yellop

 

Next event: FOOLS & SAGES - Tuesday May 18th at The Phoenix

We've gazed into our crystal ball and are delighted to reveal the six profound and absurd stories to grace our next event, FOOLS & SAGES! So if you like ripped, naked priests, mysterious messages, spirit animals, deceitful advisers, eunuchs, keyworkers, dragons, knights, or indeed rabbis, we have the event for you!

 

The show is on Tuesday May 18th. Doors open at 6.30pm for a 7.30 start, downstairs at The Phoenix pub, 37 Cavendish Square, London W1G 0PP (tube: Oxford Circus). Tickets are strictly limited and £5 in advance

 

(UPDATE 17/5/21: INITIAL ALLOCATION SOLD OUT BUT 10 MORE TICKETS RELEASED!)

 

Please see below for how to reserve your spot. We are SO pleased to be live again and hope to see you there!

 

WINNING STORIES for FOOLS & SAGES

 

The Guru by Fiona Salter, read by Paul Clarke

He is Coming by Callum Jacobs, read by Claire Louise Amias

Billy's Ghost Dug by Emma Grae, read by Silas Hawkins

The Dragon, the Knight and the Rabbi by Elizabeth Hopkinson, read by Stephen Butterton

Ordinary Men Must Die by G. C. Perry, read by Lin Sagovsky

Heroes & Fools by Brian Kelly, read by Jeremiah O'Connor

 

Ticket booking info is underneath the pretty Tarot lady ...

 

The Fool from the Modern Witch Tarot

 

TICKETS & EVENT INFO (the small print stuff)

TL:DR

- Tickets are limited to 50
- and are a low low £5
- but you have to book a table even if it's just you. Singletons book tables for 2.
- please book and pay through Paypal using the orange Donate button above, top right

THE LONG VERSION

Please book a TABLE (for however many are in your group - max 6) rather than individual tickets, as pubs are not allowed to seat people of different "groups" (even if that group is only one person) together. So we strongly suggest you contact your friends if you think they'll be coming, and book a table together. If you're on your own just book a table for 2, but these are limited. 

 

Tickets will be limited to 40 (assuming all tables are full - may be slightly fewer if some tables are not full), and our ticket price remains a furlough-favouring £5.

 

PLEASE NOTE that ALL guests are required to do track & trace at the venue - if you don't have the NHS app you can fill in your details on paper. 

 

How to book: Please use the Donate button on the top right of the LL website page (look up, look right, it's small and orangey-yellow ...) to donate the price of however many tickets you want to us. So a table for 6 would be £30, but a table for 2 with only one guest is £5 because we're not going to punish you for not filling a table. Here's how you do it.

 

- Click the Donate button

- Enter the amount: £5 for 1 ticket, £10 for 2 etc. (you have to type in 5 - 0 - 0 for £5, it's slightly non-intuitive)

- Click Donate. This will take you to your Paypal login (if you don't have Paypal get someone else on your table to pay for tickets :) 

- IMPORTANT: Where it says Add a note please enter your name plus how many you want on your table. E.g. Katy Darby, Table for 4. Track & trace/QR code stuff is done at the venue so we don't need everyone's names, just the booker's.

- Ideally, tick the Share your email address button so we can contact you if there's any problem

- Click Donate Now

- And you're done! 

 

N.B. ALL donated funds (after Paypal fees) support contributing actors & authors: we take nothing.