Liars' League

Christmas event: Friends & Family

Our festive FRIENDS & FAMILY Christmas show took place on Tuesday 14th December at our regular home of The Phoenix, and the line-up of seasonal stories features everything you need for the perfect Christmas:

1) Lying awake worrying about stuff
2) Terrible Yuletide telly
3) Murder
4) Inedible cake
5) Drunken rows over the turkey
6) Soul-shaking sex
7) ... and a little bit of Christmas magic

 

 

FRIENDS & FAMILY WINNING STORIES

Uhtceara by E. J. Fry, read by Peter Kenny

Practically Family by Rosa Müller, read by Claire Louise Amias

Cocktails and Candy Canes by Pete Armstrong, read by Tony Bell 

Jesús, Mary & Joseph Try for a Christmas Orgasm by Dave McGrath, read by the author

Just a Nice Family Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt

Christmas Special by Rhys Timson, read by Patsy Prince

 

PLUS! *Stocking surprise* (online only) Baking Day by Angela Sherlock, read by Lin Sagovsky

 

ALSO INCLUDING! Mince pies - book quiz - tinsel - crackers - Quality Street (if you're lucky) - free drinks (if you've had a story performed, or read one yourself in 2021) - and MORE!

Doors open at 6.30pm for a 7pm start.

PLEASE NOTE EARLIER THAN USUAL START TIME OF 7PM

Booking tickets online in advance (see below) is the best way to make sure you get a seat (and a mince pie). 

The venue is the basement bar, downstairs at:
The Phoenix pub
37 Cavendish Square,
London W1G 0PP (tube: Oxford Circus).
Access info: stairs down to the basement, no lift unfortunately.

HOW TO BOOK:

- Tickets are limited to 50
- and are a mere £5 each
- but you have to book a table unless you're on your own, in which case you can pick any free seat when you get there. Table sizes can be from 2-10 people.
- please reserve your table, stating no. of guests, by paying via Paypal using the orange Donate button above, top right

Our festive FRIENDS & FAMILY Christmas show took place on Tuesday 14th December at our regular home of The Phoenix, and the line-up of seasonal stories features everything you need for the perfect Christmas:

1) Lying awake worrying about stuff
2) Terrible Yuletide telly
3) Murder
4) Inedible cake
5) Drunken rows over the turkey
6) Soul-shaking sex
7) ... and a little bit of Christmas magic

 

 

FRIENDS & FAMILY WINNING STORIES

Uhtceara by E. J. Fry, read by Peter Kenny

Practically Family by Rosa Müller, read by Claire Louise Amias

Cocktails and Candy Canes by Pete Armstrong, read by Tony Bell 

Jesús, Mary & Joseph Try for a Christmas Orgasm by Dave McGrath, read by the author

Just a Nice Family Christmas by E. P. Henderson, read by Lucy Mabbitt

Christmas Special by Rhys Timson, read by Patsy Prince

 

PLUS! *Stocking surprise* (online only) Baking Day by Angela Sherlock, read by Lin Sagovsky

 

ALSO INCLUDING! Mince pies - book quiz - tinsel - crackers - Quality Street (if you're lucky) - free drinks (if you've had a story performed, or read one yourself in 2021) - and MORE!

Doors open at 6.30pm for a 7pm start.

PLEASE NOTE EARLIER THAN USUAL START TIME OF 7PM

Booking tickets online in advance (see below) is the best way to make sure you get a seat (and a mince pie). 

The venue is the basement bar, downstairs at:
The Phoenix pub
37 Cavendish Square,
London W1G 0PP (tube: Oxford Circus).
Access info: stairs down to the basement, no lift unfortunately.

HOW TO BOOK:

- Tickets are limited to 50
- and are a mere £5 each
- but you have to book a table unless you're on your own, in which case you can pick any free seat when you get there. Table sizes can be from 2-10 people.
- please reserve your table, stating no. of guests, by paying via Paypal using the orange Donate button above, top right

Time Gentlemen Please by Stephen Kehoe

Read by Oliver Yellop

Dracula Lord of Darkness, scourge of Romania, drinker of blood and defiler of virgins, prince of the night, terror of the ages, beast-master of many forms and dread count of Transylvania since time immemorial, licks his razor-sharp incisors in a fiendish fashion and laughs. “Mwhahahahaaa!”

He’s just rolled a twenty.

It’s games night down the Red Hellhound, and the fortnightly league game of Dungeons and Humans is in full swing. Placing an exquisitely painted lead figurine on the gameboard with a confident thwack, he intones in a devilishly deep baritone: “I go through the door.”

Dracula is proud of his character. He’s been playing the same one for a year now. A level 7 IT consultant from the kingdom of Croydon. Called Colin. Special skills include: turning it off and on again, and talking about GDPR.

The Fear by Emma Grae

Read by Lois Tucker

We’ve aw been there. A nicht oan the tiles. Dancin shoes oan. Tarted up like a Gregg’s donut at the front o the display. An innocent enough wee swally - or so ye hink. Then, a few hoor later, yer poundin heid goes: ‘Whit the puck did ye dae last nicht?’

The Fear. It’s a well-kenned phenomenon. But seriously whit could ye really dae and furget aboot it? It’s been playin oan a loop in ma heid aw mornin.

Ah wis at ma pal Jamie and his burd’s last nicht. It wisnae a big wan. Three drinks. Max. Then ah callt a taxi hame. Lassies cannae be too careful and aw that. Plus, the tube’s probably hoachin wi the Rhona, never mind the vomit-stained nicht bus.

Mister Merlin by Sally Wild

Read by Stephen Butterton

It’s not my real name. It’s just my stage name, written on both sides of my little sky-blue van: MISTER MERLIN, it says, in huge ornate lettering. And then underneath, in block capitals: CHILDREN’S PARTIES, BIRTHDAY PARTIES, CHRISTMAS PARTIES, OFFICE PARTIES – ANYTHING!

Alice used to say that the ANYTHING! at the end looked a bit desperate. She was probably right. Alice isn’t her real name, either. Names have been changed to protect us all. She always said I should stick at it, if it made me happy. It didn’t matter that we had no money. So I stuck at it. I did other work, of course - work that actually paid the bills - but I soon realised this is the only thing I’m any good at. And it made me happy. And if I was happy, Alice was happy, and if Alice was happy, I was happy. Isn’t that great? Sorry - I’ve had a beer.

Set for Life by Zannier Alejandra

Read by Keleigh Wolf

The forty-second floor office is preposterously swanky. I don’t think I have been at a place of business above third floor before. It seems the higher they get, the more luxurious they must become.

This particular office looks like something out of a TV show about sexy lawyers, saving the world one pro-bono case at the time. 

But it is not a law firm. And I’m definitely not an impossibly well-dressed lawyer. I am currently wearing a black polyester suit that I bought for a Hillary Clinton costume back in Halloween 2016. My shoes are equally unstylish and full of scrape marks, which I tried to cover up with a sharpie but it turned out to be purple highlighter.

The Trial of Goodwife Cutler by Ken Towl

Read by Silas Hawkins

When, on St. Crispin’s Day 1416, in the fourth year of the reign of Henry V and the first anniversary of the battle of Agincourt, Goodwife Mary was brought before the assizes in Guildford, her sex presented the court with something of a conundrum.

In English common law, maiming was the malicious rendering of the victim “less able to annoy his adversary”. Typically, this might involve dismemberment or the gouging of the eyes. Mayhem, as it was then called, was a serious felony. In those days when Exodus, Leviticus and Deuteronomy were respected legal authority, the sentence called for the loss of the like part, membrum pro membro, as the learned justices would have it.

The particular act that she had allegedly committed on her husband was the removal, by means of his own eating knife, of his privy member. Should she be found liable for this egregious act, it was difficult to see how she could be made to forfeit what she did not have.

The Pumpkin and the Vampire by Hannah Hoare

Read by Miranda Harrison

“So,” said the Vampire, tying his cape. “We’re walking, I presume?”

“We’ll take the car,” the Pumpkin said, with barely a pause.

Frowning, the Vampire turned from the mirror to study his friend. “Really? You think that’s a good idea, after last year?”

“Definitely,” said the Pumpkin. He dabbed at his make-up with a tissue. “If this party’s as wild as the one last year, we’ll be way too pissed to walk back afterwards. We’re taking the car.”

MAGIC & MAYHEM Hallowe'en Stories on Tuesday 12th October

Carve the pumpkin and bob the apples! We've picked a treat-bag of ghoulish fictional goodies to creep your flesh and chill your bones for our MAGIC & MAYHEM Hallowe'en special (click for Facebook event) on Tuesday 12th October at The Phoenix!

There are ghosts, gods, maybe-murderesses, birthday magic, Middle Ages maulings, undead D&D players & a special appearance by Buffy - plus our horrific literary quiz, & all the FREE sweets you can cram in your face. And as ever, tickets are only £5!

WINNING STORIES for MAGIC & MAYHEM

The Fear by Emma Grae, read by Lois Tucker
Mister Merlin by Sally Wild, read by Stephen Butterton
Time Gentlemen Please by Stephen Kehoe, read by Oliver Yellop
The Pumpkin and the Vampire by Hannah Hoare, read by Miranda Harrison
Set for Life by Zannier Alejandra, read by Keleigh Wolf

PLUS bonus 6th story: The Trial of Goodwife Cutler by Ken Towl, read by Silas Hawkins

VENUE, TICKETS & EVENT INFO

The show is on Tuesday 12th October. Doors open at 6.30pm for a 7.30pm start. Please book tickets online in advance (see below) - that's the best way to make sure you get a seat (and a treat ...) 

The venue is the basement bar, downstairs at:
The Phoenix pub
37 Cavendish Square,
London W1G 0PP (tube: Oxford Circus).

Access info: stairs down to the basement, no lift unfortunately.

 

Plague of Exes, 1349 by Lauren Van Schaik

Plague of Exes 1349 MP3

Read by Gloria Sanders

Lauren Van Schaik’s short fiction has been shortlisted for the Galley Beggar Short Story Prize and The White Review Short Story Prize, published by the Cincinnati Review and performed by Liars’ League. She has an MA in Creative Writing from UEA and is working on a novel. 

 

 

Gloria Sanders trained at Drama Studio London. She regularly narrates audiobooks for the RNIB and recently joined the cast of Time Will Tell’s Dracula at Whitby Abbey. She often works as an historical interpreter at heritage sites around the country and has continued her training in clowning and historic fooling. She recently qualified as a Spanish Interpreter.

 

 

Oh Little Beast by Molly Skinner

Oh Little Beast MP3

Read by Annalie Wilson 

Alice pulled the flowers from her mother’s crystal vase and threw them, yellow and bright, into the bin. They barely made a sound as they hit the bottom – but the baby stirred all the same.

Rosy-cheeked and wide awake, it mocked the blackout blinds she’d made her husband install and stared right at her as she opened the door.

Good morning my little love, she chirped.

Swoosh. Welcome in sunlight. Swoosh. Welcome in day. Swoosh. Welcome in sweet-promise-of-another-go-around.

Read the full text of this story over at TheShortStory.co.uk

 

Molly Skinner’s work has appeared in print on her mum’s fridge and in the body of emails entitled “could you proof this?” Formerly she co-managed the indie press Peirene Press. She has an MA in Art History from the Courtauld Institute of Art and this is her first published work.

 

Annalie Wilson is an actor, singer, songwriter and music producer. She has acted in theatre, musicals, film and TV, and particularly enjoys working with new writing. After a few years releasing music under her alter ego Luna Bec she has returned to her original name with her recent single “Coming Home,” which can be streamed in all the usual places. More at www.annalie.co.uk

How a Body Likes her Breakfast by Cathy Browne

Read by Kim Scopes

I am the body he shoves and kicks under the bushes so deep that the dogs scratch their noses on the thorns and the police have to use torches to find my pale hand curled in a claw among the brambles.

I am the body that makes all this fuss. Yellow tape and gloves and white jumpsuits. They don’t want to disturb me in case they spoil the evidence, but they can’t see any evidence whilst I am stuck under a bush either.

I am the body they hesitate to bury. I am searched inside and out and all over. They comb through every particle of me and they are not even looking for me at all, they are looking for him. Did he leave any of himself behind?

Vengeance by Mina Ma

Vengeance MP3

Read by Josie Charles

The two men appeared in the car park at six o’clock. The sun was beginning to set, glowing behind them like a warning, but they didn’t take heed.

At first, they were just faceless black shapes striding out of the orange blaze. One was taller and broader than the other. The shorter one swung his arms more. They walked side-by-side. Perhaps they were brothers, or friends, or lovers.

They came closer, and became clearer.

Goddess Interrupted by Lyndsey Croal

Read by Lois Tucker

Burning alive isn’t a fate I would wish upon anyone. Of all the ways I had died, it was the worst. Flames licked across skin that hadn’t seen the sunlight in three months. Smoke stung in my lungs like acid. And all the while faces that I’d come to call my friends and neighbours gawked on, delighting in the horror of such an act. It’s no wonder that eternal flames are used to torment dark souls in the underworld – at least the small mercy was that for me it didn’t last forever.

I was careless for getting caught, though I had only been trying to help the harvest, by bringing forth the rain and stilling the wind. Alas, in this period of history into which I was transplanted, I was not heralded as a deity to be worshipped or a nymph to be respected, but as a heretic and devil worshipper.

Latest event: WOMEN & GIRLS, Tuesday 10th August at The Phoenix

"Who Run the World?" - Artwork by Nour Tohme 

 

Our 5th annual celebration of stories about and by Women & Girls was performed to a packed crowd on Tuesday 10th August at The Phoenix, with six slices of fantastic new fiction read aloud LIVE by our marvellous Liars' League actresses. It featured Mormons, murder, mediums, malicious moths, medieval maladies, Shakespeare & more - and the stories, videos and podcast are available to read, watch & listen to right now! 

WINNING STORIES for WOMEN & GIRLS

Plague of Exes, 1349 by Lauren Van Schaik, read by Gloria Sanders
Goddess Interrupted by Lyndsey Croal, read by Lois Tucker
How a Body likes her Breakfast by Cathy Browne, read by Kim Scopes
Oh Little Beast by Molly Skinner, read by Annalie Wilson
Vengeance by Mina Ma, read by Josie Charles
Lear in LA by Sakki Selznick, read by Sophie Cartman

Inspired to write for us?

NEXT DEADLINE: 11.59pm on Sunday 5th September for MAGIC & MAYHEM (event on Tuesday 12th October):

This Hallowe'en season, enchant (or curse) us with your most soul-searing stories of sorcery, necromancy, blood sacrifice, crazed rituals, inchoate horrors from a realm of unspeakable chaos ... you know the drill. 

The Last Cat on Mars by Quintin Forrest

Read by Alex Woodhall

I don’t suppose anyone will ever read this.

I’m torn between hoping they do, because then the cat, Fripp, and I might yet be saved, and maybe even hailed as returning space heroes. And also hoping they don’t, because what would the astronauts find? Tattered notes, turning to dust in the dry, red winds, and a couple of skeletons sat at the console, one in the chair, one on the keyboard, in however many years’ time. A half empty flask of home-brewed vodka, if we ever get our shit together, literally, to grow potatoes, and something on the wall about how Mars is a bad scene. Old blues tunes on the laptop. Selfies of us on a long-dead phone. Will Fripp and I be rescued before we lose it completely? I fear that ship may have already sailed.

Certain Promises, Certain Threats by Rhys Timson

Read by Oliver Yellop

You will think you are safe, when you see me. You will take in the white robes, the feathery wings and the halo, and you will think your troubles are over. Little will you know that your troubles will have only just begun.

By the time I arrive, you will have been there for a few days, in the lower place. Time has no meaning there, in Limbo, but it will feel like a few days to you. My associates will have visited you by then, made certain promises and certain threats. I will have told them not to touch you, but what I am not there to see, I cannot prevent.

Chaos Reigns by E.P. Henderson

Read by Gloria Sanders

In the Uber back from the final count, Ceri and Jack were speechless with shock and delight. Neither of them had managed a mayoral campaign before – nobody else would have taken a chance on them, honestly – and they’d done it. Their candidate had fucking won!

Jack tugged feverishly at his artisanal haircut. “Oh my God. Wow. This is … Christ!” He turned to Ceri, Manga-eyed. “You know what this means?!”

“Yeah!” yelped Ceri. “CV gold! We nailed it! And also I have to call my mum right now. She’s such a Tory.”

“It means Augaenysse controls everything,” said Jack slowly. “Transport. Education. Infrastructure.”

Ceri stopped, iPhone half-out of her original 90s puffa jacket. Augaenysse was a wicked boss, truly unique, but actually, you know, running London?

The Capture of Whitehall by David McGrath

Read by the author

Boris Johnson woke up in his underpants on the floor of Number Ten. Carrie had gone to her mother’s with the baby. She left a note to say they were done and she’d see him in court. That he was nothing but a selfish toad. His model bus was still in pieces all around him from where he had smashed it in rage the night before. Boris Johnson liked to make buses. He had this thing where he made models of buses. He would get old wooden crates and turn them into buses and paint passengers enjoying themselves on the wonderful bus. And now his bus was broken because he had broken it and what a terrible time over which to preside.

Mary had coffee for him. ‘Good morning, sir.’

‘I dreamt I was dead.’

‘Have some coffee. I’ll get your trousers.’

Frozen by Todd Wells

Read by Sophie Cartman

David took off his gloves and rubbed his hands together, close to the heat of the fire. He looked across the flames at his wife, and wiped his nose. Molly was fishing in the bag for a marshmallow. Her hair flowed out of her lavender knit cap, framing her beautiful face. David waited until he thought she was looking at him, then wiped his nose again, more vigorously this time. They had met ten years ago, an anniversary they were celebrating with this camping trip, and though David now found her more attractive than ever, she still wasn't getting the hint.

David attacked the middle of his face with one last effort. He didn't want to disturb the ambience with verbal instructions, but he was out of options. Then, fate saved him in the form of a snowflake, which landed on the tip of Molly's nose. She smiled at the snowflake's tickle, and rubbed at her nose with the back of her glove, removing both the snowflake and the dried snot that had been the object of David's irritation. He relaxed.

Latest event: ORDER & CHAOS

NEXT EVENT: Tuesday August 10th - WOMEN & GIRLS: Our 5th annual celebration of stories about and by women & girls. N.B. For the avoidance of doubt, we are ONLY seeking submissions from female authors writing female protagonists for this theme. (Our usual male:female submission ratio is about 2:1 so this is our way of helping to redress the imbalance, in case you're curious ...)

 

To reserve tickets for the Women & Girls event, please see below for instructions on how to book and pay. Tickets are £5 per person, Maximum number of people at any one table is 6, but you can request adjacent tables when booking.

 

LATEST EVENT: ORDER & CHAOS (see below)

In the beginning, the earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep. And the spirit of live fiction moved over the face of the waters ... And then the Liars got all their votes in, and a new order was come! It was rich with naked hikers and chaos Empresses and cats on Mars, mighty with evil angels and model buses, and it was GOOD.

 

WINNING STORIES for ORDER & CHAOS

Chaos Reigns by E P Henderson, read by Gloria Sanders

Frozen by Todd Wells new author, read by Sophie Cartman

The Last Cat on Mars by Quintin Forrest, read by Al Woodhall

The Capture of Whitehall by David McGrath, read by the author

Certain Promises, Certain Threats by Rhys Timson, read by Oliver Yellop