Liars' League

Humbug by Ian Aikman

Read by Magnus Rook

My name is Tiny Tim and I hate Christmas. Now I know what you’re thinking: not so tiny any more! But, if you ask me, that nickname was always unfair. It started when I was eight years old — who isn’t tiny at that age?

It was my Uncle Scrooge who first called me that. He’s not my uncle, he’s my dad’s boss. And after eight years of not paying us enough to afford food, he rocked up on Christmas Day 1843 with the biggest turkey I’ve ever seen. That was a weird Christmas. Surely your dad’s boss is the last person you want to see curled up by the fire singing ‘Little Drummer Boy’.

Uncle Lewis by David Mathews

Read by Gloria Sanders

Dylan Thomas said, ‘There were always Uncles at Christmas. The same Uncles.’

‘Davy won’t want it green again, Cerys,’ says my Mam. ‘Yellow? You liked it when it was yellow, yes?'

‘And Uncle Lewis’s favourite,’ I say, all jolly. But Mam looks away quick, and I wish I’d shut up.

My Uncle Davy cooks. I don’t mean at home, where he does it all, Uncle Cledwyn being handless in the kitchen. I mean on Boxing Day at our place, where he mixes and bakes, marinades and roasts every mouthful we and my uncles eat. It is awesome. Mam and I scrub the kitchen spotless for him, and every few years we paint it.

Snowy by Jonathan Weil

Read by David Mildon

‘Snowy.’

The voice was right in his ear, snapping him out of the grey half-dreaming zone that he’d drifted into while walking. Her voice. It could have been a comment on the conditions – the snow, the moonlight, the country road flat white – but he knew better. She hadn’t called him Snowy in ages. The sound of it brought back a memory, years ago, curled up in her single bed in the Catford flat, she stroking his hair, Snowy … Snowy … Snoooowwwyyyy … softly, over and over. And then that little laugh she used to do: soft and private, barely exiting her body, sweet with tenderness and regret …

The Wreath Thief by Amy Eddings

Read by Tony Bell

It is December, the death-rattle of the year, and the weather grim and wild, as two bone-chilled travellers stumble into a lonely village tavern in search of rest, ale, and cheer. The Holly Inn is warm and dry, but also ancient and near-empty; a solitary old man mutters to himself beside the great open hearth. One traveller remarks quietly to the other that this would be a splendid place to set a ghost-story ...

Some Apology by Lianne Warr

Read by Paul Clarke

Look. I’ve had some time to think. And what it is … what it is, is that I don’t feel good about what I did, all right? I know it’s probably not enough, not now, not after all these years and everything that happened. Yet I have to say it, or I’ll never rest. I don’t think this is how an apology should be going, to be honest with you. It should be about you, shouldn’t it? Not about me unburdening myself. But isn’t that the point of apologies? To feel less rotten about oneself? Pretty selfish, come to think of it! How am I to know what this will do for you? It might make things worse, for all I know.

The Summoning Bell by Rebecca Miles

Read by Lin Sagovsky

The Cutter’s Inn, County of Bristol, 1844

Winter trees reach with long dark fingers into an unresponsive sky as the figure strikes a match, bringing the hungry flame to the paper’s edge. Clouds mask the moon as they did a year ago, and no reflection in the inky waters mirrors the man’s face, shaggy brows knitted in concentration. The canal carves its quiet way through the night, secrets flowing through each of the 105 locks linking this backwater to the smog and skulduggery of London. Despite the December drizzle, the paper catches, words scorched in a tongue of flame.

 

CHRISTMAS EVENT: Wreaths & Wraiths, Tue 10 Dec at De Hems, Soho

🎄The winning stories for our final show of the year, WREATHS & WRAITHS 👻 on Tuesday 10th December were a seasonal selection box of six by turns spine-chilling and heart-warming, featuring remorseful ghosts, Victorian railways, haunted wreaths, nine Welsh Uncles, backwoods honeymoon horror & a grown-up (& very pissed-off) Tiny Tim ... Tickets were just £5 (here) & included mince pies & a festive book quiz!

WINNING STORIES for WREATHS & WRAITHS

"The Summoning Bell" by Rebecca Miles NEW AUTHOR - read by Lin Sagovsky

"Uncle Lewis" by David Mathews NEW AUTHOR - read by Gloria Sanders

"Humbug" by Ian Aikman NEW AUTHOR - read by Magnus Rook

"Snowy" by Jonathan Weil NEW AUTHOR - read by David Mildon

"The Wreath Thief" by Amy Eddings - read by Tony Bell

"Some Apology" by Lianne Warr - read by Paul Clarke

 

And if those aren't enough, all the stories from our Halloween special Bell Book & Candle are also online: just click to read the stories, watch the videos or listen to the podcast.

 

WREATHS & WRAITHS Christmas Stories

is on TUESDAY 10th DECEMBER

Tickets £5: 6.30pm doors, 7.30pm show

Upstairs at De Hems Dutch Cafe/Bar

11 Macclesfield Street, Soho, London W1D 5DW

 

Liars' League

www.liarsleague.com

Writers write. Actors read. Audience listens. Everybody wins.

Twitter / YouTube / Facebook / Podcast

Nipped by Joshua James Jordan

Read by David Mildon (final story in podcast, at 1h 27m 40s)

Life #1

My mother chased after some alleycat purring like a little slut. She abandoned me in a parking lot. I walked around mewing like the little idiot I was. A Humvee rolled in & over me. That's when I learned what I looked like inside-out.

Ghost

In the Old Lady's living room, I pawed at the little plastic ball filled with my catnip. The nip inside had dried into crisp, shrivelled, brown leaves. Probably not even a split second of a high in there. I swatted at the ball again, and it rolled a few inches. The leather couch was covered in scratches. It's not my fault the Old Lady never got me a scratching post. I had needs.

Two Down by Hannah Noyce

Read by Kim Scopes (4th story in podcast, at 1h 0m 55s)

She smiled to herself as she descended two flights of stairs to the basement bar. He had been mysterious about the location of their date, insisting on giving her only an address. In spite of herself, she had resisted the urge to Google. Now she saw why. They had bonded over their shared love of cryptic crosswords, and he had chosen a place called “Two Down”.

She was careful to hide a pang of disappointment when she saw him – his crooked smile was a little less endearing in person – but he stared intently at her, and she felt a flutter at the thought of his excitement. She looked good tonight.

Little Man by Rhys Timson

Read by Tony Bell (3rd story in podcast, at 32m 40s)

The confession of the great alchemist Hieronymus Trithemius includes the admission of many heinous and horrifying acts: dissection of corpses, conversing with demons, and folding down the page-corners of borrowed books. But the transgression that most interested my master and myself was the creation of artificial life, or homunculi, in the alchemical laboratory, a sin most grievous against the design of the Almighty.

Trithemius’s confession, alas, provides only tantalising hints as to his process for the creation of homunculi, but during the lengthy passages he dedicates to the sin of self-abuse, he reveals the key ingredient man must supply. Though not, sadly, the volume.

Family Recipes by Lisa Farrell

Read by Gloria Sanders (2nd story in podcast, at 17m 30s)

It started out as a game. My sister had found a purplish flower hidden in a tangle of weeds, and we both recognised it from the illustration in one of Mother’s old books. She didn’t say anything, just held the greenery at bay and eyed it greedily as though she wanted to taste it herself. She knew it was wolfsbane, same as I did. A purple death, potentially. Always was her favourite colour, though it suited us both, or so Mother used to say.

While my sister harvested her find, I hunted further, hacking away the strangling vines until I found a treasure of my own. Spotted stems that I disturbed, and then a scattering of tiny seeds, each strong enough to kill a man. I wasn’t keen on sharing, and we fought there among the overgrown greenery, scratching and biting like we were kids again, rolling over berries that stained our shirts red.

Bag of Bones by Angelita Lapuz Bradney

Read by Margaret Ashley (1st story in podcast, at 5m 30s)

The next-door neighbour is punching her husband in the garden. High-pitched grunts dart through the window like punctuation marks. He’s got pads strapped to his hands. Now and then he shows her how she should move her feet, push from the shoulder, swivel her waist. They wear t-shirts in the same faded blue. After a while they swap over. Now she’s holding the pads and he’s hitting her. When he makes contact her arm moves back, as if on a spring. Jab jab jab.

It’s been six months since they moved in. They still have that newlywed smugness about them. Reality hasn’t yet sunk in, with familiarity breeding contempt and resentment spreading like a bed of nettles.

This Big Future by Elizabeth Stott

Read by Clive Greenwood (5th story in podcast, at 1h 17m 50s)

Jenny calls me on the landline, our old number.

‘Pick me up,’ she says, ‘I can’t seem to find my way home.’

She sounds frightened, young, lost. But she was all of these things in the end. The end, her end. She was 28.

‘Where are you?’

I can ask nothing else. I hope that the call doesn’t wake my wife.

‘Everything looks different. The roads have changed. I’m on the school side, coming from Brow Lane. But it doesn’t look right. It’s so dark.’

The roads were changed years ago. We got a by-pass. She couldn’t have known.

HELLO HALLOWEEN! Spooky stories read live at Bell, Book & Candle on Tuesday 8th October

Is that autumn in the air, or the whiff of a snuffed candle?
But we're sure we shut the window ... 

 

Perhaps it's a hint of sulphur from the hellishly good haul of scary stories chosen for our harrowing pre-Halloween event BELL, BOOK & CANDLE on Tuesday 8th October? Yeah. That's probably it. 

 

This spooky season we've selected tales of poison-books & creepy crosswords, bodies in the attic, onanistic alchemists, ghost cats (& dogs, & birds) & wives who just won't stay dead. Curious? Check out the stories & authors below: £5 tickets are now available here - don't let the bell toll before you snap yours up!  

 

WINNING STORIES for BELL, BOOK & CANDLE

 

"Bag of Bones" by Angelita Lapuz Bradney NEW AUTHOR - read by Margaret Ashley

 

"Two Down" by Hannah Noyce NEW AUTHOR - read by Kim Scopes

 

"Nipped" by Joshua James Jordan - read by David Mildon 

 

"This Big Future" by Elizabeth Stott - read by Clive Greenwood

 

"Family Recipes" by Lisa Farrell - read by Gloria Sanders

 

"Little Man" by Rhys Timson - read by Tony Bell

 

... & if you can't wait till the show, the five excellent, brand-new stories from our September WOMEN & GIRLS special are now online: just click to read the stories, watch the videos or listen to the podcast.

 

 

BELL, BOOK & CANDLE 

Scary stories for Halloween 

is on TUESDAY 8th OCTOBER

Tickets £5: 6.30pm doors, 7.30pm show

Downstairs at The Phoenix

37 Cavendish Square, London W1G 0PP 

Twitter / YouTube / Facebook / Podcast

 

Liars' League

www.liarsleague.com

Writers write. Actors read. Audience listens. Everybody wins.

 

 

Please click "continue reading" to see author & actor bios for this month's show

Talons & Teeth by Lizzie Muncey

Read by the author (57 minutes into podcast, here)

I live just over the road from them; directly opposite. If I wanted to, which of course I don’t, I could see right into their lounge from my bedroom window. I’d have to stand on a chair and climb on my chest of drawers to do it, but it would be possible.

The old one is a bit wild nowadays, if I can put it like that. She’s developed a strange, intense look about her. And a mad laugh-come-cackle. With the middle one it’s more of a general crumbling. An overall dishevelment. She used to be an attractive young woman, but now it’s like she resists her beauty. And the youngest one too, having been such a quiet, biddable child, has loosened. Now she walks around barefoot and I can tell, even from this distance, often neglects to put on a bra.

Tiny Furies by E. Ce Miller

Read by Martine Richards (1h 15min into podcast, here)

It all started with the bento box. Sort of.

Bree's mother—the one still bragging about the farmhouse sink she'd installed in the kitchen of her mid-century Craftsman cottage, even though most of us had already stopped by at some point to compliment it—saw some account on Pinterest, and the next thing we knew, the entire first grade came tumbling home one afternoon demanding sunflower butter on sprouted wheat bread cut into hearts and stars. They wanted a rainbow of bell peppers in one compartment and something called tempeh in another. Their eyes beseeched us as they spoke reverently of a spoonful of plant-based yogurt dusted with Ceylon cinnamon for dessert.

Karma by Katie Lewis

Read by Alexandra Kenna (4min 40sec into podcast, here)

Anisha receives her first task at 2 p.m.

>Steal a hat from the souvenir stall at the entrance to the Cardiff Coffee Convention. You have 25 minutes.

Her heart thumps; her palms are sweaty. She can’t do this – she’s never even stolen a pen before! But the first message she got on the burner phone was clear: complete three tasks by the specified deadlines, or she will die and so will Nidra. Every Karma viewer knows of participants whose loved ones paid the price for failure or snitching. Anisha doesn’t understand how she ended up in Karma’s sights but she loves her little sister too much to risk it.

All the Times I Thought I was Pregnant by JM Cyrus

Read by Aren Devlin (35 minutes into podcast, here)

15 September 2017. I was 12. Most of my friends at school, some of my frenemies too, had started their period over the summer. The holidays hadn't just granted new tans and stories of holiday boyfriends. But it hadn’t blessed me.

One thing led to another, insecurities building on each other, and before long I was convinced I hadn’t started yet because I was to be the next virgin mother.

I told my mother about this once. Okay, I told her about it several times. All right, many times. When she got bored with me I checked the internet.

Turned out I wasn't pregnant.

 

A Doll's Head in Hackney by Kathryn Sharpe

Read by Miranda Harrison (19 minutes into podcast, here)

Shana opens the window that overlooks Clapton Way, the one with mould at the seal that never disappears, and decisively throws the doll’s head into the street. Moments before she’d snapped it clean from the body. She looks at her baby in the corner of the kitchen and living area who is still screaming. Still eight months. Still difficult. The smell of weed from the corridor laps at the door and she breathes in, half hoping for a high that won’t come. 

Women & Girls, Tuesday 10th September

Hurrah! Tuesday September 10th saw the 8th edition of our annual talent-spotting tour-de-force of female-led fiction, Women & Girls! We had five stunning stories by five women writers exploring everything from aliens to arson: winning stories and full details are below. 

 

WINNING STORIES for WOMEN & GIRLS (8th edition)

 

"A Doll's Head in Hackney" by Kathryn Sharpe, read by Miranda Harrison

Divorce, adoption and a doll's head to bind them ...

 

"All the Times I Thought I was Pregnant" by JM Cyrus, read by Aren Devlin

Surreal humour when an overthinking teen finds love in the most unusual place

 

"Karma" by Katie Lewis, read by Alexandra Kenna

Black Mirror meets the dark web in this tense tale of the deadly consequences of voyeurism

 

"Talons & Teeth" by Lizzie Muncey, read by the author 

The collapse and rebirth of a suburban family, as told by their nosy neighbour

 

"Tiny Furies" by E. Ce Miller, read by Martine Richards

Absolute scenes in first-grade after Bree brings in a bento box for lunch

 

 

Fancy coming along on Tuesday 10th September? Book your budget-friendly £5 tickets ASAP if you want the best seats - and don't forget that two-for-one burgers on Tuesday nights are BACK at our venue, the Phoenix, Cavendish Square, W1 - PLUS there will be our usual epic literary quiz with brilliant books by women to win, and free sweets for all!

 

Tuesday 10th September, 7.30pm, tickets £5 (doors open at 6.30pm)

The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door, but it's well worth booking a ticket in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Any questions? See below. 

 

Tuesday 10th September, 7.30pm, tickets £5 (doors open at 6.30pm)

The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door, but it's well worth booking a ticket in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Any questions? See below. 

Tuesday 10th September, 7.30pm, tickets £5 (doors open at 6.30pm)

The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door, but it's well worth booking a ticket in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Any questions? See below. 

Tuesday 10th September, 7.30pm, tickets £5 (doors open at 6.30pm)

The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door, but it's well worth booking a ticket in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Any questions? See below. 

The Phoenix basement bar
37 Cavendish Square, London, W1G 0PP

(nearest tube Oxford Circus)

 

N.B. We DO now accept card payments on the door, but it's well worth booking a ticket in advance to ensure you get a table - just click here. Any questions? See below.