Liars' League

The Genie by Tom Heaton

The Genie MP3

He was a very modern genie. Once he’d recovered from the psychic shock of being wrenched from perpetual slumber in the astral realm, he beheld himself naked and dressed in the manner of the century he found himself in. He chose a well-cut cream linen suit (it was summer), brogues, a plum tie, a pink silk handkerchief tucked into his breast pocket. And he declared himself to be the slave of one Tyrell Morris, a customer service adviser at Vodafone UK.

Tyrell – shocked, fearful, lying in the wreckage of his office chair – had just received an email requesting that all employees change their computer passwords because of an increased risk of hacking. The IT department insisted that new passwords should be a long sequence of unrelated letters, numbers and symbols.

As Tyrell mouthed the last letter of his new password, the genie had exploded into being like a bubble popping but backwards, and informed Tyrell that what he’d just said constituted the genie’s ancient and irrevocable name, and therefore the genie was formally summoned. As Tyrell’s slave, the genie would answer a single question. It could be anything that Tyrell wanted, and the genie would answer immediately and truthfully.

Parvati's Visit by Brindley Hallam Dennis

Parvati's Visit MP3

Read by Silas Hawkins

The day had got off to a poor start. Jim had taken three nuisance calls by ten o’clock. To the first caller he had simply said, no thanks, and put down the phone. To the second he had responded to the enquiry, how are you today, sir? with the reply, I’m fine, how are you? And Mark, who had introduced himself at the other end of the line, had said that he was fine too. That’s about it then, Jim had told him. I don’t think we have anything more to say. Then he’d put the phone down. His wife had called down from upstairs. I like that one!

When Jasmine (or was it Jamsin? he didn’t quite catch the name) – when she rang, on behalf of somebody offering solar solutions, he was poised to go off on a rant, along the lines of, did I ask you to call? No I did not! It was the regular reply of a near neighbour, and always seemed to leave her in a better mood, and Jim had been keeping it in reserve for when he was really pissed off. But something, whether or not it was the timbre of Jasmine’s voice is hard to say, something made him pause, and a feeling of goodwill flooded into him. Cold calling is a lousy job. He pictured her in headphones in a little booth, far, far away, doing what she had to do to make a living.

Frank's Last Invigilation by Bernard O'Keeffe

Frank's Last Invigilation MP3

Read by Greg Page

When anyone asked Frank whether he was counting the days to retirement he would answer not with a smile or a yes but with a number. No countdown had ever excited him more and each morning he gleefully crossed another day off the list he kept in his diary. It was with a similar satisfaction that he crossed things off another list that he kept in his diary – Things I Will Never Have To Do Again.

Today Frank was looking forward to crossing one thing in particular off this list. Invigilation. Never again would he walk up and down those aisles hoping his shoes didn’t squeak and that he didn’t let slip an accidental fart. Never again would he furnish exam candidates with extra paper or accompany them to the toilet. Never again would he place exam papers on desks or wait patiently at the end while a candidate fiddled with a treasury tag. Today was the day of Frank’s Last Invigilation.

“The time is 9.15,” boomed the exams officer, “and you may begin.”

In-Between by LMA Bauman-Milner

In-Between MP3

Read by Clareine Cronin

 ‘Nar, miss, I don’t get it!’

‘You’re just thick, Izzy.’

‘Shut yer fat face, ya tosser, I’d rather be thick than ugly.’

Year 9 at a momentary lull in their usual arsey-ness. I’m struggling between the tipped-back chairs, desperate to prove to the deputy head at the side of my classroom that I am a good teacher and that none of this will phase me. My hips and thighs are bruised. Trousers grown baggy over the past month threaten to fall down.

I trip over bags and PE kits, almost over-balance onto Baz’s head. A small prayer to the-nothing-above-or-below and I manage to hip-twist hard and step into my balance again. I’ve glanced at Baz’s ePortal records, and to say that the extensive notes are alarming is an understatement. Disturbing mutters in the staff toilets confirm my fear of this kid. Maybe I should have fallen on him, taken a couple of head shots, compensation package and early retirement. Dammit, opportunity missed. I reach the table, tripping over another boundary wall of PE kits and malicious destruction of school supplies.

A Distance Between Us by Anton Rose

A Distance Between Us MP3

Read by Jim Cogan

Dr. ‘Just call me Walter’ Simmons stares at me, twiddling his long moustache like something out of an Agatha Christie novel. “Michael?” he says.

“Sorry, what was the question?”

He offers me a tepid, synthesised smile. “I was just asking whether either of you had anything you wanted to say before we begin?”

I turn to look at Julia, who is sitting on the other side of the couch, her thigh pushed up against the armrest as if she’s trying to maximise the distance between us. She doesn’t look at me, just keeps her eyes trained on Dr. Simmons, apparently irritated by my lack of concentration.

“I think we’re good to go,” I say, trying to hide the contempt in my voice. Or maybe I’m not trying at all. You see, I hate this place. I hate the certificates on the wall with their polished golden frames. I hate the smell of the leather furniture and the spotless carpet. I hate Dr. Simmons’ smug face. But as I keep telling myself, I’m not doing this for me. This is for Julia.

Colloquium ad Absurdum by Andreas Paraskevaides

Colloquium ad Absurdum MP3

Read by Miranda Harrison

- Welcome. Take a seat.

- Thank you.

- Did you have a pleasant commute?

- Yes. I crawled on my knees and elbows maintaining the requisite equidistance. 

- Please state your full name.

- Woop-Woop Llama Strange; Occasionally Venerable Head of the Windmill Demolition Department; Patron Saint of Lost Causes and Awkward Pauses; Friend to All Woodland Creatures Excepting That Most Vile of Avian Specimens, the Cuckoo; Preservationist of the Emporia of Eccentricities, the Bazaars of the Bizarre, and the Galleries of Grotesqueries. Llama Strange, for short.

Next show: QUESTIONS & ANSWERS, event date Tuesday 13th June £100 Story Competition! HEADS & TAILS, deadline Sunday 11th June

NEXT EVENT: Tue 13th June - QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Our June show features absurdist job interviews, mystical cold-callers, teachers in meltdown, marriages in crisis, an exam paper in life itself and the answer to the world's most important question - or is it? Click the Facebook event to find out more & RSVP.

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS - WINNING STORIES

Colloquium ad Absurdum by Andreas Paraskevaides *NEW AUTHOR*

In Between by LMA Bauman-Milner 

Frank's Last Invigilation by Bernard O'Keeffe 

The Genie by Tom Heaton

Parvati's Visit by Brindley Hallam Dennis

A Distance Between Us by Anton Rose

Doors open at 7pm for a 7.30 start and it's £5 on the door (cash only). This buys you a programme, sweeties, and entry to the fabulous, infamous book quiz. 

We usually finish at about 9.30 and stick around for a drink after. Seating is first come first served - so it's an idea to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good table - but if you have a party of five or more you can reserve a table by calling 07808 939535. The venue is in the basement bar (accessibility note - there are stairs) of:

The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square
London
W1G 0PP

Nearest tube (a 5 minute walk) is Oxford Circus (Victoria, Central & Bakerloo lines). Further details are here.

Missed our last event, CUT & THRUST? Never fear - all the stories, podcast & video are right here.

 

FREE TO ENTER COMPETITION in partnership with TSS Publishing:

HEADS & TAILS

DEADLINE: Sunday June 11th for event at The Phoenix, Cavendish Square, London, on Tuesday July 11th.

HEADS & TAILS is our competition theme ... so what are we looking for? First and foremost, fantastic storytelling. Secondly, stories which are relevant to the theme. What do we mean by this? Well, you could write about heads of state, egghead intellectuals, brains in jars or animal tails; tailspins and tail-chasers; coin tosses, games of chance and literal or metaphorical snakes-and-ladders. Creative interpretations of heads and/or tails are welcome!

Liars’ League & TSS Publishing Short Story Competition: brief details

Liars’ League and TSS Publishing are combining forces for a themed short story competition and literary evening on Tuesday 11^th July 2017.

Entry is free.

1st prize: £100.

2^nd & 3^rd: Read by LL actors & published on www.TheShortStory.co.uk. Free entry for author and a guest, plus free drinks (author only!)

Three winners will be read on a special Liars’ League evening on Tuesday July 11th, followed by a Q&A discussion with one or more of the winning authors.

Videos and a podcast of the winning stories will be published on the Liars’ League website and the stories will be features on TSS Publishing.

Judges: Katy Darby and Liam Hogan of Liars' League, and Rupert Dastur of TSS Publishing (The Short Story.co.uk)