Liars' League

The Patience of a Saint by Jonathan Pinnock

Read by Paul Clarke

I hate this country, you know. When I think of all the places I could be. Sure, Palestine ain’t so nice at the moment, but Barcelona, perhaps? Genoa? Even fucking Moscow would do, frankly. Well, maybe not Moscow. I like a bit of warmth, after all. But you get my drift. England is not where I want to be right now.

So why am I stuck here in this godforsaken rainy, over-priced, underwhelming shit-hole of a country, populated by a bunch of ungrateful, uncultured, whingeing hypocrites? I’ll tell you why. It’s all because of the bloody footie. I’m here because your – my – pathetic excuse for a national team failed to qualify for Euro 2008. And what’s that got to do with me? Especially now that it’s all over and done with. You might well ask.

At prayer in the madhouse with Kit Smart by Gregory Norminton

Read by Steve Wedd

“I‘d as lief pray with Kit Smart as anyone else.”
Dr Samuel Johnson

 

Frank's Lucky Day by Michael Spring

Read by Camila Fiori

Sometimes, just for devilment, God allows someone, someone wholly unworthy, a lucky day.

God’s rules are that it runs for precisely 24 hours, and at local time. It starts with the first second of the day and ends on the first stroke of midnight. You have to find out for yourself that its happening and the longer you stay in bed, the more hours of luck you waste. That’s all part of God’s joke, which he thinks is a good one.

The Devil's Lies by Kachi A. Ozumba

Read by Steve Wedd

You clench your fists so tightly that your fingernails bruise the soft centre of your palms as you shout AMEN!

“Yes, with God all things are possible,” the immaculately dressed man on the podium says. “But watch out: The devil is a liar. He will seek to sow doubts in your mind and rob you of your deliverance. Resist him! Just believe and receive your healing: Cancer, I cast you out! Barrenness, I banish you! Deafness, I decimate you! HIV, I unhinge you...”

The AMEN you scream as HIV is unhinged is so forceful that your throat burns. You gasp afterwards and fill your lungs with air charged with hope and desperation.