Liars' League

Omee Palones and Heartfaces by Dane Buckley

Read by Peter Kenny - Listen to full podcast

I heard an almighty scream and the battle cry, ‘Oh my word!’ That was the first sign we had of our day centre’s impending doom. It was Cockney Doris who was screaming from her soft chair in the lounge, I recognised the sound. I’d been tidying the kitchen, belting out a Donna Summer song for my drag act, when I’d heard all the commotion. I ran to her side, as soon as I’d finished the second chorus.

Doris was, and still is, part Romani on her left-hand side, and has always had the gift for tea-leaf reading. Loose tea is a choking hazard and therefore banned in our day centre, but Cockney Doris still gave good premonition from a cup of Fybogel or any other non-hazardous lukewarm beverage. In the sandy, unstirred lumps of Ovaltine that congregated at the bottom of her beaker, she’d seen a man with a mono-brow and a clipboard closing the day centre down and selling the building.

Growing Up by Sarah Byrne

Read by Nicky Diss - Listen to full podcast

They both understand that the things they say to the cat are meant for each other.

Darling, sweetheart, love you. Things they'd never dream of saying to each other for real.

Thinking back, Kara can't quite remember how they came to have the cat. A cat doesn't exactly fit their image, their arty hipster London lifestyle; especially not an ordinary little shorthair moggy off the streets, tabby with white paws. The litter tray, they have to admit, kind of cramps the style of their trendy high-rise apartment.

But the cat had followed them home one evening last November after a late-night gig, and somehow they'd ended up keeping her. They were amused by the thought, maybe, the incongruity of it. Like, so random.

The Guide to Being a Dictator's Body Double by Cedrick Mendoza-Tolentino

Read by David Mildon - Listen to full podcast

1. Accept your fate. Accept that the series of unlikely events and occurrences that culminated in you did in fact happen and would in fact make a wonderful story, the kind that, over time, was thought of and shared as myth or legend. Accept that your story is the kind of story that people often hear and wonder what parts, however small, are actually true—the way that your parents’ DNA fit together in that particular configuration just so; the year and country of your birth; and of course, the unfortunate fact that you were playing in front of your parents’ home at the exact moment that a caravan of soldiers returning to the capital happened to pass by, and that one of the soldiers, having decided not to partake in the usual victory libations, took one look at you and instantly recognized the uncanny resemblance between you and the son of their country’s inspirational leader and father to all. All of this had to happen. Please, accept your fate—the sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to find peace, even if that peace comes while you pretend to be, and everyone believes you to be, someone else.
   

Actor by Pascal O'Hara

Read by Beverley Longhurst - Listen to full podcast

Acting is a hard gig [sighs, looks upwards]. I’m fast approaching 40, living in a flatshare [wipes forehead, raises eyebrows] and I can barely afford the rent. I’ve had some pretty good parts recently [nods head, pouts lips] and I thought I was getting somewhere [wry smile, raise one eyebrow, continues to nod head]…

Reads like a Beckett play, doesn’t it? But without any of the good writing. I don’t know if you know Beckett, but he didn’t leave much to the imagination of his actors… I’m sorry, I should just read this story out properly, this isn’t very professional of me. But then, how am I supposed to take this seriously?

Keeping a Promise by Gordon Williams

Read by Paul Clarke - Listen to full podcast

Thank God that’s over. I had to do it for Bonzo – I couldn’t let him down. A promise is a promise.

I might have been over the limit when I got up, so I went on the train instead of driving there. Everyone wants to see you when you’re home on leave; you can pretend that having a few drinks with them is a good idea. Then it’s drinking every night whether anyone wants to see you or not. It’s the only way you can sleep. You think you’ve got away from all that crazy stuff but it comes home with you.

I’d phoned Bonzo’s missus to tell her I’d be there about eleven. She was called Michelle. I got the bus into Manchester and the train from Piccadilly, through the old mill towns and over the Pennines. I tried to read the Mirror and thought about what I would say.

What You Could Have Won by Dan Coxon

Read by Patsy Prince - Listen to full podcast

The guidance system they used in the Apollo 11 moon landing only had 64 kilobytes of memory. I bet you didn’t know that, did you? That’s less than a modern electric toaster. We put men on the moon with a device that couldn’t even play Donkey Kong.

Here’s another one: which kiwi was named first, the fruit or the bird? No? Nothing? It was the bird – the fruit only got its name in the 1970s, when the New Zealand marketing board noticed its similarity to their avian resident. Before then, it was called the Chinese gooseberry.

I had that one on Quiz of the Decade. Won myself two grand and a holiday in Portugal. Not bad for a girl who dropped out of school at sixteen.

Liars' League Top Tens #1: Top Ten Stories

Ten glorious years, 111 events, and well over 500 stories, but we tasked the League to pick their ten as the best of the best! Is your favourite in here? (Comment below if not!)
Liars' League Top Ten Stories: the list.

Then, to prevent the inevitable night of long knives as the Liars attempted to agree on the ultimate winner, we set the public loose on them. Voting closed on Monday 10th April 2017 at midnight, and the champion was announced live at our TRUTH & LIES event on Tuesday April 11th.

LIARS' LEAGUE TOP TEN STORIES

Winner: TRIES TO COOK AND EAT GORDON RAMSAY by Quintin Forrest, read by Paul Clarke

Runner up: THE ELEPHANT IN THE TOWER by David McGrath, read by Ed Cooper Clarke

Shortlist (in alphabetical order by title)

BIRTH PLAN by Uschi Gatward, read by Beverley Longhurst

THE DEAD WIVES' CLUB by Ilora Choudhury, read by Gloria Sanders

THE DEVIL’S LIES by Kachi Ozumba, read by Steve Wedd

HECHO A MANO by Brindley Hallam Dennis, read by Susannah Holland

IRONWORK by Malachi King, read by Ben Crystal

ON THE CATCHING & COOKING OF MAGICAL FOLK by Juleigh Howard-Hobson, read by Rob Witcomb

THIS ISN’T HEAT by Richard Smyth, read by Silas Hawkins

UP SO HIGH (FEEL SO LOW) by Jennifer Rickard, read by Kim Scopes

 

Next event: OUR 10th BIRTHDAY! Truth & Lies, Tuesday 11th April

The votes are in! The lie is cast! The truth will out! Yes, we've found half-a-dozen shameless, barefaced fictions to celebrate our TENTH BIRTHDAY on Tuesday April 11th (click for Facebook event) - and you're invited! There are body doubles & hipster couples, gay deceptions, quiz prodigies, shattered soldiers & an actor who just won't stick to the script ...

WINNING STORIES for TRUTH & LIES
Growing Up by Sarah Byrne *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Nicky Newman
Omee Palones and Heartfaces by Dane Buckley *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Peter Kenny
The Guide to Being a Dictator's Body Double by Cedrick Mendoza-Tolentino *NEW AUTHOR*, read by David Mildon
Keeping a Promise by Gordon Williams, read by Paul Clarke
What You Could Have Won by Dan Coxon, read by Patsy Prince
Actor by Pascal O'Hara, read by Beverley Longhurst

Join us in April to hear all these PLUS the very best of your #10WordLies (tweet them to @liarsleague for a chance to win free entry to the event and a free book) AND our justly notorious literary quiz with 10 free brand new books to win AND a load of Easter eggs!

Want more? Then keep checking the website and Facebook for our Top Ten LL Top Tens over the last decade, from most watched videos to best story titles ...

As ever, doors open at 7pm for a 7.30 start, it's £5 (cash only) on the door, and the show finishes around 9.30, after which we DRINK like it's our birthday, because in fact it is. Seating is first come first served - so it's an idea to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good table - but if you have a party of five or more you can reserve a table by calling 07808 939535. 

The venue is in the basement bar (accessibility note - there are stairs) of:
The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square
London
W1G 0PP

Nearest tube (a 5 minute walk) is Oxford Circus (Victoria, Central & Bakerloo lines).