Liars' League

Lockdown Literature: Young & Old, Tuesday 14th April, online!

Are you sitting comfortably? Then let our host Liam Hogan begin ...

PLEASE NOTE: IN ORDER TO REWATCH THE APRIL 14th WATCH PARTY, YOU MUST BE A MEMBER OF OUR FACEBOOK GROUP, "LIARS' LEAGUE" https://www.facebook.com/groups/2959030028/

Feel free to join just for this if you like, and leave after ... sorry, that's just how these things work on Facebook, apparently. Also, if you're not on Facebook you can watch all the story videos here, listen to the podcast here, and read all the stories below (obviously). 

NB: This watch party is naturally free to view - but if you'd like to support the authors and (especially) actors involved, see below ...

TIPS & DONATIONS

Usually we'd use ticket sale cash to buy our contributors food, booze and/or books. As we can't do that this time, if you want to donate some £/$ towards the actors and authors who have dedicated time, talent and effort to entertain you, please do so via Paypal to [email protected].

All donations will be split equally between all participants: if you'd like your money to go to a particular author, actor or story, just add a note to your donation saying so: named "tips" will be passed on to those contributors. LL won't be taking anything :)

Thanks and happy watching!

Exiled by Brian O'Hare

Exiled MP3

Read by Will Teller

Here’s a little secret: The Marine Corps needs enemies. It lives for them. Whether it’s banzai charging Japanese, Chinese hordes or boogeyman Viet Cong—it doesn’t matter. And when it can’t find an enemy? The Marine Corps eats its young. And for Lieutenant Colonel “Mad Mike” Madigan, Battalion Commander Lieutenant Francis Keane is perfect.

            It all starts back in August of ’91, just before the first Persian Gulf War, on deployment to Okinawa, when one of Keane’s Lance Criminals punches out an NCO over a bargirl. “Alcohol related”, as the logbook duly notes. Keane saves his ass from the brig. Mad Mike goes high and to the right. Because when the old man says ‘circle the wagons’—you circle the goddamn wagons.

            As payback, Keane suffers every shit job and indignity, until finally exiled to the BOQ, the Bachelor Officer’s Quarters and put in “hack”, a kind of house arrest, for violating the 7^th General Order of the Sentry—“to talk to no one except in the line of duty”—while serving as Officer of the Day. And so, into exile Keane goes, like some Biblical mystic, alone and barefoot.

Advice to my Child by Jo Gatford

Advice to my Child MP3

Read by Sarah Feathers

Carbohydrates are all well and good when you’re tired and hangry but they are not a substitute for a hug or a conversation.

Speaking of: call your mother more often. Or at least text. I have WhatsApp now, you know. I follow you on Instagram. You’re cute but vary the expression a little, why don’t you?

Meringues should always be left in the oven to cool, preferably overnight – like most things – if you really want that chewy centre and clarity of crunch.

Keep good accounts. Air your bathroom. Stay hydrated. Get a dehumidifier. Don’t waste time on books you can’t finish. Insure yourself. Overpay your mortgage whenever you can. If you ever get one.

Befriending by Irina Zahl

Befriending MP3

Read by Greg Page

I watch them walking up the hill. They are only starting on their journey. They sound happy. They are singing and swinging their arms cheerfully in time. I can't see from where I am, but I’m sure their skin is golden in the summer sun and their muscles bulge ever so slightly with every step they take. 

By a habit I didn’t know I had, I raise my hand to give them a wave. I catch myself half-way and put it down. They can't see me from where I am – from where they are – and they don't know me anyway. It's me watching life from my kitchen window; it's them living it. 

The worst thing about age is not the aches, not the persistent chills, not the sagging skin and not even the liver spots. The worst part is living in the past tense. I used to. Used to be, used to do. In the present, I'm nothing. An old man in his small retirement flat still able to take care of himself, but this is as exciting as it gets. It is only the past that gives me the meaning, that justifies my existence. In my present state, I am of no interest to the world … or to those lads walking up the hills.

She's Ended Up Middle-Aged by Alix Owen

She’s Ended Up Middle-Aged MP3

Read by Charlotte Worthing

Netflix is like fireflies in my boyfriend's glazed eyes. He's had a hard day at work. I've had a boring, overpaid one. We've been sat in silence for maybe an hour while a binge-watch mends our relationship. I'm nursing a smudged, warm glass of wine, flashing a flirty glance at him now and then, wiggling my feet on his lap, peeking up from my phone.

Am I paying attention? Am I being mindful? I'm not sure. Scrolling through Facebook, I'm half-heartedly wondering whether to go plant-based.

Hmmm. Let's think about this. I don't know if it suits me.

See, I’m that kind of mid-range millennial, around 30 (but in denial); sure, with a sustainable conscience but a reluctance to get rid of single-use plastics and a fear that zero-wasters are coming for our fun. That does not a vegan make.

The Blue Man of the Minch by Matt Barnard

The Blue Man of the Minch MP3

Read by Silas Hawkins

Just after eleven, Colin raced down the hill to tell Johnny Dey that one of Marjorie’s cows was calving. No more than eight years old, with hair cropped so close you could see the bones of his skull, his face shone with a look of wonder and self-importance. When he told Johnny the news, Johnny simply gazed at him with an expression of unselfconscious weariness. He was sitting on the front step, elbows resting on his knees, his stomach like a medicine ball between his thighs. The sun fell onto his face from the right making him squint a little.

     Colin stared at Johnny and felt like he did when he saw something strange emerge from the sea. He’d run down the hill with the message held like a special package, not sure exactly what it meant, only that it was important. It was unclear to him why he was telling Johnny Dey, and now, standing awkwardly in the mid-morning sun, he realised he didn’t know what he was expected to take back in return.

     ‘Aye, that’ll be Frieda,’ Johnny replied eventually, putting a large hand to his face to shield his eyes. ‘Tell Marjorie to keep an eye out and let me know what’s happening. Can you remember that, Colin?’

 

In the Round by Sarah Richardson

In the round MP3

Read by Carrie Cohen

The boot gleams in the firelight, its worn leather restored to black. Not dull black, like seaweed baked too long in the sun; no, today the boot’s blackness is rich and deep. Margaret lifts it closer to her face; inspects one side, then the other. That’ll do.

She sets it gently on the newspaper sheets in front of her — rows of type talking of politics and people she cares nothing for — and tightens the lid on the polish. Kiwi: the distinctive tang couples with the scent of men whose boots have lined the hallways of her life. Grandfer, Dad, her own Sid. This boot, one of Sid’s finest, is now the only one that calls on her labour, and she’s not done badly with it at all.

Resting her hand on the fireplace, Margaret eases herself up from her wooden dining chair and shuffles the few steps to the window. Away from the coals’ warmth, her breath causes the glass to mist: outside, spring is still tussling with the end of winter, and evening darkness has brought a crisp chill. At the end of the street, the gaudy lights that mark out the Ship and Swan sway wildly. The shrub they cling to strains in the wind.

Margaret checks her watch. Eight thirty: she should be heading over soon. She thinks momentarily of her grandchildren, 300 miles away in London; Andrew and Joanne will be trying to get them off to bed. Or at least, Andrew will. Her daughter-in-law, she has long suspected, is more after her own heart: holidays, Easter included, are a time for rules to be broken, clocks to be stopped.

A Fortnite is a Long Time in Politics by Callum Jacobs

Fortnite MP3

Read by William Foxton

When his remarkable talents had first been spotted, Sami el Zafar was just thirteen. Or possibly fourteen. Sami had arrived in England from Syria with no passport, no family and no English. He was given a place at the local secondary school and by all accounts he’d had a tough time fitting in. No surprise in that, all alone in the world and having witnessed who knew what horrors back in his war-torn homeland. He didn’t speak much about it. He didn’t speak much about anything.

It wasn’t until one day at After School Club, the repository for kids whose parents didn’t trust them to go home on their own, that Sami’s skills were discovered.

After School Club was set up with tables for students to complete homework or to read quietly but also, under certain conditions, to use the school’s PS4. Sami never got to use it, being too shy and non-verbal to ask, and too weird to be invited by anyone else. So Sami would stand and watch the other kids playing, hovering behind them and humming. It used to irritate the piss out of them.

Lockdown Literature: YOUNG & OLD, Tuesday 14th April - online!

Not much makes social distancing and/or self-isolation better, but fictional escapism sure helps - and this month, we have that in spades. So we're going ahead with our Young & Old show on April 14th, but online - because even the First Horseman (pestilence, but you knew that) can't keep a good short story down!

WINNING STORIES for YOUNG & OLD
(featuring ALL NEW authors)

Advice to my Child by Jo Gatford, read by Sarah Feathers
A Fortnite is a Long Time in Politics by Callum Jacobs, read by William Foxton
Befriending by Irina Zahl, read by Greg Page
Exiled by Brian O'Hare, read by William Teller
She's Ended Up Middle-Aged by Alix Owen, read by Charlotte Worthing
The Blue Man of the Minch by Matt Barnard, read by Silas Hawkins
In the Round by Sarah Richardson, read by Carrie Cohen

We have genius gamers, sassy mamas, Iraq War soldiers, elderly lovers, what-now? weddings, folk singers and cows giving birth: truly something for everyone, read by our superb company of actors.

It's obviously an unusual situation this month, so our mighty actors will be recording video and audio (at home) of our seven winning stories, so they can be released as podcast, YouTube playlist and text on the planned event date. Then we'll create a watch party at 7.30pm on April 14th on Facebook, so you can watch them "live" from home with popcorn and a drink.

(We're going to try and recreate the fun of the infamous book quiz too, maybe by publishing the questions after the third story and posting a book to whoever answers fastest - but watch this space! :)