Liars' League

100 events, 100 themes! Clickable map of Liars' League themes

Baldhead by Sean Preston

Read by Adam Diggle

My hair feels thin. When I scratch my head, I tend to lift the existing hair, sparse as it is, and delicately score the itchy scalp with my fingernail. I hope in some way this will arrest the speed of hair loss.

I’m going bald. I’m going bald. My friends call me Aslan, which doesn’t really make sense. In pointing this out, I look bitter. Bitter and bald. What would I look like if I just shaved it all off? My name is Fred. Would my friends call me Right Said Fred? Deeply dippy about male pattern baldness.

 

Candle by Liam Hogan

Read by Sarah Feathers

I put on my party hat and prepare for guests. I’ve been reading up on it, having little else to do, and while a lot of the evidence is circumspect, I’ve learnt that a party is customary, especially on your first birthday. Even if, at that age, a human child wouldn’t be able to thank anyone for coming.

 

One Thousand Rupees, by Abigail Lee

Read by Nicholas Delvalle

The monsoon is weeks late, and the whole city feels it. Hawkers swelter in the shade of the walkways outside Mumbai Central station, skinny fingers dripping lurid jewellery. Scabby, lean dogs lie heaving in the orange dust. And Martin Price lies on a sagging mattress older than himself in the Salvation Army Hostel on Chhapatri Street, watching the ceiling-fan stir boiling-soup air.

 

Asking Friends by Guy Russell

Read by Gloria Sanders

Edd had known Megan for a while, slightly, and secretly really liked her. And then he went to a dinner party where she was there, and liked her more. And then invited her to tea, like you do with friends, and after that he was totally lost.

 

Ripples by Jason Jackson

Read by Greg Page

When I was a young man, and still happy, I used to throw clocks down wells. I’d set the hands to twelve, for no reason other than symmetry, and I’d listen intently for the splash. A clock falls quickly, but those moments between the letting-go and the landing - the tension of the silent fall, the inevitable release of the moment that the falling stopped – well, they were among the happiest of my life.

 

Hundred-word stories: Impact, Life. Sentence. Uncle Phil, 100 Years & Fifteen

As they are so brief, we're publishing all the hundred-word stories (drabbles) from our 100th event Hundreds & Thousands in a single post. You're welcome :)

IMPACT by Katy Darby, read by Judith Quin

It's on YouTube. Starts out just sky; pale clouds, birds wheeling, somewhere high. No voices, just wind, sunshine. A pan shows grass, brown cliffs, a river wriggling through the ravine below. The camera looms over the edge, looks down, starts zooming. Cliffsides fall away, slow, then faster. Steady, smooth, an endless zoom, and just as you're thinking, shit, how long is this lens? you realise they must've dropped the camera.

Except it would be spinning uncontrollably, and it's steady all the way down. That's why you don't realise he’s still holding it – until it's just too late to look away.

LIFE.SENTENCE. by Gordon Williams, read by Carrie Cohen

Emerge. Cry. Breathe. Cry. Suck. Grow. See. Hear.

Eat. Drink. Crawl. Grow. Stand. Fall. Walk. Stumble. Walk.

Blabber. Talk. Grow. Learn. Grow. Meet. Run. Play. Fight. Play.

Compete. Fail. Compete. Fail. Compete. Win.

Want. Ask. Lose. Cry.

Learn. Learn. Learn. Tell. Succeed.

Meet. Talk. Hold. Kiss. Undress. Fuck. Repeat.

Work. Earn. Spend. Repeat.

Try. Fail. Try. Fail. Try. Nearly. Try. Succeed. Try. Fail. Try. Succeed. Diversify. Repeat.

Love. Conflict. Loss. Tears. Repeat. 

Love. Kids. Love. Give. Watch. Learn. Help. Teach. Sacrifice. Gone. Tears.

Work. Earn. Save. Retire. Relax. Reminisce.

Lose. Grieve. Remember. Forget.

Decline. Dementia. Dependency. Delirium. Demise. Decay. Dust.

UNCLE PHIL by Tom McColl, read by Nicholas Delvalle

I was throwing darts at the dartboard pinned to a wardrobe at my Uncle Phil's.

Uncle Phil came in. He wasn't really my uncle, but then he wasn't really a dartboard either, and when he said I’m just getting something from the wardrobe, and had his back to me as he opened the wardrobe door, I threw the dart.

How he yowled as I hit the bullseye right between the shoulder blades.

I was five, and I've never felt so alive before or since as when I heard that dull thud and saw my mum's friend – my fake uncle – wince.

ONE HUNDRED YEARS & FIFTEEN by Joanne L. M. Williams

ONE HUNDRED YEARS (read by Lois Tucker)

One hundred years is a long time. A long time to slumber in enchanted dreams. A long time to wait for true love. It was my birthday on the day it happened. The day that poison entered the blood through pierced flesh and brought the promised curse. My birthday too, the same as hers, though I am no princess. When kings and queens offend the magic powers that be, the consequences befall us who labour for them. The castle slept. When the prince came at last to lay claim to Beauty, I awoke a century on, my lover long gone.

FIFTEEN (read by Miranda Harrison)

'It was a wizard idea to think of having a birthday picnic for just us two on such a glorious day!' declared Pamela, flinging herself down on the lawn beside Janet. 'Fifteen! Do you feel awfully grown-up?'

'No! Well... in some ways. Come here you silly thing,' Janet laughed, reaching over to smooth down Pam's forever-untidy curls. Pam impulsively covered her friend's hand with her own small, nail-bitten one. They exchanged glances, suddenly shy, and everything was still for a moment. Then Janet snatched her hand away in half-confusion and began to busily lay out the sandwiches and ginger cake.

(c) the respective authors, 2016.

Our ONE HUNDREDTH event (& 9th birthday): Hundreds & Thousands, Tuesday 12th April

WINNING HUNDREDS & THOUSANDS STORIES ANNOUNCED!

Click for podcast             Click for videos

 

HUNDREDS 

(click for full stories)

Life. Sentence. by Gordon Williams

Uncle Phil by Tom McColl

Impact by Katy Darby

One Hundred Years by Joanne L. M. Williams

Fifteen by Joanne L. M. Williams

 

THOUSANDS 

(click for full stories)

Ripples by Jason Jackson

Candle by Liam Hogan

Asking Friends by Guy Russell

One Thousand Rupees by Abigail Lee

Baldhead by Sean Preston

 

NEWSFLASH: You now can (& should) nominate Liars' League in the Best Spoken Word Regular Event category at the Saboteur Awards. You must vote in at least three categories for it to count, so we humbly suggest Open Pen as Best Magazine & Being Dad as Best Anthology. You could throw in Arachne Press as Most Innovative Publisher too ...

It's taken us nine years, over 500 stories and a hell of a lot of wine to get us to this point, but Liars' League's 100th event is coming up and we wanted to do something special for audiences old and new - so we've slashed the ticket price.

To tie in with our theme of Hundreds & Thousands, on Tuesday April 12th you can turn up to The Phoenix at 7pm, present a shiny £1 coin at the door, and gain admittance for just one hundred pence. Those with more cash to splash can pay 1000p (aka £10) and get one of our award-winning anthologies thrown in too (limited numbers available). So if you've always meant to come along, or even if you'd never heard of us before, why not take a punt on us for less than the price of a lottery ticket?

Entry includes a copy of the programme and the chance to win brand new books in our infamous interval literary quiz, plus free sweets and birthday cake. In honour of our ninth birthday we will be reading a bumper crop of short stories of 100 or 1000 words each at the event. There will also be balloons. Basically, there's never been a better time to come along. 

Where & when?

Liars' League events begin at 7.30pm (doors open at 7pm) on the second Tuesday of every month. Tickets cost (in April only!) £1 / £10 on the door (cash only, no advance booking) and seating is unreserved - so it's a good idea to get there a bit ahead of time if you want a good table. You can reserve a table for parties of 5 or more by calling 07808 939 535.

IMPORTANT: We don't want to run out of cake, so if you're interested in coming along please CLICK HERE FOR THE FACEBOOK EVENT and mark yourself as "going" or "interested", so that we have some idea of numbers ...

The venue is downstairs at:
The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square
London
W1G 0PP

(The Phoenix is 5 minutes' walk from Oxford Circus tube station, which is on the Victoria, Bakerloo and Central lines). Map here