Liars' League

Rock Bottom by David McGrath

Read by Paul Clarke

Edwin feels he is a no-hoper, a lost cause, a rock bottom dweller — hateful, spiteful and cynical — a misanthropic, talentless wretch with no redeemable qualities, forged from the dreadful ends of the world’s cruelty and pain, destitute and barren, unsung, unwept and unloved.

His writing career has not gone as planned. By the age of 36 he should have won the Booker and then publicly rejected the prize on grounds of its commercialism. He is nowhere close. He writes his epitaph:

Here lies Edwin Nicholas Shoemaker, fat failure.

  

Rudolph the Red-Faced Reindeer by Peter Saul

 Read by Sarah Feathers

It was the night before Christmas and Rudolph was pissed. It always happens at the office Christmas Eve party. How else do you think he got the nickname Red Nose?

 

Sweet Krampusnacht by Samantha Braham

Read by Silas Hawkins

Krampus sighed as he bit the head off the mini chocolate replica of himself. How has it come to this? he thought. I used to be feared and dreaded. People were terrified of me. Mothers told their children terrible stories about how I would haul them kicking and screaming off to the underworld if they weren’t good.

 

White Wash by Xanthi Barker

Read by Gloria Sanders

At the table, I stare into space and the man I am supposed to marry stares at the menu, umm-ing and ahh-ing and reading out options with a smug, happy inflection that implies he is a person worthy of the selection, and a voice that twists my stomach like the knot in the top of a bin bag.

 

Christmas Ink by Liam Hogan

Read by John de Holland

Danny always hated this time of year. Robins he could just about put up with, despite how silly they’d look come spring, but candy canes? Christmas trees? Santa's smug face complete with a triplet of brightly coloured 'Ho's? He sighed as he laid the tattoo gun down; just the holly berries to ink and he was done, thank God; the smell of gin permeating her skin was getting to him. 

 

Bird in Hand by Stephanie Brann

Read by Katy Darby

When she emerges from the tube station it's dark, and snow is falling fast. Fat white flakes stick to her thin coat. Which way to turn, up this black slushy road, or down? Apart from the odd car, there’s not a soul to be seen. She’s never been north of the Euston Road before, and here she is in the icy wastes of St John’s Wood. No sounds of celebration; you’d never guess it was New Year’s Eve. She knows 1969 will be a happy year, a thrilling year. Even, possibly, the year she falls in love.

 

Letter to Krampus by Alan Graham

For our Mistletoe & Wine event in December 2014 we featured two bonus flash fictions about the German anti-Santa, Krampus, published and selected by Vicky Pointing and Tiny Owl Workshop. Here's the first ...

From the desk of the precocious Mo Oberwinkel, aged nine and four fifths.

Dear Herr Krampus,

Last December, my parents told me to write a letter to Saint Nicholas requesting my gift preferences. This year, however, I have been informed that my naughty behaviour means I will not be receiving any treats and should instead expect a visit from the Krampus.

 

Mistletoe & Wine, Tuesday 9th December

It's time to welcome the festive season with a heaving stocking stuffed full of Christmas fiction! Our last event of the year features a grinchy tattooist, a doubting fiancee, a sex-pest Rudolph, a girl who just wants to party, and of course Cliff Richard - sorry, that should read Jesus.

MISTLETOE & WINE STORIES for TUESDAY 9TH DECEMBER
White Wash by Xanthi Barker *NEW AUTHOR*, read by Gloria Sanders
Christmas Ink by Liam Hogan, read by John de Holland *NEW ACTOR*
Bird in Hand by Stephanie Brann, read by Katy Darby
Rock Bottom by David McGrath, read by Paul Clarke
Rudolph the Red-Faced Reindeer by Peter Saul, read by Sarah Feathers

EXTRA! EXTRA! THIS JUST IN: The Krampus Crackers have arrived (courtesy of our connection Vicky Pointing and Brisbane-based publisher Tiny Owl Workshop. Thus we can now announce that we will be adding TWO festive flash fictions to the line-up, themed on Germany's anti-Santa, Krampus. To find out more about Vicky's fantastic Krampus Project click here. The stories are:

Letter to Krampus by Alan Graham, read by Carrie Cohen
Sweet Krampusnacht by Samantha Braham, read by Silas Hawkins

Crackers containing said stories will also be distributed on the tables for pulling purposes. Fnarr. 

Door tax is £5 as ever, doors open at 7 and kickoff is at 7.30. Don't forget, if you're an author who's had their story read, or an actor who's read for us, at any time in 2014, your wine (and mistletoe) is on us - at least until the tab runs out. What an excellent reason to show up early ...

The venue is downstairs at:
The Phoenix
37 Cavendish Square 
London 
W1G 0PP

(The Phoenix is 5 minutes' walk from Oxford Circus tube station, which is on the Victoria, Bakerloo and Central lines)

Map here